First, I'm 600 miles from my parents both of whom are safe and cared for in a nursing home with an excellent staff. My dad is invalided and undergoing therapy for a broken hip. My mom has no near term memory (cannot even remember why my dad is there) and has lost all capacity for rational thought or communication. I get hundreds of texts daily about not getting baths, food, clean clothes, hair care, etc (all of which are untrue) and especially about having access to her car and keys. She can't walk out on her own volition so safety is not an issue. But, the texts get meaner and meaner. What is an appropriate response? So far, simply not responding seems to be the only thing as any response makes it feed on itself.
For my entire life (over 6 decades) this person has used guilt trips, persecution complexes, and self pity as weapons to get what she wanted and made everyone miserable when she didn't get it. This was always there but now it's on warp drive. And by her own admission 2 months ago, she can barely drive and was dependent on others for transportation.
Roger
Not responding may be the appropriate response. Another is "I'll look into that, Mom."
Or "The doctor will tell us when that's safe."
Google F.O.G.--Fear, Obligation and Guilt'.
I imagine this skill won't last... But until then I think I would answer ONE a day.
A cheery hello, hope your day goes well, small talk topics eg comments on the sunny/windy/snowy day, activities planned for that day, what's on the menu for lunch. Maybe old favorite interests eg music, singers, films.
I would not be commenting on personal care issues such as bathing, hair care or clean clothing. Personally (in usual circumstances) I would not not discuss these subjects face-to-face with a visitor to my home or by text, as I would know this was not in other's realm of interest.
I realise this is not possible for your folks to grasp.. They may wish to discuss what they like - but this does not mean you have to listen or respond.
I agree to only answer 1 selective text per day and then turn off your notifications from her (or temp block her).
I have to ask: do you think she's calling/texting anyone else? We had to take away my MILs address book as she was phoning her old friends who lived many time zones away, telling them all sorts of untrue stuff, and then we'd get a phone call from them. It's not beyond the realm of possibility that your mom would call the police or 911, or somehow cross paths with a scammer (so hopefully you control her finances). If she has access to the internet, it may be time to reconsider this.
Do you speak to your dad? Is he competent? do you have his DPOA or moms?
You have received responses that let you know mom’s behavior is not unusual (except for it being text…usually phone calls).
Find yourself an easy touchstone. When you see the text, instead of reading it and becoming stressed, think of your touchstone. They are safe or All is well as an example.
For now think of the phone like a child’s hand held game for her, keeping her busy … unless it is causing harm.
You have to remove to your higher self. Just observe, think of your touch stone and let it go.
You aren’t going to change her, no response to her will work.
The response is for you. That’s important as they need you to watch over them and if you engage with mom it will just upset you both.
one other thought is to try distraction. You might record a message with soothing comforting thoughts and sending it as a text to mom. You could probably use the same one over and over.
“Hi Mom
I hope you and dad are having a wonderful day. I love you”
You are seriously overworking yourself over a situation that is in reality very simple- what your mother says, and wants, are inappropriate AND not within the ability of you OR ANYONE, to provide.
You have NO LEGAL OR MORAL OBLIGATION to respond to her attempts to contact you, so IT’S TIME TO STOP DOING SO.
Your mother is not your boss, or your caregiver, or your manager. She is a person who is failing cognitively and who has “lost all capacity for rational thought or communication”.
She does not need or benefit from your constant attention. If you stop being so available, she MAY realize that she needs to rely on her caregivers, and that you are NOT available when she texts.
You don’t deserve to be miserable for doing your best.
At the beginning it was phone calls, then shifted to texts exclusively. And was calling 2 others who are looking out for her. That has tapered off.
The main reason I initially had her admitted as a resident, while staying with my dad as a guest during his rehab, the staff caught her giving him a hydrocodone and told me to get her out of his room. Now that she's a resident, they confiscated a very large bag of prescription meds she'd managed to hide from the rest of us. She has been forgetful for a few months. But she got very bad very fast. Like in 6-7 weeks.
Thanks to all. I knew the answer - she's safe, I've done the only thing that can be done. Just have to let her rant.
Roger
Showers are not given everyday, maybe 3x a week. I love what Ann said. She has been on this forum for years and I never remember her wording it this way:
"If you can take a step outside of yourself and observe yourself as a mature adult, and NOT as the ‘child of parents” you will be on your way to developing a healthier perspective about hearing and responding to communications that are not relevant to YOUR LIFE nor to theirs."
I think caregiving would be a lot easier if people looked at themselves like this. Boundries would definitely be set. Roles change at this point. Parents become the children and children the adults. Dementia gives them a childlike quality. I think you can deal with things if you think of Mom as a toddler. Difference, toddlers can be taught and those suffering from a Dementia can't. But that is how they act like small children who want it their way.
My Mom was probably 86 when she forgot how to use a remote and a cordless telephone. I actually had to get her a landline phone as close to the old kind I could. That she remembered how to use. I even gave her the simplest cell phone, just hit the same button for on/off, she still didn't get it. So surprises me ur Mom can text. Does she use the phone for anything other than bugging you? If so, I might lose it. Or, lose your phone# in it. (If u lose it, make sure the staff knows. My daughter says a report has to be made up only to find a family member took the phone)
Its really hard, but learn to just go with the flow. Time for little fibs.