How to handle downright mean?

Has he had a workup for mental health issues, including dementia?

Dusti, your hubby sounds very frustrated, and some people just don't handle being sick very well. He sure doesn't. He probably chews everyone out when you aren't there visiting. And he is upset with himself that he is now in this condition, something he cannot fix. This wasn't the retirement he had planned.

I know it is hard not to be emotional about this, especially since you were doing all that you could. Have a good cry, and try to realize it isn't anything you did. He just needed to vent and you were there.

As for the caregiver, if you can, tell him the caregiver is for you [Dusti], to help you around the house, and the caregiver will be there if he needs anything.

Oh, you might ask hubby's doctor to have hubby checked for an Urinary Tract Infection.  Such an infection can make a person act down right mean. 

Hi Barb...not yet but I am getting ready to request that they check his meds (for panic and aniexty) and do one. Something is not right.

Hi Freqflyer...I know it had on him. I have turned the other cheek as the saying goes since Feb. The man I saw today I did not recognize. We have been through some very rough medical issues (for both him and me) and he has never acted this way. He is nice as pie to everyone but me. I will have them check for a UTI as well. I have made excuses and ignored it since Feb, but this I could not deal with. Normally I tell him to stop it, I don't deserve it and will not tolerate it. But today he actually scared me with the look in his eyes. I have not been afraid or scared of this man in 30 years. He is not getting a visit from me at the hospital tomorrow. Right now I do not even want to talk to him. But I will be calling his doctor tomorrow about the change in him.

Dusty any kind of trauma to the brain which is what a stroke causes can change a person's personality not always for the best.
This is going to be a very difficult time for you as the person you have known and loved is no longer the same. You have suffered a great loss in many cases worse than a death.
You are clearly not strong enough to care for him by yourself at home and would need 24 hour care which I assume you could not afford.
At this point I would talk to the discharge planner and social worker to see what options are available for him.
He is obviously very angry and thinks you should be able to make everything better.
Is the stroke fairly recent. His physical condition may improve with rehab and if he refuses to go you do not have to take him home and suffer.
Right now think of your own situation as far as supporting yourself alone and your living arrangements. How realistic is it for you to go back to work even if he was not in your life. If you are not old enough to retire find out what help may be available for you. Don't be afraid to apply for everything out there and get on any list there may be waiting for subsidized housing etc.
Trying to punish him by not visiting is unlikely to work but continueing the visit is something you can control. Leave at the first sign of nastiness. If you don't feel up to it you don't have to go tomorrow. Use the day to collect your self and face what is becoming a devastating reality and most important of all take care of yourself. Do you have family or friends who would be supportive of you. Cry all you want it does help get the bitterness out of your system. There is always someone around here to talk to when you need so come back often.

You should have him evaluated and if his meanness continues tell the hospital that you are scared and this person is a stranger and has needs that you can not safely meet at home.

It only takes one incident for a tragedy, do not allow this person in your house, this is months now and escalating, you should be worried and take care of you with precautions for your safety.

Hospitals will try to bully you into taking the patient home, tell them no, no, no. He will not be safe and neither will you, stand your ground and make them find a safe release place and a plan to find out what is going on and if there is any help or is this his new reality.

I am so sorry for your loss, I pray that God gives you strength and courage to walk this journey.

Added:  he will be mad, don't let his anger sway you. This will be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do, but you can do it.

HUGS TO YOU!

Hi Veronica...thank you for your post. His stroke was 13 years ago and yes I did grieve for what we had lost when he had his strokes as it did change him. But I still loved him. I started his rehab at home as soon as he was able and he progressed amazingly well ( I had done the rehab with my Dad when he had his stroke though he was in a nursing home) enough that the doctor did not feel that he needed to go for professional rehab. Even then he was still loving and showed me nothing but love and respect as I showed him. That is all the way up until this past Feb when he suddenly began changing. I thought he might be headed for another stroke and watched for the symptoms. But none showed. His disposition and his treatment of me just began to change. It went from loving and caring to mean, derogatory and downright sarcastic and has gotten worse. I am grieving as the man I love is not the man that he has become since Feb. Today was the first time in 30 years that I was actually afraid. (And there isn't much that I fear). I have never seen so much hate, coldness and unemotion in someone's eyes. He has been on an antidepressant since his strokes for anxiety and panic attacks and depression and I think it may not be working any more. I feel like it is a medication problem. Or rather I pray it is. It is hard but I can work if I stay in my current profession. I am working toward moving my own business forward as well ( I am an artist). The only way that I may be able to afford a caregiver for him is if I am able to find a job in my regular profession.

