Hi.
My husband is almost 79, and he’s been in the hospital three times this year with congestive heart failure. He’s lucid and doesn’t have memory issues (he’s been screened for those and passed). But his attitude has been a problem for the past four years since he had a quadruple bypass in 2015.
He’s supposed to walk as much as he can. He has peripheral artery disease to and has had vascular surgery in his lower legs. He has a walker and he loathes it. I buy him “handsome” canes and he doesn’t use them. So he falls and I can’t lift him. Now he is about to be discharged from rehab and he says he’s going to make all these lifestyle changes but I have heard that before. He doesn’t seem to want to push through the actual work of turning things around. Before he left for the last hospital stay he sat around the house silently with his head bent down to his chest all the time. Once or twice I thought he was dead! He rarely bothered lifting his head. He wouldn’t go in the living room because he said it was too cold, but I’m always hot and it’s summer! I can’t remove my skin. He seemed to be withdrawing from life. I don’t remember the last time we slept together. He was sleeping upright in a living room chair (after I turned off the A/C, and the PT just told him she wants him sleeping in a bed with his legs above his heart, which he tried in the past but stopped because “it hurts.”
He really doesn’t listen to me when he’s home and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. We will have home care and in-home PT until he’s deemed ready for outpatient PT. I want to help him but my heart is so low right now.
I realize that lots of you are in tougher situations than this but this is starting to feel overwhelming.
I couple of months ago I booked a first class trip for us to Hawaii for October (we honeymooned there in 1988, and the first class bit is for ease of mobility and comfort rather than luxury - it’s a LONG flight from NJ to Maui, even though we are overnighting in San Francisco - and yes, I bought travel insurance.) I don’t want to cancel it just yet. I don’t know whether he sees that as a goal or just more pressure. He’s not very communicative.
Well, I’m babbling. Happy Independence Day to those who are celebrating and “thank you” to everyone.
my mom had CHF. It is extremely tiring. Could your husband go to an outpatient cardiac rehab? Ask his cardio. Getting out would do him good.
My mom had therapy three times a week in her home. She would not have made it without. Plus she had a good walk to her restroom. She did not have a HA though so your husband’s condition is probably worse than hers. Although she wasn’t diagnosed until her 90s.
About being cold. Try to make adjusts for him so he can get out of his room. Dress him warmer, maybe a space heater near his chair.
I would be very worried about taking him on such a long trip. But getting in better shape for it could really help him feel better and give you a realistic assessment of how well he could handle it. I think he has to accept that walker to make any real progress.
Happy 4th to you as well!
Alva, I agree that my husband is likely depressed though he will deny it, but I don’t think he wants to die just yet. At least I hope not. He’s been improving at the rehab and has me wheel him outside on nice days before he has PT and he has started doing more group activities (like movies) there. I do see a counselor for med maintenance and I am not exactly sure what I need to accept until it happens. But when the time comes I will see someone if I think it will help.
Sofia, I never thought about looking into antidepressants for my husband! There can be no harm in asking. I don’t know his cardiologist, but his PCP is first-rate. One thing he has is good doctors. I will go with him, so he doesn’t BS them about how “great” he’s doing. (He does that.) He’s on an array of drugs for his heart and lungs, but there might be something that might help.
97yroldmom, a space heater is a great idea! That way we can each have a bit of comfort. Ray is having physical therapy in our apartment for a while (I’m not sure how long, but I have already touched base with a PT that will come get him and bring him back). Yes, he has to get used to the walker. He belongs to a fraternal organization and some of his friends have canes. I’m not sure I’ve seen anyone with a walker. His less-close friends will rag him about the walker but to hell with them.
I will get my ducks in a row to be ready to cancel the trip if/when I need to. Maui was where we honeymooned and we’d never gone back. A few months ago, it seemed to make sense to book a trip NOW. He says he wants to go, but I don’t know if he’s being completely honest. I’ve been dependent on him for so much that I think he doesn’t think of himself anymore. I guess I was indulging in some magical thinking - if we’re going to Hawaii, it means that Ray has to be fine in a few months.
Ray was discharged from rehab two days ago. He’s lucid but low-energy. The nurse who came by yesterday said his lungs were clear. The private pay aide came 30 minutes early and stayed 45 minutes late because she didn’t have a ride. She must have answered 10 personal phone calls. While she did take my husband out for 15 minutes she pretty much sat around and talked about her family. I had no idea what to tell her to do except to practice with Ray using the tub transfer bench, which she did. I doubt she knows that I have lower back abnormalities from a car crash and I’ve have pain from standing and bending. But they are sending another aide tomorrow and hopefully she’ll be more proactive.
What’s seemed to work best with Ray? Today we had our gorgeous Brazilian cleaning lady here, and Ray perked up right away! She really is a lovely person. I’m thinking she might be better than the aide! I can help Ray shower (I did it today) and help him dress (he doesn’t seem to need too much help - he just goes slowly) and put the Aquaphor on his legs and feet.
What I can’t do is give him energy. I bought a bunch of fresh food to cook for him so he’s not all salted out. I feel as if I don’t know what I’m doing but I suppose I’ll learn. He told me he wanted Cheerios, blueberries and yogurt for breakfast tomorrow. I told him he knows where everything is and he said “okay.” I don’t know whether I should help him but I’m afraid of his becoming a bona fide invalid. I have no guidelines here. I have a psych appointment on 7/22. Ray has a raft of doctor’s appointments in July. Haven’t set up a psych evaluation. He’s totally lucid.
Home care is expensive everywhere, I guess. My mom paid an aide off the books to come in a couple of days a week after her insurance ran out. But they had a close relationship. And my mom was lucid and able to care for her personal needs for the most part.
Ray doesn’t need my help with most things these days - just moisturizing his legs and feet and wrapping his legs and feet in Ace bandages every day to stop blood from pooling in his feet. And he needs someone to be with him when he walks or does anything “risky.” He likes the aide and she is good with him, gets him out of the house, unless it’s too hot, and joshes with him. But we won’t be able to afford her for more than a few more weeks.
Thank you again. I have a psych appointment tomorrow, and I’ll talk to the doctor about my mood. I’m sick of watching TV and Twitter.
I would get some liquid b12 and give him some every morning.
Heart issues just mess with our entire system and cause depression. I think that finding natural resources to help build our bodies back up can help recovery. Like good protein helps us heal faster and as we age we need more protein to maintain our strength.
If the beautiful Brazilian housekeeper perks him up, tell him that he can sit on the beach and bikini watch if he will make the effort. Tell him you will give him a free pass for the trip and he can even drool if he wants at all the T&A.
I hope you find something that gets him moving.
Do you have a friend that can go to Hawaii with you if he chooses not to engage? You should go with or without him.
I love Hawaii, but I wouldn’t feel right leaving him behind. I can’t say I haven’t thought about it though.
I try to get Ray to eat protein. He loves eggs and dairy, and he likes meat too.
Lol, the housekeeper is gorgeous, but she’s a married gal who is quite religious. Still, it doesn’t hurt Ray to be surrounded by beautiful, attentive women!
I need to go to bed. The heat wave has made me sleepy. Goodnight and thank you.
I did find another elder law attorney. I have to wait until til August to see her, but from all I can tell, she seems to be a peach, and her office definitely does help clients with Medicaid planning.
I had my steroid SI joint injection on Tuesday and so far have good pain relief from it. Hallelujah!
That’s all, folks. I hope you are all well.