How to help DH to navigate the system with his mother? And get him on board with her care?

Welp--it has begun. DH's mom has begun to fail and pretty epically, too. She is 89(?) maybe 90..anyway, has lived independently at home to this point. She drives but only to the store and to her hairdresser and her PCP.

She's begun to have a lot of falls. Mostly, a dizzy spell sets in and down she goes. She's not fessing up to it, but she has a 'fall pendant' and they register each fall or tumble. She's has lived in utter terror her sons would 'throw her in a nasty nursing home'...but early last weekend, she got really sick and saw her PCP, who was sending her from heck to breakfast to get tests and stuff done, fully realizing she was driving herself...I'd like to shake this idiot dr! Anyway, she did get one blood test done and realized she couldn't do it alone, so called her daughter. Gonna call her J for ease. J takes one look at MIL and hauls her to the ER, and they admitted her immediately. She spent 4 days in the hospital, with a UTI and pneumonia. The UTI is cleared up but she cannot bring her O-sats out of the low 70's w/o oxygen. She's still falling when she tries to get up. They moved her to a NH near J's house. Can't figure out what's wrong with her and she's being OK about being in the NH for now, but we all know she wants to go to J's to live. J has a daughter and 2 grands already living with her and a useless lunk of a DH.

All this happened last week when DH was out of town and he didn't bother to tell me. I can't DO anything--with the chemo txes I'm doing, I cannot be around sick people--and anyway, my MIL hates me profoundly.

DH came home from a 16 day business trip and slept for 30 hours. THEN when he wakes up he tells me about his mother. I suggested he go visit her and he did, but put it off for hours...he just doesn't deal with this.

I went to bed, and we didn't talk about it until last night--he should have run out to see her, or minimally, call her, but chose to do neither.

This is totally unfair to J. He is more than happy to dump ALL the things on her, and has in the past, so why upset the cart? HE is MIL's POA and I think she may have a cog eval while in the NH and she will not pass it. Then he has to step in and he....won't.

What kind of language can I use to help him to see that he needs to be a grown up now and deal with this. I don't think she is actively dying, but she probably can't live alone and she's been adamant about staying home. he'd be totally content to let J handle all things and he sort of shows up now and then when guilt eats him up. He NEEDS to help his sister, if he can't stand his mom (few people can, she's very, very difficult) then he at least needs to be of help to J.

Right now, J is trying to navigate Medicare. They won't pay for in home oxygen for pneumonia, she said, and I told her to find an advocate in the NH to help her.

Even tho MIL openly hates me, and has said it repeatedly, I do not hate her and I feel so bad for her. The one thing she hated is happening.

I did reach out to J and told her I'd bring in a couple of meals to them this week and she can freeze or eat them, whatever. It's really all I can do.

I have another chemo tx next Thurs, and DH said "This is just not a good time for that"...if I had been siting next to him I would have popped him one. I said "I DO NOT need you to help me AT ALL. Live your life and I'll work on saving mine, OK?" I know he is just frustrated, but he doesn't have a choice here, as POA there are things he HAS to know and do.

Personally, I don't see MIL ever going back home. And he needs to be an integral part if MIL's care and not dump it on J. Legally, he can't! HIS name is on the checkbook!

Sorry--kind a rant/vent, but mostly just so frustrated with him--memories of his dad's EOL and me stepping up into his 24/7 care is still very fresh in my mind and I'm 15 years older and have cancer myself.