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My husband of 54 years has atrophy of his frontal and temporal lobes. He has aphasia and is pretty much non-verbal. He is 76, I am 72. I am managing to deal with life for the moment, but I am told that eventually he will need to be in a care facility. I really dread the thought. I don't want him to feel abandoned or unloved.
There is a highly rated facility in our rather rural area, but I do not know how long I would be able to pay for it. There is a new Veterans' Home about 40 miles from here. I have had no luck in finding how that would work, but need to make some follow up calls.
I would rather he stayed at home, but I realize I might simply not be able to care for him at some point. The nearest of our children is nearly 5 hours away. I just dread having to make this decision, but hope I will know when it is best for both of us. But - how to tell him. How to make that decision.

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If he is a veteran with service connected disability, he goes to the top of the priority list. Call them, visit them, ask for a tour with him. Bring his service records or discharge papers.
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My heart goes out to you. This is someone you have loved for a long time. But, that love will not stop when he is moved. Telling him that he needs to move is probably the most difficult task of all of the tasks that those of us involved in this process have had to do. Just do it with love and kindness and hope for the best. As for the Veterans' Home, to add to what pamstegma has said, I will simply state that you do not want to contact any veterans anything by mail. Mail has a tendency to fall between the cracks. I stopped waiting on a response from a letter I sent eight years ago. It was never answered. You will always want to talk to them in person, even if you have to see them in person to make an appointment to see them. This is not an easy time for you, but I will pray for you that you will have the strength to do all you must do. In the end, if the facility you place him in is of good repute, then what you will be doing is keeping him safe. That is a loving thing to do.
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Yes first check if he's a veteran but I know veterans homes have long wait list. You should be able to call. I did that and got my dad on the wait list but there are exceptions to allow them to move up on the list
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I worked 22 hours a day sometimes to give my mother the best care I was capable of. I have to admit that a staff of Certified Nursing Assistants (CNAs) working a total of 21 shifts a week could care for Mom better than one dedicated daughter could in a good week. Plus, I have seen members of the older generation of my mother's family seriously impair their own health when they heroically cared for their close relatives for years while they themselves were aging into their 80's, even 90's. Sounds like a good run, and these caregivers were singly responsible for keeping their husband's alive well into their nineties, but the toll it took on them was too much. I saw that when it was happening, but I know it now from the experience of the extreme-caregiver, from which years my own health and physical condition was seriously compromised. My mother is doing better under the care of well-supervised, and well-rested, refreshed caregivers. You can concentrate on what you do best, providing guidance to the doctors and staff, and your loving attention to your husband. Let others do what they do best.
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We are looking at Memory Care Centers for my mom and there is a discount of probably $1,000 - $2,000 discount for him for being a veteran (also applies to wives and widows) A lot of the places won't tell you that....so ask! Good luck.
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When I was in your situation, my husband's hospice team advised me to prepare myself for the change, but not tell my husband about it until one or two days before. Although it wasn't easy, I followed their advice.
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Loreal, does that apply to all veterans, or is there a low income qualification.
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From what I understood....ALL veterans and their spouses or widow(er)
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Check the yellow pages and contact your county (what county do you live in?). There should be an office of Veterans Affairs. (This is a different office than the VA clinic if you have one of these in your area. They are completely different offices. You want the Office of Veterans Affairs at the County level) Make an appointment and you'll have given yourself a gift. This person will be your representative and pipeline to the VA. One to One conversations and your questions will be answered. That's not to say that it will all be good news, but you'll have your answers and a possible plan on how to move forward. Ask about Aid and Attendance as well. A pension benefit to help pay for the cost of care whether in your home or a VA approved care facility. (VA approved does not mean VA hospital only.) There are a lot of hoops, but having a rep to help make the connection to the VA is priceless. You may decide not to go this route, but having information and understanding your options is such a relief.
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IWhile you are exploring answers look into the VA's HOME BASED PRIMARY CARE PROGRAM. They are helping me and I cannot say enough postive about the care, the sraff and how grateful I am foe this service.
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This is a very difficult time for the entire family. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. You do need to do what is best for both of you. Please don't forget you need to take care of you first or you cannot be there in any capacity for your husband. Do you have any care at home right now other than yourself? If not you could possibly keep him at home a little longer by getting some home help. As mentioned before the VA has options for veterans. When selecting a full care facility try to select a place that is close enough where you can visit frequently. At some point this will be more important to you then it will be to him. You will have the comfort to just pop in and see how things are going. Blessing to you and your family during this most stressful and difficult time.
