My 97-yr-old parent, on Medicaid, recently entered memory care and she, her belongings, and room were treated for bed bugs (that apparently followed from her last place). She refuses to shower or get her hair washed. The staff calls me often because of this and they are unable to get rid of the bed bugs. She hangs her clothes she wore back in the closet. She won't listen to me about showering and they told me she may be asked to leave the facility. She would then be homeless. My health has suffered trying to help her and I stay awake nights not knowing where to turn. She gets beligererent with me and always has been quite mean with me (I'm an only child and have POA). Can I go through the process of making her an adult ward of the state, give up POA, or what other options do I have? The nurses are almost in tears when they phone me because this parent is so belligerent and they don't know what to do either.
I don’t think they can legally put her out on the street.
See if there is an elder law attorney you can talk to.
My uncle was that way and my brother told him they wouldn’t keep him if he didn’t shower.
Also can her doctor give her meds to help with her unpleasant behavior.’
You need to remove yourself from her and screen calls from the facility. Do you what you can from being her
Based on your interactions with the facility, you will be asked to remove her soon.
Give yourself permission to take a complete break, however long you need.
There are many residents who, due to dementia, depression, or just plain old grumpiness, exhibit behaviors that make it nearly impossibly to properly care for them. They deserve our compassion and patience and so does the staff.
About the bed bugs, she did not appear to understand what was going on, they switched her overnight to another room, followed all proper procedures for extermination and her clothes were bagged several days and washed/dried hot water. In the intervening time, she was given new clothes to wear but refused to take off the clothes she had been wearing (for those several days) and would not wear any clothes that were not hers. They did not catch that when my completely mobile mom finally got her clothes returned, hung up, and left the room, she changed out of the ones she wore for about five days and hung them up too! OY! I have mentioned this to the staff.
Yesterday, when I arrived after no sleep the night before. I was greeted at the front desk with "We got her to shower this morning!" When I got to the unit, the most wonderful staff member said that yes she got her to take a shower somehow and she (the staff member) also washed her hair the best she could gently due to the head wound. It seems the day staff is much more confident and at least reassuring to me then the night staff. At least for now. They now have also often witnessed my mom's belligerence and appear to handle it better than the night staff.
I have no way else to describe my mom's always odd personality except to say if anyone has watched the Ted Bundy documentary (I think Netflix), that is her personality exactly (without the serial murders). She seems sweet and competent one minute, greeting and complimenting the staff, uses her big educated sounding words, agrees in a "yes, of course" compliant way, and then BAM, she instantly turns on people like a caged animal. Sedation, perhaps, but she doesn't like being sedated and is definitely at risk of falling (hence the brain bleed). She has her walker, but she hobbles around without it in her room.
Anyway, thanks for the responses, I read them all, and I appreciate you taking the time to reply.
If you just don't want to be involved any longer, then you might consult with an attorney about the process of filing with the court to have a Guardian appointed and that it be the county or some other proper person the court can appoint. To me, there is nothing wrong with doing this, when you are no longer able to be responsible or involved. It's a huge job and family members usually get no compensation though the work may entail many hours of time and energy for years on end.
I don't think they can make her shower but I hope they are pushing her, nicely, to get clean, with assistance.
So let's take those options one by one.
Lead. You have POA (do you know what sort?). Your mother has been admitted to memory care, she therefore must have been eligible, it should therefore not be too difficult to establish that she lacks capacity to make her own decisions. But POA makes you responsible for the key *decisions*, not for hands-on provision of services. The staff should not be ringing you for directions on your mother's hour-by-hour care. They are the trained, skilled workforce, not you. If they need additional support, they should be asking their line managers for instructions and escalating issues as appropriate. Have you had a formal care planning meeting with the memory care unit's managers? What is the plan?
Follow. What professionals have been leading your mother's mental health care? What has been their advice? Has the schizophrenia been formally diagnosed, is it a longstanding issue? Again, all this should feed in to the care plan.
Get out of the way. You can speak to a lawyer about how to make a formal surrender of your POA and transfer responsibility for your mother's care to the state. Or, you can go online to your state's own government portal and look for guidance there - https://www2.illinois.gov/sites/gac/OSG/Pages/Guardianship-Fact-sheet.aspx
I'm hoping that your mother hasn't been in the unit for very long, and it's mainly a question of getting to grips with an effective care plan. But no one on this forum, absolutely nobody, would blame you for wanting to give up a responsibility you just can't fulfil. Good luck, please let us know how you're getting on.