How to help person in nursing home with dementia who just lost her husband of 70+ years during COVID19 visitation prohibition?

Sadly, with dementia, she isn't going to remember from day to day what she did the day before, and sadly, she will be told the awful news that her husband has died every day and it will seem new.

I truly do not know how to talk to her--obviously you aren't seeing her either, since the lockdown. You can talk to her on the phone or SKYPE (VERY difficult wiht someone with dementia!!) and just try to shift the converstion to other people, things she is interested in. She may want to dwell on the fact her DH has passed or she may just assume he has gone someplace else.

Does the NH have someone she can talk to? I am not skilled at 'dementia talk'.
Every older person I know is lonely during this time. I'M lonely and I'm home with DH, who is now treating this shutdown as some kind of sleep-cation. He never got out of bed the last 2 days. Says this is what retirement is going to be for him.

A person with dementia--someone said it can be like that movie "Groundhog Day' where the day is the same over and over and over.....if you repeat a GOOD day, that would be OK.

How are you related to this woman?

MidKid suggested Skype. I think seeing her face and having her see your face and hear you voice would be helpful for you both. Ask the nursing home if they can facilitate a Zoom or Skype call on a regular basis. If you do not have Zoom, you can download a free version to your computer or phone, which would probably suffice. They also have a $15/month version.
I am so sorry. I feel for you both. This is such a hard time.

No 'cure' for our current virus is worth the pain being inflicted on this woman. She deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. Protocols CAN be put in place for the safety of others while this woman's needs are met.

There is nothing to do but leave her there or bring her home. You can not blame the facility given one case can kill dozens in that setting. It would be irresponsible to let people in. My mother had mild dementia, got a UTI a couple weeks after lockdown. After the hospital and rehab we brought her home to die as her dementia spiraled into severe in 2 weeks( happened to my stepfather as well, long before Covid, , that’s how dementia goes) She died yesterday but she wasn’t alone and saw all her family.

Any change in routine effects someone with dementia, you need to be realistic about what you can and can not fix. You can get medication for anxiety which helped my mother tremendously but isn’t a cure obviously.

The reality is basically as to cost, one week with 24/7 care equaled one month in her facility. My mother could afford it, most can’t . You need to be realistic about your ability to care for her without help or you are placing her in another unsafe environment . Can you get some care in exchange for what You are paying for her facility now? In my area it’s $23 an hour for an aide , not a nurse.

Try "window visits": mom near a downstairs window, family on other side of window, and talking to each other on a phone. They can talk and see each other.

I don't get the impression that this person is a child of the woman. Unless she is talking in the 3rd person.

Even if we didn't have the current problem, this woman would still be lonely and want to go home. My Aunt had ALZ. My Mom went to visit her at the AL she was in. They had a nice visit and as she walked out my other Aunt #2 (other Aunts sister) was coming in. Aunt #2 called my Mom later and told her she had asked #1 how her visit with Mom was and Aunt #1 told her Mom hadn't been there. So what I am saying is home is not necessarily the last one she lived in. Could be her childhood home. Being lonely...they are always lonely because they don't remember having visitors. Her husband dying, she will forget being told he died and its not fair to remind her. If she asks where he is, hecstepped out and will be back. They sent him for a test. Little white lies. Family being there will not change how she reacts to things. Taking her home will not help her in her grief.

I have a 70 yr old friend in a NH right now. She has her mind and is quarentined to a room with another person. Gets her meals in the room. Its sad but the staff can not cater to one person. They have extra duties. Trying to keep Dementia patients in their rooms all day.

I feel for everyone who has a relative in a facility right now. But the administration can't do for one without doing for all. They are trying to protect their residents.

This is such a terrible situation to be in. I feel for you and the family. And of course her – how awful to have to learn (and to have to tell her) that tragic news over and over again. Perhaps you might recognize from her tone, or how the start of conversations go, whether a certain day is going to be one of the days that is aware, and other days when she has forgotten. (For this reason, the conversations should be first thing in the morning, if possible?)

Perhaps the facility staff can help you before each phone call as to the state of her mind each day. If she’s having a relatively cognizant day, then you discuss what really happened. Perhaps on the days she has forgotten, there’s no need to traumatize her, and since she will forget what you have said anyway, maybe you could just make up a story. He is sick and seeing the doctor. He has gone to visit a relative. He is running errands? If her dementia is progressing enough, maybe saying he is at work would suffice on certain days? With my mom, on the days that she is particularly confused, her memory is a little back in time anyway and the “at work” story might suffice.

It seems it would be more kind to tell her some white lie like that on those days that she is so foggy that she doesn’t even remember that her husband died. Maybe on those days, there’s no need for the pain—for her or the family.