I am not trying to punish him by not going tomorrow. I just cannot subject myself to the same thing that I went through today and want to give it a cooling off period for him. I love him and don't want him to be there alone but I still cannot quit crying every time I think about it. His verbal treatment of me has gotten worse and worse since Feb. I am just afraid that if I go tomorrow it will start as soon as I walk in as it did today.

I have no bitterness, only sadness (and a broken heart) right now. No no family here but I have talked with his brother who agree that I should not go tomorrow. His brother and sister n law are like family to me too.

Hi isthisreallyreal...thank you for your post. I agree. I am familiar with domestic abuse (no not from my honey) first hand. I married at a very, very young (age 19)and my ex put me in the hospital three times with broken bones in the two years we were married before I was able to summon the courage to escape. My honey knows about it as I told him and I told him at that time that I would never tolerate verbal or physical abuse again before we even got together. I have never had any fear of my honey and even though I knew he was mad enough in the past I knew he would never hurt me.

I have already made it clear to the doctor that as he is not able to get up on his own, I cannot care for him as I cannot physically hold up to it. [ I am not totally weak as I can pick up a 31lb of dog food using my hands and forearms (not my back) though it does not help my shoulder. My honey is over 236lbs.] Dr said I should not have to and they are not releasing him tomorrow. I did not tell doctor about the way he has been acting but I should have. I will be calling the doctor tomorrow to discuss it with him and see if there might be a medical reason for it. I'll keep y'all posted. Hope my post made sense.

Dusti, you said he is nice to other people? If that is the case then it's obviously something he can control or he wouldn't be nice to anyone, right? I've heard quite often anger is just depression turned outward, especially in men. Maybe he resents you cause you are still able-bodied and he isn't.

I know what you are going through. I've experienced the same. I'm not going to elaborate about my situation but suffice it to say that I know how you feel and you need to protect your heart. No matter what the reason, it is inexcusable behavior. Love yourself enough to not accept that type of treatment. I wish you the best and I hope you can resolve this to where everyone is happy.

Thanks Gershun… I feel for you it is not easy. I am protecting my heart. And I will not tolerate that from him. As I said he has never physically offered to hurt me. But contrary to the old saying, words can hurt. I am going to talk to his doctor to see if they can get to the bottom of it. Have a great night and please take care.

I second Gershun's remarks - depression does this to people, they think negative thoughts like if so and so really loved me they could and would be able to do everything I want, they feel worthless and unloved, they lash out at the people who love them but simply can't fix it all. They understandably have a hard time facing the realities that things are going down hill and having a focus of blame helps deflect that for them. Antidepressants may help some and the brief absence may change his thinking a little too.

Hi vstefans….You are right....but his doctors at the hospital he is at refuse to address it. So hopefully as he gets stronger it will change. Have not been to see him since his major melt down on Monday. I have talked to him by phone though and he is trying his best not to go there again.

Good news everyone! Well they are going to be transitioning him soon to a skilled nursing facility for transitioning from the hospital to home. Hopefully this will get his strength up. He is balking some, but I have made it clear that he will not come home if he checks himself out of the hospital with out going to rehab. And if he does and has to go back to the hospital or to rehab at a later date Medicare might not pay for it because of going against medical recommendations. Found a really nice facility that is more like a hotel and is Medicare approved. They do skilled nursing and rehab. Rehab as defined requires 3hrs per day of therapy which he is not able to do but skilled nursing requires only 1 hour till he builds his strength. I am touring the facility in the morning.


