Does anyone deal with a parent who lives in your home who is rude and mean to company/visitors?

It usually is a very supportive site. I also felt some comments were harsh, and I am sorry some seem to have superior attitudes when they do not know what you are feeling or going through. This is supposed to be a community where we can freely vent, share and hopefully get some helpful suggestions. Apparently it is not only elderly dementia patients who can dish out rudeness. We never know how fragile someone might be feeling at any given time; maybe we can get our points across in a gentler, kinder fashion?

#1 As terryjack1 says, "those with dementia often say or act in inappropriate ways, we just have to remember they are unable to recognize that it's inappropriate." AND #2 as Chicago1954 points out, healthy people do inappropriate things too. Elders often become self-centered and attention-seeking. AND #3 being self-centered and attention-seeking isn't limited to elders, right? It's a kind of immaturity that kids learn to outgrow, or not... that some personalities have more than others.... that can be left over from trauma... It's one of those nature/nurture questions. Any which way, wherever it comes from, we're better off if we don't take it personally (=it's a reflection on the other person not on you), don't reward it (making a fuss gives attention), do put boundaries (= reflect what's not ok about it, sometimes, as calmly as you can), and limit its impact on us or our exposure to it (= walk away, take a break, get help so you're not stuck with it all the time). And try to be conscious about when we ourselves are self-centered and thoughtless, too, which helps with the humility and tolerance factor. :-) Just like every other difficult aspect of life, right?!

Reading your account, I was thinking "so… what do you want her to do instead?" She can't help it. You can't change it. But.

You absolutely do have every right to invite people to your house. It is incredibly annoying when you get the sympathy/pity bit shoved up your nose by your understanding friends. It is embarrassing and tiresome when your previously polite, socially skilled parent suddenly trots out incredibly personal remarks and/or cold shoulders your guests. So I agree with everything you've said, I really like Terry's suggestion of calling in a "minder" to help, and in conclusion: this is probably just one more thing to feel justly pissed off with AD about. It too will pass.

And then again, there's the old "mind over matter" consolation. Guests who mind don't matter. Guests who matter don't mind. Please accept a shoulder rub from me - and don't stop inviting people round!

This jealous behavior is very typical with Demenia. When my mom could still verbally communicate she was insulting to me and visitors when she was not the vocus. I would take her aside, if company was present, and tell her to go to her room. You'll need to set boundaries, much like you did with your children.

Contact your local Area Agency on Aging or Bureau of Senior Services and ask about in home programs that your mom may qualify for. When you know you are having company, perhaps you can have a provider come in and keep your mom busy so you can enjoy your guests. Having an in home provider also gives you a break, I would also check into your local adult medical day care program. It's a great place for your mom to go to eat a meal, socialize and keep busy with a variety of activities. The AAA also has caregiver programs such as support and respite that you can utilize. Those with dementia often say or act in inappropriate ways, we just have to remember they are unable to recognize that it's inappropriate.

Seriously? Do you really think this a conspiracy against your own happiness? Do you expect a toddler's first words to be a passage in latin? Do you expect the blind to cross a busy city street unaided with earbuds in & not get hit by a car? Do you expect smokers to be considerate people? Now, do you expect someone with cerebral atrophy to think clearly? Your mother has ALZ. She is not just a misbehaving person who is rude but a person with a neurodegenerative disease. Big difference.

You need to stop thinking like a healthy adult with all reasoning & thought but as someone with a neurodegenerative disease. This is your mother's mindset & why she is acting the way she does. It's not a conscience choice. The topography of the brain of an ALZ patient vs. a healthy individual (like yourself) is great. Look up "cerebral atrophy" so you can get a visual. Notice the tissue loss. Again, notice the tissue loss. As the disease progresses, so will the spacing & "holes" appear. When we lose brain tissue, cells are lost or the connections between them are damaged. This is brain damage. When you speak of moodiness & behavioral changes, this is why your mother is acting like she does. Again, it is not a conscience choice. This is something she cannot control, however it may seem. Sadly, at this stage, the disease has progressed & will continue to worsen. She will come to a point where she won't be able to say anything. Are you going to then say she is being rude & ungrateful for all the sacrifices you have done for her because she won't speak to you?

You also need to realize that the mother you once knew is lost. I think that is hardest of all. On the outside, sure, she is an adult & it carries a lifetime of memories. However, on the inside, she is like a child. Each day, it's like taking a step backwards. She interacts with you because you are part of her long-term memory. You are familiar to her. You bring her comfort & she is dependant on you. When your friends come over, these people are "strangers" to her & are part of her short-term memory. It is a change & it makes her uncomfortable. ALZ patients need simplified routines. When that gets disrupted, she doesn't have the reasoning to be cordial & "behave" like you want. It's worse than being a kid because you can get kids to behave. Also, because she can't articulate with words, she is expressing herself the only way she can. (Just a side note: Ever notice how people interact w/ the elderly. How they talk in a "baby" voice to them & say things like "look how cute he/she is" & "he/she is sooo adorable." Really? Let's be dignified when we talk to the aging population.) Your mother can't interact with people like she used to. She senses that in her own way.

If your visitors really understand, they wouldn't be getting annoyed. Guess what, it's not their problem but shame on them all the more if they can't be more understanding. It's 24 hours for you & for them a short while. You hate their attitude? Be direct & say something that lets their jaws drop. One less thing you'll have to worry about. You don't like how your mother interacts with your guests, then separate them. She will not be the one to change because she just can't.

