How to handle when the family member you're caregiver to has some health issues (all being treated) but is also a hypochondriac?

OK, so here goes:
This is what I have learned over the years of dealing with doctors. My husband has had his share of health issues, my daughter has had her share of health issues, and now my mom is near the end of her health issues.

I admire dedicated doctors. I appreciate their hard work and sacrifice to go through the grueling work that is needed to become one. I would never claim to know more than they do. BUT (and this is a biggie) I also have common sense. And I have had a lot of experience. I've been around my share of ER's, hospitals, doctors' offices, ad nauseum, to have picked up a few things. If you're burnt out, then I'm sure you have as well!

So my friend, allow yourself to tap into your own common sense and experience, both that which you've had all along, and that which you have learned during this slog of caregiving, and ask yourself "OK, self, is this REALLY an emergency, or is she just playing me? Again?" I'll bet *every time!!* you erred on the side of caution, and it turned out to be nothing remotely resembling an emergency, in your heart of hearts you KNEW it was B.S. from the get-go! So the next time she pulls something like this, if you think you could do this and still enjoy yourself, look her straight in the eye, tell you you're calling shenanigan's on her behavior and go do what you planned on doing. My husband used to tell the kids if they were interrupting us if there wasn't blood or fire, it could wait. So if your mom isn't actively bleeding, in apparent pain or anything else that makes your Spidey Sense say "ok, this might be legit" it can wait. If she gives you a hard time about it, you might re-tell her the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

Oh, and as far as people chastising you for going along with your plans, you can assure them THEY are welcome to take care of mom while you're out if they're so concerned. I'll bet that take a big step back once you tell them that!

Good luck!!

In my case, the power of suggestion was a strong trigger! My mom would see a commercial on television and think it may apply to her.

I think a lot of people react to those commercials that way. I’ve seen it in a number of people. The commercials prey upon that reaction.

The same for reading the ‘side effects’ in drugs. Of course drugs have side effects but not everyone gets them and if a person does then they can address it. Some people anticipate problems before they occur and drive themselves and others nuts.

Anyway, I feel for you and it’s a challenge.

I am so very sorry that you experienced the pain in your family that you have. Many of us have had heartbreaking situations and can empathize with you.

All such good advice here. Especially - don't warn aforehand. Make plans and do it with as short notice as possible. If you get a drama when you return be sympathetic but don't let her guilt you. Oh that's a shame ... I'm sure (so and so) took care of that ok etc etc in a pleasant voice will do. And then do it again ... and again ... and again. She will get the message whether she likes it or not. Expect resistance. But don't let her take charge of the situation by guilting you about what has happened when you weren't there - this is crucial. Say: glad I got (so-and-so) in then. Just make the arrangement - again and again and Keep Doing It. Get a life back in short successful stages.

I could have written this myself. Anytime my mom thinks I want to do something she will say she is not going. I’m sorry I don’t have an answer for you but I sure will be reading your responses.

Your mom may be a narcissist, but the underlying issue may be anxiety. I am in agreement with those who say, don't tell her of your plans. Then, she can't get worked up about them ahead of time. Also, without sounding too blunt, you are her caregiver, but you don't control her destiny. You could be home with her when something actually happens and not make any difference in the world concerning outcome. My dad fell as he got out of bed one morning. He acted on impulse instead of being careful. It didn't matter if I was down the hall in another room or meeting with the veteran's agent down the street. He fell. He got hurt. Did I feel bad about it? Yes. Was it my fault? No. It is easy for caregivers to feel entire responsibility for their parents, but the reality is perfection is impossible. Yes, there are ways that our presence can make some difference, but we are not God. We are human, and God's plan for our loved ones is a mystery and frankly, something we have little control over. If your mom's behavior is placing you in an uncomfortable situation, you need to do what is best for you, therefore, for her. I am with the people who say that you/she needs to find more helpers in her care. Depending on her situation, a lifeline mechanism that detects falls may be all she needs to allow you more freedom to go out and your mother the confidence to be on her own. Be firm as you implement these changes.

in 2017 up until my wife had a major stroke, she insisted that she had to go to the ER over 65 times. Of those 65 times she was admitted 1 time for observation and discharged 2 days later with no findings of ill health.

That same year I insisted that she needed to go to a Dr or ER 3 times. Each of the 3 times she was admitted for at least a week when serious health issues were found. The last being the major stroke.