A cardiologist that is not even his treating physician told him he did not need to go to rehab. Grrrrr. The cardiologist is from the same group as his regular cardiologist and is not familiar with his case. PT and his treating doctors are advising he go to rehab when he leaves the hospital.

Yay, very glad to hear this, Dusti!

Hi Snoopy,
Just kind of an update. My honey is now in a rehab facility...he hates it and is mad at me but oh well. I finally figured out if he does not care about my well being, I have to. I have posted an update on some other threads but wanted to touch base. He is doing much better and has been somewhat better on his verbal meanness. (as long as I don't disagree with him or try to state an opinion on anything...oh well. Have found silence is golden.) He is wanting to come home from rehab before his surgery. I have said no as I need this time for my back to heal and to get a few things done before he comes home from his up coming surgery. ) He is still demanding but I am learning to deal with it and still keep my sanity. (smile). Have a great day and week. Hope all is going well.

Dusti, I am happy for you that you are getting a break and sticking to your guns about his care being dealt with in a facility.

I hope things keep improving and that your back feels completely better soon.

Hi Isthisrealyreal….thank you for your post. Well just thought I was going to have a fairly decent break time. Found out this evening from my honey's cardiologist that in all likelihood my honey will be released to home before very long.... once he has completed his rehab. He has to go Monday to get a special pic line in so that he can be on IV 24/7 (I will be taking care of it except for when a nurse comes in to check it). Only thing that will make it easier is that he is supposed to be mobile when they release him. As to his mouth... it is still in high gear but hopefully will calm down. When I was out to see him yesterday he was fairly decent, but then I did not challenge him on anything or give my opinion. Talking to him today, he talked over me on everything. And he has told everyone at the rehab that he has no one to care for him at home (Huh!!). Guess that is good in a way as it means they will not release him to home until he is able to be completely mobile which is good for me. Needless to say I went into a panic attack when the doctor told me that he would be released to home once the doctor and rehab feel he is ready.

I am not panicking now but still have a sense of dread as I am hoping and praying that things will not go back to the way they were. I will say this, I can go to my study if he gets to argumentative and take the puppies with me in there. But if he even looks like he is going to become physical I will call 911 immediately. I don't believe he will get physical with me. He hasn't in 30 years and I am not afraid of him. Just dreading the hatefulness if it starts up again. That is worse than physical, but I have had time to build somewhat of a protective wall around me.

Well guess I am on my pity-potty tonight... Sorry y'all. Believe it or not before Feb of this year I have always been an optimistic, happy go lucky person who was always smiling as being his caregiver for 13 years was tough but I knew he loved and respected me. Now I am not so sure. Have a great night y'all.

Hi Everyone...another day in the chapter of meanness. Ugh. Should have stayed home today. Went to see my honey today. I called to let him know that I was on my way and he demanded that I stop at QT and get him some hot dogs and bring them to him. I told him would check with nurses to make sure ok and if ok would pick them up. He said no don't call them so I refused as he is on a special diet. I picked up two crossword books for him to the tune of 25.00 and then headed for his rehab. Get there and he was raising cane that I didn't bring the hot dogs, didn't bring him some candy bars (he is diabetic -non-insulin dependent) and didn't bring him any cokes. Did not act like he wanted me there. He glance at the crossword books and tossed them on the bed then proceeded to ignore me after I told him did not make second stop as I wanted to spend some time with him and I am on limited time frame due to plumber coming in. Well that went over like a ton of lead bricks. Gave him 3.00 so he could get cokes out of the vending machine. Tried to talk to him about what the doctor told me yesterday and he ordered me not to talk to the doctor again. Told him that he will not tell me who I can and cannot talk to. period! He went back to ignoring me. My honey told me if I did not like it I could leave. I advised I love him but...at that point he said don't go there. Told him that I loved him and would see him tomorrow. As I was leaving I told him in the 30 years we have been together I never thought that, though I loved her, he would turn into a male version of his mother (we all lived together for 7 years and I took care of her when she was sick. His mother would be really sweet and easy going one minute and then the next be in a fit of rage or would be totally sarcastic and mean). He called me back and told me I had just signed my warrant (warrant? He would not explain that ). He said I would be lucky if he came home and forget about financial help from him. I stopped him right there. I told him flat that I have been with him through everything including what he is going through right now as I love him very much but I don't have to have him in my life to survive. He just kept telling me that I had signed my warrant. I left.

