My 88 year old mother thinks the world revolves around her. She has always been this way, but it has escalated tremendously in old age. Any of her friends who have serious illnesses or have passed, she refuses to see them or go to a visitation or funeral, yet she has a small basal cell spot removed from her face and she's absolutely dying. She is very materialistic and has become a hoarder in her small condo. My 55 year old brother lives with her rent free and she basically takes care of him because she can control him. I know this sounds like I don't love my mom, and I do, but it's getting harder and harder to deal with as she ages. As a humorous side note, she lies about her age and tries to pass for 73. I guess I just need to know how I should handle this as she ages. Thanks!
I have always been the family fixer. I take over the problems and solve them no matter what cost to myself. This always made me feel needed until I realized what I was "really" doing. I do believe the label is called enabling. Since finding this website I have been able to put a stop to that for myself. I no longer step in to solve everyone's problems, but will offer advice on how I might handle it only if asked. Otherwise, I bite my tongue and remind myself I have my mother with Dementia, Parkinson's, Stroke, Incontinent, with a Narcissistic personality to deal with and that is enough! In fact this has caused a rift between my son and his so called girlfriend when I refused to keep her 2 children anymore for weekends (not my grandchildren but sweet kids). Even though I explained how my mother was up at all hours of the night or day calling and needing whatever was on her mind at the time, so I was exhausted most of the time. My son declaired that he was going to take a break from talking or visiting. I don't know what he is taking a break from since he has never offered help. I do believe I have raised another narcissist. He has had some rough times but at 31 I do expect him to taking responsibility for his actions and stop blaming others for HIS choices. Since it was his choice to take a break I will honor it and keep my distance even though it is like a blade straight to the heart. I do have to admit it is a relief to know that call is not coming on Thursdays about dropping off or asking for something else. It just leaves me with the 91 yr. old toddler to deal with which is my choice so my burden. I take full responsibilities of my choices! My Dad taught me that! I learned my enabling from him, but I also learned self reliance and responsibility.
My advice is similar to others. If the situation is working for your mother and brother then leave well enough alone unless you know there is abuse of some sort. Be warned that stepping in will require you stepping up which may not be what you really want in the reality of things. Think things through and know that not all the facts may be at your fingertips. Approach with caution!
Why I say this: It's been 16 years since my dad passed and mom decided I was her personal servant (typical narcissist behavior). My brother, thank God has been out of the picture for 25 years so I haven't had to deal with him much. Both my parents were hoarders and all this has taken a toll on my health finances and relationships, not to mention the stress on my husband and occasionally our relationship.
If you must eventually step in and take charge, by all means do your homework. Not only will you get grief from your mom and brother, but also many if not all the so called professionals you will have to deal with who are more than willing to take the money but fall very short on services.
Fair warning.
My Dad [93] is that way, even though he is very easy going he resents the fact that he can no longer drive and go out to get the things he needs to keep doing repairs to their house. I can just imagine his frustration.... but then again, my parents made their choice to continue to live in their single family home instead of moving to a nice retirement community.... thus they need to live with the responsibilities that come with that choice.
I get the feeling your mother has been making some requests of you that are more than you want to do. It can be time consuming dealing with an older parent. I wondered why you scoffed at your brother, who is putting up with it all the time. It would seem you would have some empathy, instead. Receiving free rent and board for watching after an elder is very little pay. Many people who are 88 need someone living with them to help with chores, shopping, and appointments. If your brother is doing things, maybe he needs a big thank you. I don't know what he does, so don't know if it is what you need to do.
I've talked and talked to him about getting help, the police have had repeated contact with him (when he's driving erratically or lying in the parking lot in his underwear) and they keep letting him go. He's a sad, sorry case that needs some kind of intervention. See if you can help your brother before something like that happens to him.
Carefully consider if you really think that Mom is caring for him, or the other way around. How often do you see your Mom? It may help to understand the situation if you can manage to visit Mom for a week and let brother take a week for himself.