My father lost his wife 2 years ago and has not been the same since. He has lost his will to live. He barely eats, he drinks wine all day, he sits in his chair and won't move except to use the bathroom or to fill his wine. He watches the news non-stop. He is so very depressed and he says so all the time. He tells me that he can't go on without her. I think the heavy drinking and not eating is his way of trying to end his life.
When he has had too much he stumbles and gets angry when I try to help him. He says "I am not a cripple, I can do it on my own". He gets angry when I try to slow him down on his drinking or when I try to get him to eat. He has lost all life inside of himself.
I want to get help to try to force him to get better. I am scared because I know he will be angry and he will want me to go away. His doctor says there is not a whole lot she can do until he harms himself or injures himself. I have all the legal documents in hand to take over his care. But is that the right thing to do?
Even if I do take over his care, I still cannot force him to see his doctor or eat, stop drinking, etc. Is there anything one can do to make them want to live again? I am struggling with this, I don't want to watch him kill himself but I know he is going to do it no matter what happens. How does one cope with that?
How far away from your father do you live?
Let your Dad make his own decisions for now.
You should not make him do anything.
It won't do any good to fuss at him about drinking as he will do it anyway and it just makes him mad and possibly even drink more.
You just need to be there for him and try to get him out of the house.
Invite him to go out to lunch with you, invite him to go to the park, beach, zoo or to a movie.
If he has a couple friends, you could arrange for a poker night once a week.
Imvite him to Church, maybe they have a Senior Group that meets.
Maybe you could go with him to a meeting for Adults that have lost their spouse, where he might meet someone going through the same thing he's going through.
The point is, he needs to have things to do in his life to help occupy his mind.
See if he'll work on a puzzle with you, Buy a large Paint by number for him to paint.
Buy a model car or plane for him to build.
See where the closest place for Seniors to meet where they have things for them to do, games, cards, puzzles, ect and they have lunch together.
He needs something to occupy his mind to help him to see that Life can go on.
Prayers
I'm not suggesting your Father get out there online dating (some are lonely & do..). Some people partner for life once & once only. No, I mean sometimes somehow when the waves of grief subside a bit, he may rejoin life.
Profile says he is 75? Young enough to do loads of things if his health is ok! Go fishing with a mate, lawn bowls, join a men's shed - whatever he's into.
Is his drinking new? Since being alone? Or always been there? Maybe it's time for him to own his depression, take it on, take some antidepressants & try some talk therapy.
Group support like grief councelling is not for everyone, maybe 1:1 may work for him?
Yes it's their pity party, but it is only 2 years ago that he lost his love.
My dad kept his Air Force diary. So one day I read his journal to him and we discussed his life then. It was interesting and he did not feel sorry for himself, at the moment. Then we found all the cards mom sent him and read those. We reminisce about her as a young lady. Maybe if you asked him questions about his youth, things he did with his wife, etc he would feel closer to the memories. I don't know I tried everything!! Dad would say "I pray that the man upstairs take me tonight" I'd say you know mom doesn't want you up There yet!! Then we would talk about what a pain in the a## mom was and laugh. If course he would say she was my pain in the A##.
He is 99, mom passed 4 years ago. So one day I said, well I understand how you feel so let's get all our ducks in a row!! Let's prepay your funeral, you can pick out your clothes, and what you want at your funeral. Let's call the priest to give you your last rights, etc. He said absolutely NoT!! Now he doesn't mention as much, but when he does I give him that look!! And we laugh.
He complains no one calls him, I remind him that none of your great grandchildren want to hear that you want to die.
Don't know if that will help.
Have you actually sat the two of you down and had a heart to heart discussion on how he feels and what he wants. Does he want help, does he want to feel better, does he seriously want to be dead, is he willing to help himself, does he know how his current behaviour is affecting his health?
Lots of questions - which as an adult with mental capability he is entitled to answer even if the answers are hurtful to you. If you have the conversation and he chooses to carry on in a way you don't want to see, you may have to restrict your visiting for your own health.
You can do nothing for your father until he wants to do it for himself. He may have to hit bottom and be out of it before you can step in. Like found passed out and taken to the hospital. Even then, once released he can go right back to drinking his wine. As long as he is not a danger to himself or others, not much anyone can do. You can not force someone to get help. The help does no good if they don't want it.
I would say, go home. Be with your family. There is nothing you can do for your Dad.
One strategy is to try to get him in for a medical exam and use a therapeutic fib to get him there ("Medicare now requires an annual physical in order to continue to receive the benefit"). Once there have his assign you as his Medical Representative (ask for this form at the check-in desk). Having this designation allows his doctor to discuss all his medical issues and decisions with you without him needing to be present. Bring your PoA paperwork to get it into their files. Go with a pre-written note that you secretly hand to the staff saying who you are, your concerns about your father's mental state and requesting a cognitive and memory test. I did this with my MIL and they staff was happy to do it -- they see it all the time. Wishing you success and peace in your heart no matter the outcome.
It is truly sad. He is grieving. He feels that his life is empty without his wife. I am sorry for his loss.
It has been two years. I understand that he will always love her but he isn’t progressing towards a better place. In fact, he has deteriorated and is going in a downward spiral. How far will he go? Who knows?
Do you think that he would be willing to speak with someone, a social worker, therapist, clergy? If not, what else can you do for him? I would say that you have been more than patient with him. You’re not a miracle worker. He needs professional support. He may need antidepressants in order to cope. Drinking isn’t the answer. Starvation isn’t either.
I think that I would tell him that you are willing to set up appointments for him. The rest is up to him. If he doesn’t want to cooperate, then at least you can have a clear conscience, that you offered what he truly needed, in order to proceed in his life.
I am so sorry that you are in this tragic situation. Tell him that you have a husband that you will be returning to, and that he can call you anytime, if he is willing to make positive changes in his life. Tell him that you are no longer willing to watch him self destruct.
Please don’t feel as if you have failed him in any way. You have done all that you possibly could and more.
Wishing you and your family all the best. Keep us posted. We care.
He's clearly suffering from grief and depression, but does he have any other major health issues?
You might either have to just let him wallow in his misery, or get tough on him and demand he get help. It's unlikely he'll drink himself to death with wine, so you might have to use some tough love and call him on his self-pity party.
You aren't required to enable this forever, nor do you have to sit by and watch it. Give him an ultimatum, then remove yourself from the situation and let him make his decision.
Try to sign him up for adult daycare. You might have to take him the first few times. After that, arrange for transportation so it doesn't require you to do one more thing. If he's mentally still alert, find one that has lots of activities. Is he a military vet? Can you get an UBER or caregiver to take him to the VFW every month?
Not to be cruel, but at his age, I would let him do pretty much what he wants.
Finally, join a support group. Maybe those people can help you get the parents together for "play dates" once a month.