Needless to say whether I can afford it or not I am buying a gun safe that will hold both guns or one gun and the ammo. If I leave his gun out it will be unloaded and the ammo will be locked up with my gun. I will have the only key and code. I am not taking any chances. Not sure what he meant by warrant...but as I said not taking any chances.

Dusti, I’m sorry if this sounds blunt, but I would stop visiting him. If you want to check on his status, call the nursing station or talk to his doctor. At least to be updated in case of his discharge without your knowledge. Personally I’d pack up my stuff, lock up or take his gun, and leave. That’s what he wants, that’s what I’d give him. This is mental abuse, and it turns my stomach reading about how your “honey” manipulates and demeans you. And you continue to go back for more. He said you’d be “lucky if he comes home to you”. I say you’d be unlucky. Signing the “warrant”? I have only heard of that phrase in connection with a death warrant. Be gone. He has mental problems/and or dementia uncontrolled. I’m sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear, but I’m hungry and angry (hangry! ) and it upsets me to no end what some men think we will endure and come back for more.

Hi rocketjcat. Please don't apologize as no apology is necessary… I agree, it is scary. I am not leaving though as I own our home. He is not on the mortgage. As for him saying I would be lucky if he came home...I told him no he will be very lucky with his current attitude and treatment of me if I allow him to come home ( forgot to put that in my prior post...was too pissed...'cuse the French). I won't lock up his weapon, just unload it so where he can't say I stole his weapon and will put the bullets, with my loaded weapon. in the gun safe that I am getting ready to purchase, (we each have our own handguns). I thought the same thing on the warrant. I can't see how telling him that he is turning into the male version of his mother would warrant that kind of talk. He hated the way she acted when we all lived together and hated walking on egg shells because of it. I am actually really concerned. I believe that he has turned his family against me as we were close until they called him direct the other day and before he got sick. They were always checking on how he was doing and how I am doing, but now their texts are always how is he doing and then once I tell them I don't hear anything back so heaven only knows what he has told them. I think the reason I have kept going back was that I did not want to believe that my honey was taking the path that it appears he is. I have my big girl panties on and know I can make it on my own. I have taken care of myself since I was 18. It breaks my heart that in these last three months he has done everything he can to destroy our relationship and then has the ….. to blame it on me. I mean I am no angel but I have bit my tongue to keep from hurting him by saying something that I would regret later. Until he said this today, I had thought maybe I am imagining things and just being too sensitive. This cured that thought. When he just kept saying you signed your warrant I got out of there fast. I did let the nurses know that he was agitated so they would be aware. He has not been diagnosed with dementia but it would explain a lot. I don't want to give up on the 30 years, but at the same time I have to keep my pups and myself safe. What a dilemma.  I guess no women wants to believe that her man might be a danger to her. 

I have decided I am going to contact some battered women's groups.  Thank you and everyone for listening to me vent. And for all of your advice, support and help. It means the world to me.

Dusti, I've been where you are. I dated a real douchebag for a while. My self-esteem was so low that by the time he was through with me you would have had to scrape me off the ground. We were at a restaurant once with some friends of his and as I was coming back to the table a woman sitting at a nearby table called me over and said very emphatically "that guy does not love you!" I asked her what he had been saying about me and the woman didn't even want to say. People were warning me about him every time I turned around but when a complete stranger tells you something like that you would think I would have listened. It finally got to the point where I had to go stay with my Mom for a while when he moved out. He stole all my jewelry, and a big box of a bunch of my personal things like letters and little mementos that would have meant nothing to him. All just to spite me. He told my Mom to Fu*k off for no reason. He beat my cat up. He threw my clothes out the window, destroyed my coffee table etc., etc.

