I have been caring for my father with dementia for 6 years. He lives with my husband and I in an area with very limited to non-existent services for dementia. I've called everyone and there is nothing and no one to even give us a break for 1 hour. We moved 100 miles to be closer to him, so moving again isn't an option. What do you do when all the advice about getting help isn't possible? How do you do this 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and survive? Now he's getting delusional and thinks my husband pushed him, so my husband, who has been wonderful, can no longer help me out. I called his PCP for an appointment, but it will be 5 weeks until I can get him seen for 15 minutes. I'm terrified of him and have to be with him every waking moment. I feel like I'm having a heart attack. Help.
The sad reality is that seniors that live a long time with dementia will get to the point of needing to live in a residential facility. The reason is usually that their loved ones can not manage their care 24/7/365; you have to sleep sometime. It seems you have reached this point. Here are a few suggestions:
1 - Time to move to a memory care unit. Research the nearest memory care facilities. Ask to try a meal. Visit the day room(s). Look at the activity calendar. See if you can talk to one of the CNAs and one of the nurses. If they are too busy to talk, they might be too busy to listen to your loved one. How does the security system keep their clients from wandering. Is there opportunities to get outside for fresh air? What is the cost? Do they take Medicare and Medicaid?
2 - Get your loved one to see his doctor. The world becomes an increasingly confusing and scary place for people with Alzheimer's dementia. The confusion leads to frustration; the frustration leads to anxiety; the anxiety leads to verbal or physical "acting out." The best option until you can get to the doctor is to keep to a routine and keep the home from changing. The doctor should be able to prescribe anti-anxiety medications to calm your loved one's anxiety and agitation. The doctor can also prescribe sleeping medication if your loved one has difficulty staying asleep at night.
3 - Try OTC medications until you can get to the doctor. Benadryl is used a lot in hospitals as a sleeping medication for seniors and younger people. It is not addictive and has practically no side effects. Some people swear by CBD oil for calming agitation and anxiety. Other OTC herbs and teas can help calm people a bit - chamomile, lavender, St. John's Wort or valerian (same plant)... Please check with a pharmacist or online Medication site to make sure there will not be interactions with your loved one's usual medications and any OTC preparations your are considering.
Call 911 emergency so they get him into a facility, and the hospital will call his primary care doctor for further instructions.
You can’t do this any more.
He needs more care than you’re physically able to provide and that’s ok.
You did all you could for this long.
Hugs, then dial for help-
Do not feel guilty for a nanosecond.
https://www.211.org/
Do you have medical insurance? Check to see if they have a resource for therapists, many also have a help line to call for help and advice. Most offer mental health services via a phone call.
Check to see if any local religious or service organizations have resources that can help. Catholic Family Services was a huge help to me and we are not catholic. Did your dad belong to any group that you can reach out to? Masons, Lion's Club, Rotary, etc.
Was your dad in a military? The VA may be able to help.
Its very hard to ask for help and admit that you can’t do it all yourself. My parents were embarrassed for anyone in their small town to know "their business" and let outsiders know they couldn’t cope by themselves.
No one knows what is involved in caring for someone with dementia until they actually do it. Some of the things that happen and situations that come up you probably couldn't have imagined in your wildest dreams because your history with your dad is when he was normal. This disease is a wild card. Sounds like your father needs to be placed in a LTC facility where he can get the care he needs which is 24/7. They have three shifts of trained folks to take care of him. How are you going to be there for him and make good decisions for him if you stress yourself into a heart attack? Placing him doesn't mean your aren't helping him, it doesn't mean you are giving up, it means you are making rational decisions that are in his best interest and yours.
You need to care for yourself!
GOOD LUCK.