My mother has several health issues, dealing with circulation, diabetes, etc. The result is, she has a lot of difficulty doing everyday tasks. My siblings and I have been helping from a distance, but her issues have worsened. We feel that the best course of action is to move both of our parents into a home with my siblings and myself. We will all work, except my mother, so money shouldn't be an issue. We all understand that it will be hard work, but we'll be together, and we're good at coming together and solving problems as a family.
The biggest issue actually comes from outside of my family. I've been with my girlfriend for about five years now. We originally met in the city here, attending the same college, but she moved for work, while I stayed here for a pretty good job. We've been long distance for two years now, and it is a really great relationship. We've always planned to move in together, and it's what we both want, but she's always been a little pushy about it, trying to set deadlines and always bringing it up. My mother's issues have recently worsened, which is why we are are all purchasing this house together.
It's safe to say that this is worst shape our relationship has been in. She says she understands that I want to help my mother and spend time with her, but her actions speak different. Instead of being supportive she is always asking for timelines that I can't give, or trying to come up with "solutions" that benefit her, but won't work for our family (move somewhere with her, I could send my family money and visit, etc.)
I think her two biggest issues is that she's not my "priority" (I hate when she says that) and that there is no timeline I can give her, which leaves her "aimless". I really dislike when she boils all of this down to "picking my family over her" which is not true at all. I get that it's frustrating that I can't give her a solid timeline, but it's not like I'll know what my mother's condition will be like in the future. I've told her that if she gets better or stays the same, I'd be more open to moving, but obviously if she gets worse that's off the table.
I guess I'm just looking for some advice from a community like this, full of people that have been there, done that, so to speak. I just wish my girlfriend could be more understanding, and I really don't know where to go from here.
I have been there, as “the girlfriend”, and it sounds to me, from what you’ve written here, that “picking my family over her” may be a pretty accurate description of what you’re considering.
A committed relationship requires……well, you know, COMMITMENT. What you are describing sounds like all of you sacrificing to take care of someone who is at a relatively young age, accepting her family’s offer to assume her total care.
Many parents would reject your offer. How does your father feel about this whole arrangement? Does your mother make ANY ATTEMPT to manage/improve her health?
You don’t describe whether your mother tolerates her total dependence on her children, or actually enjoys it, and that clearly matters.
My husband of 45 years was the only son of a widow who relished her dependence. After we fell in love, we decided, together, that we were the couple, my MIL would never want for anything, and we would never live too far away from her OR TOO NEAR.
There are many MANY loving caring, generous, supportive ways of navigating your mother’s care besides the one your family has come up with. You’ve made your choice, and your girl friend is expressing hers.
Part friends, if you can.
You are picking your family over her.
Have you thought about moving your parents into assisted Living? they will get support form staff 24/7 and you and your siblings can support them as needed but you all will not be putting a hold on your lives.
You are going through this now with your mom and, my crystal ball is a little hazy but, I can see you continuing this as your dad declines and he needs more and more help. Are you willing to have your SO wait for 10, 15, 20 years while you care for mom then dad? (I bet she won't wait!)
I do hope the house that you plan on buying is one that is handicap accessible so that both mom and dad will be able to age into it think about the use of wheelchairs, hospital beds, Sit-to-Stand or Hoyer Lift equipment that may be needed. Wide halls, wider doors, no carpet and floors that can withstand a bit of water for a while. And if possible no stairs or at least a large bedroom and accessible bathroom on the first floor.
Oh, you mention in your profile that your mom is 42..if this is accurate you can look at caring for her for 30, 40 or more years.
If 42 is your age...you need to set your priorities and decide what you want..a family and life of your own or to remain with your parents.
Or is your primary goal in life to support your parents in their chosen lifestyle?
Is there a strong cultural component to this?
Your girlfirend is correct; if she were my daughter, I would tell her to part company with you. In marriage, the spouse and children MUST come first.
You and your siblings buying a house together so you can all take care of your mom has to be one of the craziest ideas I have ever heard. I'm guessing that none of your siblings have a life, that they're willing to move back in with mom to help care for her.
And I have to say, shame on your mom for even considering such a foolish idea. She should want her children to have their own lives separate from her, in what ever cities/states they choose to live.
YOUR MOTHER IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILTY!!!!!!! If she requires outside help, then it's up to her to hire some folks to come help her, or she can move into an assisted living facility. And if you children want to check on her a couple times a week, that's fine too. But living together all in the same house,---OH HELL NO!!!
You will never have a healthy relationship with a woman, when you put your mommy first. No woman in their right mind will ever tolerate that. So I guess it's up to you, if you want to live a lonely life with your mother, or want to actually live a fulfilling life with the woman you love, and want to start a family with. It's your choice.
