How to help elderly parent from afar?

Maybe approaching him as the person “in control” making it clear that you know he’s the one most versed with moms health and care so you will defer to his “expertise”. Maybe tell him that you have been doing some research because you really want to be as much help as you can, you have a need to “do” something. Here is what you have found and you are happy to do all of the leg work you can from afar to lighten his load if he thinks any of these things are worth looking into… Maybe tell him you read or talked to someone who is a sibling that lives further away and they have found a great balance to take some of the work off the local siblings plate by doing…because it can all be done on line or over the phone. Never make decisions without your brother, let him make the decisions you just do the work, until he starts to feel comfortable with you being more involved.

I think this can often be a two fold issue, he feels threatened by the idea of you getting involved or just having good ideas because it might minimize his value or he feels threatened because he knows he’s underwater, not sure his decisions are right (we all second guess ourselves) and doesn’t want to get in trouble or be criticized. So even if he is making mistakes or what you consider to be mistakes don’t criticize, bite your tongue. The other problem here is likely that his personal feeling of value is tied to caring for your mom, maybe even being the martyr as you say, he has lost his self worth outside of caregiving and it will be an even bigger problem for him in the long term. He could of course be all about the money control but this relationship sounds more entangled than that.

Its easy to get lost in the day to day quagmire of caregiving and with the added issue of cancer not only is it terrifying but it’s so consuming he may simply not have the bandwidth to think about more even though it could help him a lot. It’s too bad you can’t make a visit now but again since you can’t try to keep in mind where his head is, even if it’s unnecessary and not good, try to put yourself in his shoes not what you would do in his shoes but in his shoes and then figure out how to approach him to offer help. I sure hope he accepts it. Sounds like he does hold all the cards and probably should hold most of them, he just doesn’t play cards well. Hopefully he can take you on as a teammate.

This is so hard. Circumstances for each person are so unique.

Does she live with your brother or her with him? Or their own homes?

I think that your visit will be great - this is where you can get to see your moms needs as well as your brothers needs. You could ask ahead of time - “Hey what can I research ahead of time” are there any care companies/facilities that you can call now and set up to meet some when You come in and you can even help them get to know mom - her needs - even just spending time getting them to know her personality - her favorite foods - games/activities - getting them comfortable with her home and what her daily routine looks like and where stuff is etc - (training people is so hard when you have limited time - training people for me is like taking on an additional job when I’m already so tired). Tell him you would welcome if he wanted you to “speak with drs together” and set up a conference calls together when You come and your sitting together.

Research any local community support services and meet with them when you come - and even gather people he can reach out to and put a list together before you leave (it also gets you comfortable with who you could contact for him when you back home). Even if you don’t think he will accept the help - have it ready for when you get there as things change and he may be more open to it once you there to help it get started. When my sister would offer help (she made a phone call )and yet never schedule time to help with what all that additional stuff meant to our already packed life - I really need her to be here to help organize it. I had drs appts. Nursing - 3 therapies coming in - a private PT - buying accessible vehicles - doing all the care - all meals including all the shopping - bills - supplies - packed and sold moms property - laundry - I literally couldn’t stop to take one more thing on. I would have loved to have help from a care company in the beginning - but I needed her to be here to either help train the care or take on a few of the other things so I had the time to hire and train the care.

Just really be with mom and you make notes for yourself of things you can send her or even him. Local meal deliveries are always good to check out. It could be a company to come clean the home - etc

I could list 100 plus plus thing to do to help my mom or myself (but they are unique to my to moms needs - my mom is full care with stroke recovery added in and therapies etc).
Again I’m not sure if they live together or how high her needs are now or how much her needs are going to change with cancer/treatments etc. so any local resources that you may be able to organize and did all the research ahead of time may help more when you get there and see their needs a little better. He may be more open to utilize these resources.

Best wishes - and it’s hard - but try to force him out and make him do something for himself while you are there - it may seem like we don’t want help but sometimes we just need people “in person” to see our needs and don’t have time to stop to explain them - wishing you and your brother a way to come together once your there and find the best way for mom/him to receive help.

If your brother is doing all the work, the best way you can help may be to do things for him. Treats for him, even cards just for him, will let you prop him up when you can’t be there. You may wish that he was doing things differently and accepting outside help, but right now he is carrying the burden. Supporting him may be a really useful thing to do. It may also reduce his ‘martyr’ feeling!

Is mom complaining to you or asking for intervention? do you feel she isn’t getting appropriate care at this point?

Lisabell
Many times the sibling who is the caregiver (brother) is lost in the maze and truly can’t appreciate an outsider coming in on the white charger (you) to tell them what they are doing wrong.
Please spend a few days absorbing the situation before trying to “fix”it. This will both comfort the brother that he doesn’t have to defend himself and his caregiving and give you an opportunity to see what is truly going on. It’s very hard to know through phone calls or texts/emails until you see things in person. Try very hard NOT to be the fixer but be the loving daughter and sister. Sometimes the caregiver has good reason to be uncomfortable with outside help. Try to understand his point of view. Since you know you are there for only a week realize that your influence is minimal. Many folks on this forum wish so much for a caring sibling but truly resent someone interfering who could not possibly understand the reality of their daily life. It’s a difficult position for all concerned.
Is anyone the DPOA? Are you prepared to take on mother’s care? If not, tread lightly.