I guess this is more of a rant than a question but I moved in with my mom a year ago to take care of her after she had surgery. She lives in Kansas and I lived in Montana. This was SUPPOSED to be a temporary thing but even though she has fully recovered from her surgery, she has declined rapidly mentally since the surgery and there is no way she could live by herself now. My mom has always been a nasty woman, I'm sorry but there is just no other way to put it. That's part of the reason why I moved so far away to begin with. Now she accuses me of stealing from her, lying to her, (her favorite thing to call me is liar) and picks fights with me constantly. I moved over 1000 away from my kids and grandkids to care for her because she doesn't have anybody else. I am an only child and she doesn't have any friends because 1.) She won't leave the house. 2.) She's just not a pleasant person to be around and never has been. I am 59 years old and I am at my wits end with her!!!
She can accuse you of anything she wants to, but that will never make her commentary valid.
You must find a safe care setting for her and fund it by using her money, pay for round the clock help, or learn to ignore her.
You keep your cool by learning to ignore what she says or not being with her.
This is a good place to rant. Come back.
How to keep your cool isn’t the issue. The issue is why you let this happen and why you keep taking her abuse. It is time to go.
Do you have POA? If not, will she give it to you? Doubtful but worth a try? Call elder services and tell them you need to get back to your life and that you can not deal with her and what can they suggest? She needs to be placed somewhere.
That said, you moved to Kansas with good intentions to try to help the woman after her surgery, temporarily. You did just that. Now it's no longer working and you realize it's time to get OUT of Dodge and back to your kids and grandkids in Normalville once again. Go sit down with an Elder Care Atty in Kansas for advice and guidance, that's my suggestion. Kansas is not a filial state, so that's a good thing. See if the EC atty has advice about how to best get mom placed, given her refusal to leave the house. Ask him about POA etc., given that she's now showing signs of dementia *and providing you do not already have POA for her*. You need legal advice & an EC atty is the best one to give it to you. They are worth their weight in gold, advice wise, is what I've found.
Don't look at this as your 'failure' but as you did your best, it's not working b/c mom is nasty, and to save your sanity, you're leaving. You did a good job, you're a good daughter, and that's that. In the meantime, ignore mom's ranting & raving about you being a thief; that paranoia is part & parcel of dementia. Just try to divert her attention onto another subject or offer her a snack (don't lace it with arsenic though.....)
Wishing you the best of luck moving out and forward with your life now.