My Father is in Assisted Living Plus at a great facility. He has been assessed at the edge of moderate cognitive decline, one "point" from severe cognitive decline. I moved him here to Kansas City from Milwaukee after a stroke. He lived with us for awhile and then he fell resulting in a compression fracture. The recommendation was to no longer go the flight of stairs to the bedroom. So, after rehab, he moved to Assisted Living Plus at the same facility.He is focused on getting an apartment back in Milwaukee. I know that Milwaukee is home to him but there is no other immediate family in Milwaukee. I have had multiple physicians tell him, he can no longer live on his own. We have told him that. He does not believe that he can't live on his own. Per him - he can do everything he used to do. I have tried the physicians say you cannot live on your own? I have tried everyone you know, says this is the best place for you. He has said - it is not what I say.I have POA, so make the decisions and I know this is the best place for him. I have not told him about the POA but he still says...you cannot make decisions for me. It is just super hard, when all he talks about is moving back to Milwaukee. Any thoughts on how I should respond when he goes down the path of moving? I am not always able to redirect to what he had for lunch or what is on the tv. Do I say no Dad, you need to be here? Do I ignore the question. He is past the point of being able to reason, and I do not want to go thru the list of things he is no longer able to do. Any thoughts/suggestions would be appreciated.
They were life long dairy farmers and did not like the food at the assisted living because things were not buttery enough and fried enough for them.
SHOULD they? CAN they? They are different things.
I would ignore should & can for now. Focus on what Dad says. He's not making defined steps & plans - this could be more about his FEELINGS. How does he feel? Sad. Fair enough too. It's a lot to lose.
I would try councelling for your Dad. Doesn’t have to be a top expensive cognitive behaviour type. More pastoral care. A councellor that works with *life transistions* as they call it. Social Workers can do this.
Basically, someone to listen (often non family is good). Someone to hear his GRIEF at losing his home in Milwaukee. While no-one can fix his grief, sometimes expressing it can help.
Worth a go?
I agree with you that all of this is super hard and drains the soul. When mom started insisting on talking to her mother on the phone, I'd come up with a story du jour about why she was unavailable (deceased 30 years and would've been 137 yrs old). One day she got furious and yelled, "YOU'RE FULL OF SH!T" at me. So I said, mom, grandma is dead and has been for many years now. She said Oh Ok. Sigh. As I said, you can't win. You try to spare them the anguish, and that doesn't work. You tell them the truth and that doesn't work.
Take your choice of how you want to handle dad on any given day, and best of luck with a difficult situation.
"Dad, I will tell you this, and if you need it repeated in your doctor's office the two of us will go there so it can be. You are no longer safe on your own. You need to be in care, and that is where you are. You need to be near enough so that I can use the POA to manage your care; and that is where you are. I know this is a road of constant and painful losses and I understand you still have dreams and fantasies that you can return home and live on your own. But you are no longer able to do that. I am sorry to have to be so brutally honest with you, but this is where we are. I am so sorry it hurts you and it hurts me to see your pain, but I hope for your own sake and mine too that you will try hard to adapt".
He may. And he may not. No one likes to see this for our parents. It is a loss of control of their own lives. Try to imagine that. But this is the honest truth about where you are. Not everything can be fixed. You aren't responsible for the losses of aging and you can't fix them.
I am sorry for all this grief, but these losses and the pain that goes with them are the norm. You'll know that if you stay and read up on AC.
Best of luck, dealing with dementia is grueling. Finding ways to let our loved ones still have their dreams is difficult when they are kinda in outer space and are things that stress us out. Learning to listen with half an ear and appropriate acknowledgement is beneficial to us.
It’s really sad and difficult. But it’s the reality.
I would just tell him that when his doctors say that he's well enough to go home, that you will consider it. And then drop it.
But more concerning to me is that fact that you say that you are your fathers POA, yet you "have not told him about the POA" to which I will ask, how can you be your fathers POA if he himself did not appoint you as such as that is not legal?