I don't know why your husband has suddenly turned but under no circumstances stay with this man if you feel like you are in any danger. Even if he doesn't physically assault you. Verbal abuse is abuse. Please listen to your gut and do what it tells you to do.

Dusti. I love the sound of women pulling up their big girl panties!! Please make sure the rehab social worker and the doctor know he has threatened you and you fear for your safety and cannot bectekeaded to Your home. As do we. Tape him on your phone if you can. And I’m happy to know it’s really Your home. That’s great. Regarding the guns please realize that if you leave his weapon unloaded but accessible... he can always buy more ammo! Please rethink this. If you need to call 911 and tell the officers where the weapon is and that you fear for your safety they will confiscate it. Good. Get your house in order and cut back your visits to this abuser.

rocketjcat… thank you for your response. smile....took me awhile. He can't get more ammo as he cannot drive and is not strong enough for cabs. Today really scared me (there I said it). Initially thought I was imagining things as I though oh he didn't mean that but the fact he was still saying I had signed my warrant when I left scared me. When is stepped back in the room when he called me back before he said that. I told him flat I had stayed in our relationship when most wouldn't have (he had his major heart attacks 3 years after we got together). Didn't even phase him. Why do I feel like the bad person here instead of him?

I have been watching u-tube videos by counselors on verbal, emotional abuse and gaslighting. Funny 8 out of 10 questions they asked I was able to answer yes to. Scary.

I am not sure it will do any good to talk with his cardiologist as the hospital refused to address the verbal abuse (and yes I have gone from saying meanness to saying abuse). I am not going back out to see him for at least a day or two if then. I do not want to see him. He has not called me tonight and I am not calling him.

Oh my, you need to change your locks, contact local law enforcement and keep your loaded gun on you at all times.

This guy has flipped out, he has threatened you and what ever the reason doesn't matter. You need to listen when people tell you what they are.

You are obviously strong, use that strength to protect yourself. Tell his family that they can contact him direct if they can't be civil and let them know that he is currently homeless and which address should you deliver his chit too?

Isthisrealyreal...It all seems so surreal. I am going to see if I can talk with a social worker there at the facility privately. And make an appointment to see him/her. Hopefully I can do it privately without them telling him which will make things worse. He is flipping out. He thinks anything I say, no matter how I say it, is ordering him around and controlling him. Even the most innocent things. We had always been able to talk. He would not explain what he meant by I had signed my own warrant.

Right now I am back in tears again for a situation that is almost impossible but is more like a flashback to when I was married those many years ago. Abuse is one thing but since he would not explain what he meant I have to take it as a threat. I have never been afraid of anyone in my life but I have to admit what he said today has me really uneasy.

Well, got a call from my honey a few minutes ago. He called to apologize...said he did not know what came over him and started talking about being scared etc. I told him that excuse is only good for so long though I understand his being afraid with his situation. I accept his apology and I told him that he had threatened me today and had actually scared me today. He asked by what and I asked what he meant when he said that I had signed my warrant. He did not or would not explain it. I then reiterated that he had scared me today. He then said it is over and asked me not to change the locks as he will need to get his clothes. He said he never meant to scare me that he never wanted this in the 30 years that we have been together, but once that fear has set in it is always there. And then he said it is over. I am taking him on Monday to his hospital appointment and then he says I never have to see him again. He told me that I will be free to find another man. Advised him I do not want one ( I have had the one true love of my life). It will be me and the pups.

I am not going to get a gun safe but will unload his gun and hide my gun and the bullets.. I am not going to fight him on this as it is true. I am not sure that I can ever forget the fear and uncertainty that I felt today. I feel so sad and am crying right now. My heart is breaking for what we had and for what our relationship has become. I don't want him to be alone if and when the time comes. But I will not fight him on this. I did tell him I will not be out tomorrow to see him.