After spending about 2 !/2 years out of the past 3 in SNF for rehab or LTC she is now home again. After being sent to SNF for rehab 3 different times after being discharged from the hospital and with me no longer going to the ER with her. She has only asked to go 1 time. She was taken by rescue and when the hospital called me to come get her I told them to call for transport to bring her home. This added another 3 hours wait time for her.( Please note: I notified the ER of her impending arrival and that she would need transport when she was released and they failed to pass the info on to the care manager)

Is this cruel? No more so than me stopping everything in my life to go sit in the ER for no less then 5 hours each visit.

I am 66 Y/O and her primary caretaker. She is narcissistic, bi-polar, and a few other mental health issues so it is aa thankless job. However, when we married 36 years ago it was til death do us part and I take that seriously. We do love each other but this is no fun.

I guess what I am saying to you is that you allow your mother to interrupt your life as she sees fit. Tell her if she doesn't trust you health advice,( you should know by now what is real and what is not) that after the next ER visit she will be sent to rehab so that she will have "professional" care around the clock until they determine whether or not she is constantly on the edge of dying.

Trust your knowledge of your mother's health.

Manipulation alert! Red flags!

Okay. IF there is an emergency, of course you deal with it. Those includes strokes and heart attacks, broken bones, and so forth. Other than that, most things can wait, especially if she is a hypochondriac.

Can she still use a phone to call a doctor? or 911? Is she capable of calling an Uber? If so, then she can any of those things if you're not around. If not, then figure out an emergency outline. If you go out and she calls with a non-emergency, be firm. If it's a real emergency, then call 911.

You decide what those recreational and social activities are, you schedule them, you post them on a calendar, and you go. You have to follow through on this. I would guess you'll feel guilty the first few times. Keep at it. You know that's what you need, and you mom needs to cut the crap. Sorry to be vulgar, but it's true.

WHEN you are gone for the day, is she capable of reaching out for help if necessary? If not, then you have to find a sitter or a family member to spell you on those days.

You're on the right track, you're just dealing with a manipulative person who is guilting you and making this much more difficult than it needs to be. I would also say to her something such as: please stop manipulating me; this is manipulative, stop it; you're preventing me from X or Y. State what is happening directly.

Find a therapist. Having an objective professional on your team is necessary in these times.

you perpetuate this situation. Why? Is it the reward of martyrdom? It’s something many people, especially women, fall for. Look at so many other on this it. Here’s a secret - those who praise your martyrdom are privately relieved it’s you and not them. So... give your mother the phone and her doctors no. and walk out the door. Go on!!! It your life. Grab the happy!! Xx

Be assertive. And tell the rest of the family if they are not there physically, to butt out. And of course hold their peace. Have you ever considered plugging her into a church and letting a Evangelical Pastor anoint and pray for her health every Sunday ? Not to mention he could counsel her every month or so? Really this sounds like a spiritual problem as in she needs deliverance--it could be a generational curse. And if you play your cards right-- close to your chest-- you might sneak it past the evil things that have her in bondage. Look in your New Testament in which so many were set free from things unseen and basically spiritually inclined--- use the Sherlock formula -- when all else is accounted for and what remains must be the truth. Go see you favorite born again preacher. Kick the enemy of her and your souls in the teeth. And you both will laugh for years afterward-- and the rest of your lives will be full of peace-- Philippians 4: 4-13. read it to her everyday. And then pray with her or find someone like a wonderful lady Sunday school teacher to come over and have a cuppa coffee. Watch God move.

Imho, is it at all possible that your mother may be a narcissist? It seems as though the world may revolve around her and her needs. As her physician gave the okay, please go out for the day.

You need to broaden your mom's support network. Other family members, friends, members of your faith community, and paid help... should be found to give you more support in caring for your difficult parent. She will probably never change, but that should not deprive you of having a life outside of caring for her.

Find enough help to give you at least 2 days off from caring. Use that time to do what you need: shopping, your own health care, hobbies, and time with friends. When mom throws up the "I'm so sick and I need you" card (and she will), remind her that ______ is competent to care for her. ________ should be able to assess if mom needs to see her doctor or go to an urgent care clinic.

I would also suggest that you talk to your mom's primary health care provider about a psych consult. A psychiatrist may be able to discern if mom has depression or another psychiatric diagnosis. Many mental health issues can be treated with medication and therapy. It might calm your mom's difficult behavior down enough to make your time with her more enjoyable.