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There is no income ceiling for meds, doctor visits or eyeglasses (maybe other benefits), but there IS an income ceiling for Aid and Attendance pension (help from the VA for cost of care either in a facility or in your own home). That's where they 'get' you. Again, call the Office of Veterans Affairs. One appointment and you'll have your answers. The whole process is overwhelming and it's such a relief to have someone there to help answer questions. Be forewarned though. The answers aren't always what you want to hear, but at least you'll know the facts. And, that bite of the elephant will done. There are so many obstacles that any step forward is a good one. Good luck and be strong.
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I just placed my wife with Alzheimer's in a Memory Care place. I understand what you are going through and the emotions that are involved. I cannot suggest help for VA and costs. I did wait a couple of days before telling my wife and I referred to her going for Rehab for Memory. I had been laying ground work for several weeks about trying to find a place that helps with rehab for Memory but never referring to residential. She has now been in a month and I visit her everyday. Overall she is content. I find the that she is more alert because they can keep her on a regular schedule which was hard to do at home. It is not an easy decision but the response that helped me make the final decision was: We will now take care of the feeding, dressing, toileting, activities & showering-You just provide the "LOVE".
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There is an income/asset qualification for the veterans assistance in a care facility. You need to speak to an attorney that specializes in elder care to help you prepare a plan that will not drain all your resources paying for your husband's care in a facility.
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If you're getting a feeling against moving him, you're getting that feeling for a reason, and you'll probably want to listen to that feeling if you're getting it. There are palm healthcare alternatives to putting someone into a nursing home that can make them bitter and hateful about being in a facility, I actually saw this coming from some lady many years ago. Being forced from the comfort of home will definitely cause emotional upset if for some reason they shouldn't be forced out of their home. Being forced out of your home will definitely traumatize you to some degree, I mean put yourself in the shoes of that person and you'll realize how you would feel. Sometimes putting someone into a facility is for the better in some cases but not necessarily in all cases. In your case, you mentioned feeling the dread of even the thought of it. This is why I should bring to your attention that this is probably a gut feeling you should really listen to because there's a reason why you're getting that feeling. The facility may have a high rating, but you don't know what kind of small detail could actually send your husband into a tailspin while at that facility. If you go against what that got feeling is trying to tell you, you will be opening the door to the unforeseen that God is trying to protect your husband from, because that feeling is not just in your head as you may think, so don't ignore that feeling.
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I applied for the VA Aid & Attendence received my denied letter yesterday as my husbands condition AD is not service connected. A veteran must have a minimum of 70% VA Disability rating to get space in a VA Nursing Home, any lower rating then that then you pay the difference, approx. $2500 a month. If you choose your States Veterans Home, there is no % rating, they just take about everything he has, pension, social security, life insurance cash value. Here in MD the going rate is around $4500 a month.
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twopups, we found that you never let the MD fill out forms, especially the VBA 21-2680. Download the fillable form and YOU fill it in and just have the MD sign it. I guarantee his office help will screw it up.
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Ask the Memory Care Centers for your mom whether the discount of $1,000 - $2,000 for her husband being a veteran is in addition to, or instead of the VA's Aid and Attendance benefit.
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about $104,000 to $108,000 in total assest. You will still need to supervise as much as you can. VA War Home usually won't let you stay over night but you can visit every day or as often as possible. The amount of workers per veteran so I found is not enough if your loved one is needy. If the veteran knows who they are, where they live, you & other information, they will probably do fine. Sitters that you hire when you can't be there will need to have a background check at your expense.They had a list where my Dad was but anyone else had to be checked out. There is also not much the sitter is supposed to do but sit & relay needs of the patient &/or keep you informed. Being in a room with a roommate was less than $2000 per month.My Dad was in the army in WWII overseas in Germany, Italy, etc. & never wanted to talk too much about all the stuff that happened to him & horrible things he saw. I should have left him in the nursing home where he was in memory care with less patients to workers. It was about $5000 to $6000 per month.We toured the VA War home & it seemed to be ok. However, he walked into the facility with a rollator on his own power & was still able to talk & knew a good bit of information. They told me let us do what we do-take care of your Dad. He died within 2 months. My Mom had been taking care of him for I don't know how many years without help. We saw him about 3 hours before he passed & I was horrified that my Dad looked so bad & I think he suffered by not being taken care of better. It is & will be a hard decision to surrender care to someone else to take care of your loved one. Just know you have to be active in their care.I really was very nieve & stupid but I was preoccupied trying to take care of Mother still hoping I would be able to bring my Daddy home as soon as she got better. Good luck, T
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My heart goes out to you. We are in a similar situation. Everybody is different. I have friends who placed their spouse in a care facility very quickly and found their lives much easier, and others who found their stress levels the same after placement.
It is good to begin checking things out early so you have a better picture of what your options might be. But, it is good to wait until you are comfortable with your decision.