Elderly caregiving can certainly interfere with relationships and it takes effort to have the relationship be its own entity without the elder care being The Topic all the time. Of course this can be done. The issue with long distance is, without timelines, after a couple of years it does start to feel aimless. The reason your girlfriend is pushing you is because she wants to be WITH YOU. Like you said, your family is good at coming together and solving things as a family, but (guessing ) from your girlfriend’s perspective she might feel like a total outsider to this family unit, and now she is being asked to wait for an undisclosed period of time for....what? She has no guarantees and already you’ve been together for 5 years.
You sound like a good person and I know your girlfriend sees that in you. Now is the time to make some decisions. If you go ahead with this plan, your girlfriend could leave as too much unknown waiting is being asked of her. There is also the possibility of you two staying together, making your own life, and helping your mother and family in other ways. But asking your gf to wait with no solid plans in place is asking her to be on hold for empty promises. Caregiving in particular gets more and more difficult and entrenched as time goes on. Relationships deserve better.
Wishing both of you the best...
Do your g/f a favor and tell her to move on with her life, that you're not ready to commit to her, that you're already committed to moving into a big house with your parents.
Which, by the way, is a huge mistake and something you're likely to regret for the rest of your life once you see what caregiving looks and feels like on a daily basis. And how it wreaks havoc on your entire life and forces it to grind to a halt entirely. But that may be precisely what you're looking for: the inability TO have a real relationship with another person. If so, you're all set.
You don't sound all that appealing yourself, using a name like "Drab Artichoke".
How many more years do you think you can fool her and yourself?
Are you joking when your profile says your mother is only 42?
BTW, your mother will always be the woman of the house, and it never works to move your gf/wife into the family home. Almost always.
I hope you can make viable plans for yourself.
Not for your girlfriend, not for your mother.
But yourself-growing up-leaving the nest-thriving.
P.S. You will get this advice only from the mother of a son.
Why shouldn’t she ask you for a time frame? Actually, she shouldn’t have to ask you. You should be willing to tell her. How would you feel if you were in her shoes? Would you be patient? Would you be wondering if you had problems with a commitment or prioritizing your life?
I don’t think that you are seriously interested in establishing a shared life with her. I have more concerns for her at this point than you. You are stringing her along. I hope she will find the strength to walk away and find someone who is ready to commit.
I hope you and your siblings are able to pull this ‘plan’ off successfully. I don’t think that you realize how badly it could turn out. Any number of issues could arise. In any case, I hope everything works out for the best for everyone.
In What Way is it not true that you are picking your family over her? I don't say you're wrong to choose your family, mind; not at all - you have the good fortune to have a strong family and you stick together. There's nothing wrong with that. But how can you possibly be in any doubt about which is more important to you?
"Obviously" if your mother gets worse than moving with your girlfriend is off the table. Well, fine. Lucky mother. And where exactly does that leave girlfriend?
You and girlfriend have such radically opposing priorities that your relationship does not have an earthly chance. If you were to compromise you'd resent her. If you won't, then as I said the girl would have to be insane to expect any different from you.
Seriously, put this poor outlived relationship out of its misery. You each need someone completely different from what the other actually is.
Do your parents not have their own home? What is your father doing - working - home caring for your mother? Is your mother's condition such that she can't be left alone? How many siblings are there? And I'm sorry - but what is "age-related decline" in a 42 YO? (I realize 42 may be considered old to you, but she is middle aged - nobody aged 42 should have age-related decline - sorry this sounds harsh - its not meant to be harsh - but she is 42 YO).
As far as living with your GF - were you to move where she is or was she going to move where you are? If she's moving to where you are then why move in - you could still participate in caregiving without actually living with your siblings and parents and have a life outside caregiving.
If you are set on the course you set out in your post then maybe you and your girlfriend need to part ways - it is really unfair to her to keep her hanging the way you are. Try seeing the situation from her point of view. While your intentions to care for your family is a good thing - its not so kind as to what you are doing to your girlfriend - I realize you probably don't see it that way, but just take a moment. Does your family know what you and your girlfriend had planned - have you discussed this aspect with them? Do your parents support your decision to sacrifice your life to take care of them over life with your girlfriend?
Think hard before your commit yourself.
I really don't think you all should live together. I was away from home for five years, married. When the marriage broke up I had to go home until I got back on my feet. I had a 1yr old daughter. Two brothers lived home still. It just didn't work. I was out on my own a year later. You all think this is going to work, it may not. You are all adults who have lived separately.
If this is the woman you plan on being with the rest of your life, then she needs to be your priority and this arrangement should have been discussed with her. Her thoughts considered.
I don’t see where you mention her age or yours (though I see comments on it). If mom has a terminal illness or long term needs etc.
I think that as family - all really coming together to find what would be best for mom going forward (as well as everyone else in the family) is a beautiful thing.
I just think more info on her diagnosis or what her doctors are saying etc will allow others here to really be able to help with positive ways to help and support your mom, you and your family and receive better guidance. In the end that’s why we all came here - to support each other 🌷.
Can you give us a little more info - wishing you the best
Either you want a life with her or you don't.
She's been a lot more patient than I would have been. Man up and break up (kindly) with her if she can't bring herself to do it. She deserves better.