Hello, first of all, been there. What you have to look at is the loved one’s desire to control you. That may be what is happening. You may be better off not mentioning you have plans until the last minute or call once you leave. That way the manipulation cannot happen. However, be aware that not all symptoms are consciously controlled. There may be a physical manifestation of emotional response in your loved one. My mother does better when I call once for example at work and tell her I want to stop by somewhere or do something which will run me late, so i will see her around... time. Or when I am out of town(rare) I tell her once ahead of time and arrange someone to be with her(a temp agency) or have a friend check on her( which did not last long due to her demeanor). Either way, I have lost out in many fun times because of my mother and it has taken a long time to develop the thick skin to withstand the side looks and comments from people that can not possibly understand. I make sure she is safe and enjoy the time it takes to take care of me. I do not have siblings, so it is her and me. I finally had to find an assisted living facility, become one of her scheduled care givers, and still have to go everyday... if I skip a day, she may pout, be grumpy to care givers,etc, but blessedly does not remember the next day I was not there the previous day. You will find a balance. Just keep walking the rocky path, up hills, through smooth and rough spots. Your mother is probably fearful of being with someone she cannot control, does not know, and is dependent on you. This does not mean you cannot take time for yourself..and retrain her expectations. Do not feel guilty for wanting a life, but respect your obligation to family. Best wishes!

You should go out for the day and have some fun. Her doctor said she was ok.

Dear "BurntCaregiver,"

I agree with what all the others have been saying. As soon as I read your situation, "narcissist" hit me right between the eyes and like "Dianed58" suggested, you need to do some research on the traits of a narcissist.

Lack of empathy is one of the biggest and when you mentioned whenever you were sick as a kid, no less, she was resentful and had very little compassion especially when you needed care or needed to see the doctor. A narcissist does not want to take care of someone who is sick. You were taking away her "me, me, me" time. My question to you is - you say she is a hypochondriac. Does she go to the doctor every time she says something is wrong? If she does, does the doctor say "yes, she has x,y,z" for most everything or does the doctor more often than not say he can't find anything to substantiate her so-called illnesses? If it's the latter, that my dear is pure manipulation. She knows you like a book - you are her puppet. Sadly, you have lost your very life and personhood to that fact. And yes, it is a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation in other words a no-win situation for you. She wins all the time and that's part of the narcissistic "game." They must control, win, manipulate to get everything they want - it's their "agenda" at all times. Are you the only one that can be her caregiver? Can she go into an Independent or Assisted Living Community?

Also, when you said she's been actively dying since you were a kid - oh my, so so many red flags here. I do agree with you about not knowing what is a true medical need or just a fictitious illness just to get attention - that proves to me she has honed her skill with great expertise. You have been taken advantage of you whole life and I suspect you are a kind, caring person - those are the types they love to seek out as their target. They always have a primary target but, along life's highway they have many, many of them.

The other red flag was she wants to rob you of any joy - things you look forward to. These people seek to destroy - they don't want you to be happy, successful, have fun, be independent, have a mind or thoughts of your own. Their goal is to make you non-functional if possible, to wear you down and keep you there so you will be dependent on them for your own life. I'm sorry to say she doesn't have health issues, she has mental issues. We only have one life to live and it goes by very quickly the older we get. How much more of your life are you willing to lose? Please don't think I'm being hard on you - I feel extremely bad for what you have been going through as well as continuing to go through. I just want you to really "see" what is going on because you can't change what you're doing or not doing if you don't see it for what it is.

You can go to the Mayo Clinic's website and look up their information on narcissism and for other doctor-type resources on you tube, Dr. Les Carter (Surviving Narcissism) who has a 40-year background working with narcissists as a Psychotherapist is a great place to start as well as Dr. Ramani Durvasula. I have so, so many others I've been watching since 2016 but I thought the ones who were doctors would be a better place for you to begin.

I sure hope you can find a way to handle this very complicated as well as high-drama situation with your mother. You will be in my thoughts and prayers - that God will open your eyes and give you wisdom to know what needs to be done. I hope you will give us an update!

Just one more thing - if they truly are diagnosed with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder, they can't, won't and don't want to change as they don't think there is anything wrong with them. They are so cunning, they often fool professional therapists. What is actually needed is a therapist who is well-trained in narcissistic abuse and even a few can slip by them if they are really good.

You should stop telling your Mom about your plans ahead of time. Arrange to have someone to keep her company while you are out. Maybe someone in the medical field who can really assess her complaints. You are going to get burnt out and resentful of her and the situation and that can have serious health consequences for you or worse. There's a reason why people are told to put their oxygen mask on 1st. Reassure her that you love her. She maybe scared or she maybe selfish either way you're 1st priority needs to be you. Good luck!

Above advice is all good. The ol' "put your oxygen mask on first" advice applies here. If you don't take care of yourself, you will be no good to mom.

Ask yourself what would you do with day or a week without caregiving duties. Arrange some planned respite - for a day or a week. Then go through with it.