We have been in the "waiting" mode for several years. In fact I was told that a care facility was the best option more than 25 years ago. Since then, I have become much more limited physically. We now have aide service daily to bathe and dress my husband of 54 years. Of course I have my bad days, but I do not regret keeping him at home. I take our wedding vows seriously and consider them as much a vow to the Lord as to my husband. If he were in a facility, I would probably be visiting him daily and that would not be easy either.
ChereWife1, I send hugs and best wishes to you as you face a difficult decision.
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First there is no need to tell him. His condition is such that he does not understand much. Contact the VA via va.gov online, but I prefer to talk to the nursing home coordinator which will advise you. He probably can use his social security, military pension and aid and attendance, and any shortage will be borne by Medicaid. I have already checked and this is how it works at the VA home in Phoenix. Stop stressing because you will only make yourself ill, and there is nothing you can do about his diagnosis. Love him for the time he has left, and God Bless you both for having had a lasting marriage!
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Call your COUNTY VETERANS SERVICE OFFICE. they are the gatekeeper and can assist you in applying for any and all Veterans Services that your husband may be eligible for.
Homebound Program, Aide and Attendance and VA Nursing Homes are all very helpful in easing the burden for loved ones and caregivers.

Good Luck
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Jennifer, I am dealing with this in the close future if my mom is accepted into a home. Ive had her home over 8 years with me but its getting to me physically and emotionally. If you truly don't want him to go, you could hire a live in for half the cost of a nursing home around here, Not sure where you are and its no fun with a stranger in the house either, i've done it during the day off and on for all these years. Good luck to you, its the most heartbreaking decision. You will be his wife again, not a caregiver, thats what I was told by many, only its with my mom, it made me feel better. Maybe you can tell him its temporary for now, a therapeutic fib? ugh so difficult! XO
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I am facing a similar situation, and the thought of the costs has thrown me into a depressed state. What happens when all money has been spent on him? How do I live? Too old to get any sort of employment. Right now, have him in Day Stay, but he is rapidly losing ground.
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You all need to make out an irrevocable trust, your assets will be safe after 5 years. I need to do one myself.
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Everything will be gone by 5 years.
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My mother receives a monthly VA benefit broken down into surviving spousal benefit, death pension benefits, and aid and attendance as my father was in the Army and is deceased. This is based on her income. (It is a sliding scale based on need.) I would suggest making an appointment at a VA office, as others have mentioned, and find out about the paperwork, process, and qualifications. My mother received backpayments retroactive to the date that the paperwork was sent to the State office. Then she received a home visit (she resided with us for 2 years) and the VA rep outlined what her VA money could be used for. When she went to a memory care unit a year ago, the VA funds were strictly to be used for the facility so it offset the cost. I paid from that account and added money from her savings, SS, etc. Her investments and Life Insurance policy were cashed in to be used also. Now that her funds are less than 2000, she is applying for Medicaid. Hopefully that works out and then the VA funds will still go to pay for the memory care unit, her SS, too; and money from the state. She will be allowed to keep a small amount of money. I have been told $100 by some people; and $90 by others. I would check out the VA office and the Aging Disability Resources Services and/or a support group at a local hospital or memory care facility. There are many people who will help you, but you need to be proactive and start now. Good luck!
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I did not think my mother would ever go to a nursing facility. But her geriatric specialist gave me several tips that helped and one of my brothers came that day from out of town and took her on an outing all day (to the cemetery where my father - my mother's husband- is buried, out to her fav. pizza place, to the Packer stadium, etc. My sister came from out of town and we packed up things for my mother that she needed (and I had bought for her new room) and we moved this and some furniture in and waited. My brother brought my mother to the facility. She actually had to go to the bathroom so my brother said to my mom that they should run inside the building. When my brother brought my mother inside, she was greeted by my sister and the marketing director and myself. After using the bathroom, we took her to her room. I think the combination of: the doctor who said to NOT tell my mother ahead of time that she would be leaving my house, GOD and prayers, the coordination of the memory care unit staff and our family - my sister and brother; plus the doctor suggested giving my mother an increase of one of her medications a few days prior... to calm her... ALL HELPED make this a very easy transition and one that I would never have expected. She loved her decorated room. My sister stayed with her to eat dinner and then we all visited the next day. She had forgotten that we had brought her there. I realized that we could not take care of her 24/7. She had wandered once at our cottage and I called the DNR, sheriff, etc. A search party of 100 people and 2 dogs later... we found her. That was a wake up call for me. I would rather have her safe at the facility and go and visit her a few times a week than to ever have her wander again. I know everyone is different and there are some strategies that probably will work better than others with certain people. But I honestly feel in many, many cases, it is the right decision. My family has done everything with my mother her whole life so I don't feel bad or guilty at all. I know it was the right thing at the right time. Good luck.
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A trust only helps if it is set up 5 years prior to needing the assistance. For those of us that did not have that, or VA benefits, it is a scary situation
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Yes, a visit may ease his nerves.
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