I hope that you have the resources of kind and compassionate staff at the facility that can help (especially first thing each morning), and you can make sure that everyone’s on the same page as to what and how to tell her.

Depending on the security level of the facility she’s in, if she is wanting to go look for him on certain days, you might look into some of the various options that can track her or at least identify her if she wanders. I would agree with the other comments that bringing her home isn’t necessarily the answer right now. Her home environment likely has far less security and resources.

I am sorry to be blunt but there is nothing you can do with the current state of affairs. It is heartbreaking but lives are at stake. If this woman is in a nursing home with dementia, nothing you explain will sink in and she will be more confused. The only "kind" thing I can suggest is that he is taking a walk or doing something, he'll be back soon, or he went to visit, etc. They simply will not understand and then as quickly as possible, change the subject. As to taking her home, tell her you are preparing the room or house and again change the subject. Given the times, there is nothing anyone can do - except cry and pray.

I'll be blunt.I'm not 100% happy with the care my Mom got at her 'good' ALF.I had to put her there due similar symptoms you mentioned and stumbling and falling.She had told me in the past she wished to die at home.I could pay for home aides for a few years but they are not allowed to assist or pick an elder off the floor.Per The State and company rules they must call 911 for an ambulance.My Mom was 95 but I was worried she would outlive me,her son 61.She was falling about once a week the last few weeks when I felt she would be better off overall in the ALF.She entered on end Feb 2020.She died April 18.I had no real contact with her since I visited March 3rd when no visitations started a few days later on March 5.She too longed for my father dead 20+ years now.They were high school sweethearts and waited to get married when/if he returned from WW2.A couple of times I visited she thought I was my father or saw him in other elder men in the sitting room.A cel pic from an aide showed her looking as good as I saw her March 3.I was relying on that aide for updates and communication as Mom was a bit hard of hearing and we often struggled to talk on the phone.After about ten days of April-no contact.I emailed the aide and decided to wait another few days for a reply-I did not want to be too pushy given the circumstances.April 17 in the afternoon a call Mom is bleeding a bit and their Doctor is monitoring it.No report of any problem other than a fall a few days earlier.Later on April 17 around 10pm a call they sent her to Emergency.That doctor says she has a high white count,needed fluids and barely responsive.Saturday April 18 I tried to get some update but no responce until a call around 10pm that she died,the virus a factor.Her death certificate says she died around 9:20pm.I suspect she was placed to the side Friday night to wait to die as she was not placed in a room.She obviously got the virus from the ALF staff though of course not intentionally but it got to her.Had I kept her at home she would not have gotten the virus as I am only out to shop once every 2 weeks early in the day and live in a coastal community with at least some separation available. However, I would still have the trouble I stated at first and struggled with.My Mom relied on me and I had what I thought little choice for her overall best interest.I relied on the ALF that exposed her and I believe helped her death along earlier than later.Point I am getting to is my gut told me I should have kept her home and should have had an aide willing to call me if she fell to get help to pick her up.Her falls were not good but were not life threatening either.As you probably know it is very difficult to get proper care at home and close to twice the daily cost of an ALF.Hopefully the facility she is in now have aides using total PPE and get verification on how aides are checked each work day for the virus.Unless they are making aides enter as if working in a bio hazard lab then your loved one may get exposed to the virus.Unless you and those that come in contact with you are very sure of no contamination exposure then unfortunately you'll have to rely on her nursing home.Damned if you do or don't.Too late for my Mom and I will always have some regret.I did,however,expect to get a call from the ALF that she had passed.I only hoped it would be with some resent physical contact with her.Do what you can to a least make verbal contact and or visual via new technology like cellphone and computer visual chat applications.Communicate at least weekly or more if you can.The last advise to anyone reading.I will bury my Mom from a distance at Calverton National Cemetery April 27.I guess if there is 'blame' it is on ALF for more extreme safety procedures immediately upon news of viral infection spreading in the country not just the state.Our federal gov leaders also cancelled programs to help do that so we need those back.I hope for better for elders going forward by laws and homes

A friend recently asked her Facebook friends to honor her 94 year old father by sending him friendly notes. He Lives in an assisted living facility but was quarantined and mostly confined to his room. She couldn't visit him and he was very lonely. She reported later that the many notes he received really cheered him up. Maybe, even though she may not remember or even know the people who write her, the cheerful cards and friendly words would brighten her days. FaceTime and Skype are also good ways for friends and family to share thoughts and memories and to spread cheer.

There may be nothing that you can do. Prayers sent to you for this "person in nursing home with dementia."