Every time I go to visit my mother she constantly asks why my father never visits. He's been gone 3 years and we put her in a home a year ago. She has moderate Alzheimer's and of course constantly forgets. We've mentioned to her that he's passed, she gets upset and cries, and we don't know whether to continue to keep telling her that or not? My mom is still together for the most part she has good and bad days like everyone else but she also knows that my dad would come to visit if he could. She gets very frustrated and upset when we lie to her and tell her that he's at work or he's at home sleeping or doing errands. It's so frustrating for my sister and I we really don't know how to handle it. The staff where my mother is at constantly tells us to lie to her and not to tell her that our father has passed, however it's so upsetting because she knows in her heart that he would come and visit there's nothing that would ever stop him from visiting her. She thinks she's in the hospital and can't remember why she's there, and constantly asks to come home or to have my dad come and pick her up after work. So I'm at a loss I don't know really how to handle it. My sis can visit her more frequently because she has a flexible job whereas I do not. So my sister gets the brunt of a lot of it most of the time I should say and tells me that mom always asks about him and we just really don't know how to handle like I said so if anybody has any ideas that would help with this would greatly be appreciated. As I've said we've tried the lying it doesn't work she gets upset and cries because she knows. And of course when we tell her that he's passed she gets upset and cries and acts like she didn't know about it or nobody told her and then we have to go over every single. So again I'm really just so lost on how to handle it we don't want to upset her as much as we possibly can. I kind of thought maybe leaving a prayer card of his from his funeral with her on one of my dad's pictures to maybe remind her that he's passed, I don't really know if that would help or hurt? Opinions, comments anything that could help would really be appreciated please!
My dad did this when my mom was hospitalized. Kept asking where she was and how come nobody told me!!
I don't have an answer for you. Other than sometimes over time they actually stop asking about something on their own. Then that issue goes away and another issue comes up!!
My dad passed away in the AL room they shared. My mom for some reason handled his passing very well.(married 60 yrs) She went to the funeral etc. but later in the day it was forgotten. She knows he's gone. Doesn't bring him up anymore unless I do. It's like she forgot him? But I talk about how great a dad he was and she likes to hear that
I have a wall (framed pics)in her same AL room dedicated to my dad. I even framed his obit. But I guess that could make it worse for your mother idk
But in your mom’s case I know you want to spare her pain.
So I’m wondering, Does your mom remember that she saw you or sister that day?
In other words if you ask your mom has sis been by today, does mom remember correctly?
If not, you might say, Dad was just here. He said it was sure great to see you. He’s coming back tomorrow. He had to get back to work or whatever you’ve been saying. The only thing different is that he has just been there.
Would she like a stuffed animal from him? He left you this cuddly bear. Isn’t it sweet. Do you want it in your bed with you? Or dad sent you these pretty flowers. He said you loved pink.
Whatever would make her feel better and remembered by him.
There is a therapeutic benefit to not telling your mom that your dad is gone. She has dementia and each time she's told that he's gone it's like she's finding out for the very first time and that's traumatizing.
However, you said your mom gets angry when you tell her dad can't visit because he's (fill in the blank). And that your mom knows he would always come to see her no matter what and becomes angry when you tell her dad's at work or busy or whatever.
So which scenario is the easiest on your mom? I know they're both difficult and both evoke strong emotions but is one scenario a little less upsetting than the other? Maybe your mom recovers quicker with one of the scenarios than she does with the other one?
Or you could look at it like this: would you prefer your mom to be angry or grief stricken?
Discuss it with your sister, maybe compare your mom's reactions to each scenario regarding your father's lack of presence, and come up with 1 explanation that you can stick to and help your mom through.
Mother immediately said that he is probably on the road and busy with the truck. Tha fixed it. G'Pa had been gone for a few years at that time.
Sometimes a fiblet works best.