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He says mean things and kind of treats me bad. I'm the only one involved in his care. Macular degeneration. Also now problem with low platelets. He makes me feel like crap. He's controlling. Idk.
Serenity, I like your name, particularly when we're talking about our elders being mad at us all the time. My mother has vascular dementia and has a hare-trigger temper. She is angry with me so often that it makes life difficult. She stays in attack mode, so I'm afraid to say things very often. I know how you feel.
What to do when they get mad and start attacking? Walk away and realize that it is not you. Your first impulse will be to yell back at them, but that will just escalate the problem. Most likely your father will insist on being right and will make you feel even worse. So walk away and find a way to soothe yourself. It can be difficult. I find doing things like deep breathing, talking sweet to my rabbit, or lying down helps a lot. Of course, I also keep my trusty finger pistol handy when it gets too bad. It's not loaded, of course, so does no harm even if I shoot myself many times with it. :-) That sounds terrible, but doing little things like this help me discharge frustration. We have a joke on some of our threads about having helmets so we can knock our heads on the wall without hurting. A little humor can make things better.
Sometimes when my mother is in prime form (like tonight), I get on the group and tell others how to cope when their parent is so angry. I don't know why it has to be so hard, but it can be.
I agree with freqflyer, there is more going on, have the MD find out why platelets are low. Macular degeneration can also be a sign of mini strokes or TIA's (transient ischemic attacks) that would affect mood and memory.
The best way to handle your fathers anger is to walk away from him. Ignore the jibes, don't answer back and just go.Go back a few minutes later, when you have a breather. As hard as it is, you have to learn to do that for your own sanity. Elderly people take it out on those closest to them, their family. Don't let him make you feel like crap, you are worth more than that. All the best. Arlene Hutcheon
Serenitynow, my Mom had macular degeneration for the last 15 years of her life.... what helped her to cope was everything had to be in its place for her to find the item, no different than someone being totally blind.
My Dad wasn't much on putting things back and that would get Mom upset... come on, Dad, put the stapler back on Mom's desk where you found it. Any time I would bring over groceries, my Mom would quickly put everything away so she will remember where it was in her mind... she didn't want Dad to help her as he would just put the item in any old place :P
BTW, someone can receive an infusion of platelets if it is needed. Someone does need to look at that to see if there is something wrong in the blood marrow that can be corrected. It sounds like he needs a complete diagnostic workup. Low platelet count doesn't just happen without a reason.
Serenity, bloodwork is the compass that tells the MD where to go from here. It's like following a trail of clues to the hidden answer. Vascular dementia is the breakdown of blood flow in the brain, either blockages or bleeds that deprive the brain of oxygen. Anxiety and anger are early signs, along with forgetfulness.
You are not alone in dealing with an angry parent. My mother has some really awful days. A book that has helped me to deal with it is Elder Rage: Take My Father, Please by Jacqueline Marcel. I also read Alice in Wonderland. My mother definitely has Red Queen days. Humor helps a lot.
My father has macular degeneration (advanced) and I have the beginnings of it. He also has a fear of going blind and so can get quite anxious about this.....but he does not get angry because of this. Has he had a neurological work-up? I ask this because unwarrented anger can be part of Alz. My mom (she died of Alz. last year) became a very angry person during the early-mid stage of her disease. She would say and do the most awful things....accusing us of stealing, calling us names and just being hateful toward us for no reason....except that her mind was failing her and she was striking out at those around her. It sounds as if your Dad has more going on then just MD....his platelets are really low, and his anger issues are hurting those who care for him. These all need to be addressed as have been suggested by all who have responded to you here. If he does have some sort of dementia, please, please remember that no matter what he says in anger you are NOT to blame...the disease is. I'm not saying that it's easy to just ignore what he is saying (because from personal experience I KNOW it hurts) but try to remember you are not/ were not the cause of his anger! My blessings to you.
What is vascular dementia? I feel like theres nothing i can do right. Im 55 and taking classes to get back into the workforce. Im tired of his attacks and putdowns. He has nothing nice to say about anyone. His moods effect me terribly.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
What to do when they get mad and start attacking? Walk away and realize that it is not you. Your first impulse will be to yell back at them, but that will just escalate the problem. Most likely your father will insist on being right and will make you feel even worse. So walk away and find a way to soothe yourself. It can be difficult. I find doing things like deep breathing, talking sweet to my rabbit, or lying down helps a lot. Of course, I also keep my trusty finger pistol handy when it gets too bad. It's not loaded, of course, so does no harm even if I shoot myself many times with it. :-) That sounds terrible, but doing little things like this help me discharge frustration. We have a joke on some of our threads about having helmets so we can knock our heads on the wall without hurting. A little humor can make things better.
Sometimes when my mother is in prime form (like tonight), I get on the group and tell others how to cope when their parent is so angry. I don't know why it has to be so hard, but it can be.
My Dad wasn't much on putting things back and that would get Mom upset... come on, Dad, put the stapler back on Mom's desk where you found it. Any time I would bring over groceries, my Mom would quickly put everything away so she will remember where it was in her mind... she didn't want Dad to help her as he would just put the item in any old place :P
Vascular dementia is the breakdown of blood flow in the brain, either blockages or bleeds that deprive the brain of oxygen. Anxiety and anger are early signs, along with forgetfulness.
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