It is really hard to deal with someone with ALZ & age-related dementia. I often question am I the better caregiver because I know my grandfather. I know my grandmother. I am not some stranger coming in. I have memories & they are my elders- the (grand) parent & I'm the kid. I think the thing you need to do is separate the reasoning from reality. Accept that the roles are now reversed.

Thanks for all the suggestions some have worked others will not.

Today Mom was rude to her caregivers, would not even look at them. Then last Friday she kicked her bath mat and threw things in her bathroom because her caregiver wanted her to take her shower and apparently she did not. I'm guessing behavior is due to her not being the center of my attention but she is the center of attention for her caregivers. Today I told her if she continues to be combative and not treat them nice she was going to have to go to a nursing home because I can't and won't give up anymore of my life for her. I feel like I'm doing tough love!!!

Apparently this is not a supportive site so I'll just say some of the comments are so rude and apparently one sided that they are ridiculous. Since no one but me and my family know what I've done for my Mom for the past 5 years or what I have given up. Before this current stage she is in she went everywhere with me, it took 7 months working with her 16 hours a week for her to make her Christmas presents. I've played more card games and built more puzzles then I care to remember. All this energy was used so she could have a better life. Oh yes the time spent in ALZ glasses and support groups or researching drugs to ensure the doctor is doing what is right for her is a donation of my time... my life....no one is going to give me the time back. Nor will my health return due to all the stress I've been under so I don't need to be lectured about her care nor do I need suggestions on books to read..I'm looking at 10 books all about her care right now. So if I want company in my home for a month I'll have them, I refuse to give up anythings else of my life. Oh yes I quit a 150,000 a year job to care for her. Have a nice day!!!

When I first came across "How do you deal with a misbehaving parent?" in my inbox, a smile came across my face because it brought back some memories for me. When I clicked to get the expanded question: "My mom has ALZ ...." , that smile quickly dropped. I thought this person doesn't understand the situation she's in. Then she mentioned about hating the pity attitude people give. This should be someone with a strong, solid backbone. Right? Boy, was I sure wrong.

We as caregivers are all experiencing the same emotions & feelings but how we differ is the fine details & at what point we are at in our own lives. It's like the stages of grief. We are all grieving. We all put our lives on hold but the world keeps on moving around us. Because of this, the direction of our lives are altered. This doesn't make one person more special than the next. Also, we are losing a loved one. It is a loss. It hurts. It needs to be dealt with. There is the denial, the guilt, the anger and until we can understand and accept the situation we are now in at present, we will be forever lost. It's a process one has to work through. Anger is a very powerful emotion & until one faces reality, it will cripple you & the person one is caring for.

People, please don't come in after my earlier response & mistake my tone for harshness & rudeness. Well, the first graph, yes, but I was trying to make a point. The rest, you can't please everyone with delicate sensibilities in this world. Why try?

See, we are all unique individuals. It is illustrated how we approach these boards. There are people who choose to answer a question by actually not answering at all. One instead essentially shares the same situation they're in. It leaves (at least this reader) the comfort that one is not alone. There are others who choose to answer by further insight. By the time I answered, there were already enough good insight about dealing with ALZ. I wanted to talk about the disease itself. That is really the issue. I also did not want to respond in such that I am enabling someone to continue to wallow in self-pity. I just wanted to offer insight into the disease because it is a losing battle but accepting it doesn't have to be. I admit, I started my answer with "Really?" because I wanted to evoke a certain response. I wanted to fire Demboots up. That is how one's true nature comes out. Again, that is how one's true nature comes out. She showed her true colors. Does one want to be receptive to information & insight & face it head on or shallow, enabled & stunted. I wanted to explain the disease process because for me, knowledge helps with understanding & that leads to acceptance of why things are why they are & why they can't be changed. That is where the power lies. It helped me to move on. Sure, I vent. I just choose to divulge to those who directly impact my life. If this makes for a superior attitude, then I say to that person, get out of your comfort zone. Don't agree to just agree. Challenge yourself. You may learn something. Don't enable someone to be emotionally stunted. That is a disservice to mankind. A thinking person or someone who truly wants help will be receptive to all information, process it and make it work for the reality they are in. If one listens but doesn't hear, one can't move one. Especially to someone who comes across as self-centered.

What do people truly want as a response to a question? Read all the responses by Demboots. She is trying to evoke as she says "tough love" to someone who is essentially mentally inferior to her now. It's unrealistic & cruel. This is not the coming of the minds of two equal adults. Like I said in my earlier post, one has a neurodegenerative disease. Big difference.

Demboots, I hope you are not bullying your mother with ALZ. There is so much anger & resentment in your words & mindset when you are challenged. It has to go somewhere & it is usually directed to the source. You should take advice from someone who has way more experience than you do or just as the casual observer. Lose the "I, I, I, me, me, me attitude." Stop your whining. You come across as senseless & you sound like your heart isn't in it to be a caregiver because with all you say you've researched, you would know caregiving is about giving of one's self. It is a selfless act. You shouldn't expect to be always rewarded for every good deed you do. Your reward should be knowing you made a difference in someone who needed your help. You made the decision to care for your mother. If you are so unhappy, get out now. It will benefit both of you in the long run. Things are going to get a lot more challenging. Believe me.

Tough love?? I don't hear any love here. How would you feel, and how would you react, if someone insisted you have a shower when you did not want to have one? I think I would do more than kick a bathmat!

Demboots, where are you? Have you decided to abandon this site because you no longer read the words that you feel you deserve to hear, words that support your unrealistic expectations of the behaviour of a person with a neurogenerative disease? Do you want us to actually support those unrealistic expectations? I think (again, MY opinion) that your mother would probably be better off in a nursing home. At least there she would have a fighting chance of getting care from those who do not resent her very existence.