Also educate yourself on "narcissistic mothers". There are some great YouTube videos.

Get your time off. Put her in respite care. Things should be more clear for you when you return.

What she does is working for her. You make plans and she makes plans to keep you home. Don't tell her next time when you decide to go somewhere. Arrange for someone to be there ahead of time.

Allow yourself enough time to get ready, let's say an hour, and tell her at that time. Hey, so and so called and invited me to go to XX with them. I called (caregiver) and she agreed to come and stay with you for the afternoon. Then leave the room get ready, and go.

Evidently you've been around her long enough to know what is a hypochondriac episode and what is a real illness. Make your decision based on that.

Why are you allowing her to control your life now? Maybe Advice her to read side effects of her medications and and ask her if symptoms started with when she started each new medication. It sounds loke she needs something to do like maybe join a senior group on google, email on nice shiny new smart phone with a class instruction at the cell phone store.

If she is seeing her doctors and they are managing her health issues does she NEED a caregiver? (NEEDS and WANTS are 2 different things)
If she can manage on her own maybe looking into an Assisted Living or Group Home might be good for her. She would have others that would be there to support her during her "crisis" times.
If AL or a Group Home would not work out then I suggest that you hire a Caregiver that will come in 2 or 3 times a week and during those times you can plan on going out. If some "event" comes up the caregiver can handle it.
this gives you a MUCH needed break.

You know, growing up with a very mentally unstable and difficult mother, the ONLY thing I EVER wanted in my life was to get OUT of her house, and to never, ever have her come live in MY house. Once was more than enough.

I think you need to re-visit why you feel the need to have your mother live in your home, and why you feel you have no other choice in the matter. There are ALWAYS choices in life, just as Geaton so eloquently stated in her wonderful comment to you.

Ask yourself why your mother's happiness is more important than yours? Why is her life more valuable than yours? Because that is how you are treating this situation; as if SHE has more value than YOU. As human beings, both of you have equal value, yet you are sacrificing your entire life for her. And she's manipulating the hell out of you in the process, not really being sick at all, just creating drama for the fun of it, at YOUR expense.

Fix the situation before YOU wind up with a REAL illness as a result of HER toxic behavior. Look into Assisted Living or Independent Living apartments for her. You've done enough; you can't do any more or else the rest of your life will be ruined while she lives to be 100. That's what women like this DO: they live to be 100 while we wither away and dry up like prunes. Because they suck the life and the joy right out of us, leaving nothing but a shell. Who wants that? Nobody. Who deserves that? Nobody. Certainly not you!

Don't feel the need to martyr yourself for someone who's manipulating you. She can easily and comfortably live elsewhere and you can still have limited contact with her, on YOUR terms. An Assisted Living Facility can now deal with her 'chronic illnesses', which they are experts at doing.

Best of luck! I know how hard all this truly IS.

BurntCaregiver, I think the very first thing you need to deal with is your co-dependency with her. Your profile states, "I have always been employed as a homecare caregiver and am also one to my aging parent (not by my choice). It is exhausting and miserable much of the time. I can only compare caring for a naturally negative person who gets worse with age to a dementor from one of the Harry Potter movies..."

Not by your own choice?

Yes, it is your choice. You may be choosing to avoid conflict with her by doing what she wants rather than what you know is the alternative: her "beaching" at you and guilting you non-stop for not doing her bidding. Or you are knuckling under to pressure from other family members to be her caregiver. It doesn't matter what they want or what she wants. Your mom is not a hypochondriac, she's a manipulator (based on the info you yourself provided). And so is anyone else pressuring you to do this miserable thing for a miserable person. FYI you are not responsible for her happiness. She is.

What you need are boundaries to protect yourself -- because it is apparent that she and others do not care how this indentured service is affecting you. So...what you do depends on what you are willing to risk. Demanding your life back (if you ever had one in the first place) may mean that other "players" in this drama will be made very unhappy because you made their lives less convenient. Can you live with that fall-out? Remember that it may only be a temporary reaction. You may be able to have your cake and eat it too if you erect boundaries that are clear and you are willing to defend them. It may help you quite a bit to talk to an objective therapist to know where to begin.

You may want to consider moving out or having your mother pay for another in-home agency caregiver to give you a 3-day break or 4 hours every day to add some healthy separation. She can't manipulate you unless you allow it. You can't be forced to provide her care. You are the captain of your own destiny. Don't let others steer your ship...they won't care if it crashes on the rocks and rots. Being strong will force them to respect you, and that's what you really need. I sincerely wish you all the best as you sort through what will really be the healthiest choices for your best life lived the way YOU want it!