Most rehabs and nursing homes have geriatric psychiatrists or psychiatric NPs who practice there. Get him seen. Is he on antidepressants?

I would be arranging for him to become a long term care patient in your shoes, either at the NH or at an AL, until he is mentally stable.

Dusti, this is very sad for you, but there’s something going on inside his head that you can not control. But you can control your response and handle this on your terms, not his. This apology may be a means of getting your guard down. No matter his sudden conciliatory words, I wouldn’t trust him. He asked not to change the locks so he could get clothes? Lame excuse. Clothes can be boxed up by you and left for him somewhere. Without changing the locks he can have access inside your house 24 hours a day unannounced. Good for him, not for you. Changing the locks was the 1st thing my stepdaughter did when she broke up with her bf, and he wasn’t abusive, just a jerk. But you never know what jerks are capable of in an emotionally fraught situation.

So he is still at a rehab, and will be going from there to a hospital appointment on Monday? I strongly recommend bringing a girlfriend or someone with you. Sometimes the aides at rehab can accompany a patient to appointments. In fact Moms NH is required to send an aide unless a family member goes. Please talk to the social worker or the RN manager about that. Why do you have to go at all? Honestly I dont think I would ever be alone with this man again.

Hi Gershun, Barb and Rocket,

Good morning y'all...

Gershun… sorry for not responding. I think my "feed" has the hic-ups as your post just showed up (or I missed it-sheepish smile). That had to have been hard. As I said in one of my earlier posts.. I got married very young (age 19) and the marriage only lasted for two years. The first 6 months were great, the next 6 were verbal abuse and the remainder was physical abuse of the severe kind. My honey knew about that (I told him before we got together and my honey promised he would never even remotely go there. This is the reason why his behavior these last few months has really set me back on my heels.

I am going out to see him tomorrow (depending on how he sounds when I talk to him today on the phone). Whether he stays with me will depend on if he agrees to my demands. 1. We will purchase a gun safe and I will have the only keys, combination etc and though both guns will be locked up mine will be the only one that is loaded. 2. He will allow doctors to evaluate him to see if this is a medical issue and his current anti-depressant is not working (ie: possible his anti depressants are not working or as effective as he has been on them since his strokes in 2005) and 3. He will see a counselor (either with or without me and I will take him to the counseling sessions. Or if they have a counselor there, he can do the counseling there before he is released and continue it afterward) to help manage the fear, bullying and anger issues. I am not ready to give up on a thirty year relationship in which he has not been abusive or threatened me prior to the last 6 months. If he is willing to do this (and then does it) then we will try to work it out. If not then he can collect his clothes and go on down the road.

Barb... my honey has been on anti-depressants since he had his strokes in 2005. I have a feeling they are either not working and the dose needs to be changed or they need to put him on a different anti-depressant. With what he is going through, knowing that he is near the end, I just don't think that his current anti-depressant is doing the job.

Rocket... I agree. After what I went through with my ex (know I shouldn't compare) I don't trust apologies. The proof is in actions not words. As to the locks, his keys are here and if he does go all keys will be accounted for prior to him leaving. As I said the only way he will remain is on my terms. I do know that he does not have a spare key hidden as I would have had be the one that had it made for him and I haven't. If he had been able to drive or if there had been someone who could have had one made for him then I would be concerned, but there hasn't been in either case (hope that makes sense).

I am not afraid to be in the car with him as right now, back or no back, I am stronger than he is, my reflexes are faster and I was trained in self defense and how to take someone down if I needed to (training I had many years ago that I have never forgotten). I also have very good brakes on our car and would call 911. I don't feel that there will be any problems. If I did I would have an aide, friend or someone go along.

I will keep y'all posted. Thank you for being here for me and for your advice. Trust me I do heed it and y'all have opened my eyes to many things. As I said it is on my terms now, or it will not be at all, as to where this goes from here.

I will be doing some laundry, working on my paintings today and spending some time with our pups so it should be a relaxing day. I will be on and off throughout the day. Y'all have a blessed and great day!