My stepsister lives with my 80 year old father as his caretaker. However, she is fighting for her life, battling against cancer. My Dad is extremely high maintenance and she and her husband have to get up with him throughout the night. She won't call to try to find a night nurse or someone to even help during the day because she's afraid it will make him angry. How can we talk to my Dad, introduce a caretaker and get my stepsister a break. My Dad has alcohol-related dementia so he's not in his right mind. Thank you! We don't even know where to start to even find someone who would want to stay up with him all night.
You are so right, she needs to take care of herself or she won't be a caregiver to anyone.
You can fib and tell him it's a friend that needs a place to crash for a while.
She got a home health aide and introduced her as "the laundress". It was an old fashioned concept that her parents were able to wrap their heads around.
Then she got some additional hours and introduced that person as "the maid". And another as "the cook".
little at a time. Within a month she was full time with him. He really grew to like her quite a bit and always looked forward to her arrival. She made his final year of life one of the best years he could remember.
slow and easy. Back off and give him time to get used to her.
let me add...my Dad was a real SOB....very tough for anyone to be around. When I first started to find a caregiver for him, he fired 3 caregivers in a row and got one to leave mad...never did learn what he did to her to upset her so much. Another one quit after he had explosive diarrhea in her car (she was warned). Just take it slow.
As to dad - lie a bit & say her dr has ordered it for BOTH HER & dad as she recovers because he won't know any difference because he doesn't go to her appointments - first night have her 'use the service' so that dad hears [maybe at same time as him] in order to pad out the lie - thereafter IF he asks just say he was asleep when she used the help - this means that the help isn't just for him at least as far as he is concerned .... the term is 'theraputic lie' & if any circumstance calls for it this is one
She is lucky that you are so concerned - if you live close enough bring dinner over once a week to give some extra help for her
My Father, who has Parkinson’s, did not have Dementia at the time. He needed someone to give a shower. He had stopped taking them altogether. I gave him two options: me or a male friend. He took the male friend, end of story.
Same thing with an aide. When he threw a fit, he was told it was the aide or a Nursing Home, since he couldn’t take care of himself any longer. Now he’s fine with it all.
Your stepsister deserves to have all of her strength to fit her battle, she can’t do that if she’s up and down all night. Hire a night aide and let him get over it or let him start applying for assistance for a nursing home. She’s being held hostage, and she has too much at stake.
i started with the agingcare.com site that sent me Contact info for 4 agencies in my area to research. The aid that came for my mom also does an 11 pm -7 night shift for another patient. Good luck. The first step is the hardest. But I am already feeling a little better just getting started with the process.
If OP does not have POA already, the best she can do is assist her stepsister in either getting aides in (plenty of suggestions how to work this) and/or getting him set up for AL/MC (may need to apply for Medicaid if dad has no assets.) Whatever OP can do to reduce strain/stress on stepsister will be helpful.
Your (stepsister's) situation is a little different in that dad lives in the home with her. She could, as others suggested, come up with plausible reasons why this person is here - little white lies! Doctor's order, distant family relative(s) helping out, friend needing a place to stay, assistance for sister not dad - any number of "excuses" can be used.
I liked some of the responses, calling the person/people laundresses, maids, etc! If he buys those, go for it!