I have been caring for my father with dementia for 6 years. He lives with my husband and I in an area with very limited to non-existent services for dementia. I've called everyone and there is nothing and no one to even give us a break for 1 hour. We moved 100 miles to be closer to him, so moving again isn't an option. What do you do when all the advice about getting help isn't possible? How do you do this 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and survive? Now he's getting delusional and thinks my husband pushed him, so my husband, who has been wonderful, can no longer help me out. I called his PCP for an appointment, but it will be 5 weeks until I can get him seen for 15 minutes. I'm terrified of him and have to be with him every waking moment. I feel like I'm having a heart attack. Help.
I am very sorry that you feel worse. Everyone was sincerely trying to help. I understand your frustration. Your response to Beatty states that you live on the Oregon coast. You don’t list a location in your profile so I did a general search online and this is what I found for you. There are lots of contact numbers and I truly hope there is a location in Oregon near to you. It wouldn’t hurt to try calling and see what they suggest for your location. carefororegon.org
You can also call Council on Aging in Oregon. They will do a needs assessment on your father and make recommendations for his future care.
It is extremely difficult to be a caregiver in a challenging situation. I did it too. I cared for my mom for 15 years in my home. It’s the toughest job ever! So, I understand that you are at your wits end.
Placing a person in a facility isn’t ‘dumping’ them off. Sometimes, it’s the only option. If finances are an issue, there is Medicaid. You can still be in your father’s life as his advocate. If your state allows cameras in his room, you can do that too. I will not deny that abuse doesn’t happen. I believe compassionate care far outweighs abuse. There is a shortage of staff in some homes. It is important to be an advocate for residents in a facility. It is possible to build a positive relationship with the staff. It is important to do research on the facilities that are a consideration.
I recently lost my mom. She was 95. She spent the last month of her life in a wonderful ‘end of life’ hospice house. Mom adjusted and they were so caring. She had the benefit of a professional staff, nurses, aides, social worker and clergy. I will be forever grateful that my mother died with dignity and free from pain. She had Parkinson’s disease and slight dementia.
I am fully aware that each of us has our own individual circumstances. One thing that we do have in common is that we are all struggling with decisions regarding our caregiving responsibilities. Some of our parents have died and then we have cared for our spouses or our own health issues. Many leave the forum after their loved ones have died, others stick around to help new posters. Some of the posters have become like family to each other. This truly is a group of people who care.
I hope you will see that no one intentionally tried to make you feel worse. I hope things work out for you no matter what you decide to do. I wish you peace as you navigate your way through this difficult time in your life. Take care.
OP, why are you ‘terrified of’ your father? If you have good reason to be terrified, then why is calling the police not appropriate? If you used the wrong word – perhaps you meant ‘terrified for’, not ‘of’ - there is no reason to insult people who have answered you in good faith.
Calling the police in these circumstances is not the same as ‘putting my dad in jail’. The police are simply the first responders (who don’t know what level of disturbance they will find). Their involvement is more likely to result in getting the services you find difficult to access. For example, he may be helped by a week to monitor his ‘bad days’ and find medication that will ease them – for you as well as for him. And have you looked for respite care? You sound as though that would certainly be helpful (even if it's a distance away)
You do need to acknowledge that buying “your own beautiful home near my father” in an isolated area, means that services will be limited. That’s why elders who live on isolated farms where I am, often relocate to a nearby town as they get too old to run the farm. Did your father consider moving, or did all of you just assume that you would do everything he needed? Was it the wrong decision?
Please could you complete your profile, and spend a bit more time on the site, before you reply like this someone who answers your plea for ‘Help!’ And please reread before you post – why on earth do you ‘feel like you are having a heart attack’? Heart attack symptoms are quite specific!
You now find that there are no support services.
Run it by me again: why can you not move yourselves and your father 100 miles out of this area to one that does have support services? I can understand if you're feeling too overwhelmed to undertake the research and planning yourself, but I'd have thought it would be the ideal project for your very responsible- and caring-sounding husband.
Nothing like telling someone what they should have done ... after its done.
* I also believe many people do not think 'beyond' the situation they are in - and this woman maybe had NO IDEA what she was getting into, moving.
* Sounds like financially, she cannot move again - ? Many family members have NO IDEA of what is happening or will happen in the future.
* I would hope she researches Medical and facilities even if not near by. She will burn herself out and it will affect the quality of her marriage if she doesn't make some changes. Soon.
Gena / Touch Matters
You can call your closest Area Agency on Aging, and they will help you find the right facility for your dad. They should also be able to help you find some in home help as well, until you find a facility that works best for your father.
It's time to not only do what's best for your father and his safety, but also what's best for you and your health. I wish you the best.
And you tell them you can no longer care for him.
He needs to be in LTC. You cannot handle someone with mental problems. Spend down his money and then apply for Medicaid.
See All Answers