My mother had a stroke 5 years ago, affected her speech and mobility. She has made a recovery though speech a bit effected still. She's 87. She has always been a miserable, self-pitying person. She wasn't a good mother. 2 years ago the mental health people did a questionnaire test and said she had early onset Alzheimer's. I truly think they've misdiagnosed her mental health with the years and years of depression. I've tried to explain her history to them. It's not that she can't do things, she's too depressed to do them. She does not have a memory problem other than what you'd expect from her age, she is not confused, she is not disoriented. She can cook, bathe, dress, remember phone numbers, knows what day and time it is, what clothes she should wear and is capable of being functional. After her stroke I cared for her, bathed her, dressed her and took care of personal hygiene, I did it all. Until one day, when I couldn't bathe her, she went and put her bath seat together, got in the bath, washed her hair, got dressed and went downstairs and made herself tea. I felt like such an idiot. She let me do it when she could do it all herself.
Since then I stopped doing a lot of stuff for her over time. Now I've created a major problem. She won't cook, she won't help me (I am disabled myself) she just lays in bed. I have to tell her to bathe, to dress. She lays in bed all day. She threatens to kill herself. The mental health team have put her on antidepressants. I live with her. I'm sick and tired of everyone telling me what I should be doing to look after her, from family and friends. She's in a pit of self-pity and I'm drained. I've accepted this is who she is and this is the life she now has, the result of the life she led. I've another visit from a family member due who is going to tell me all the things I should be doing to help her. I've already told her doctor and mental health team I'm not doing any of this no more, I don't want to. I've told them I've stepped away from the responsibility of dealing with her and they will now have to take charge and put in place what's needed. The family member turning up tomorrow is 'concerned' about her. How do I handle yet another conversation from someone else, who wants to tell me what I should be doing when they themselves have minimum input?
Sorry, but I just don't care anymore. I don't want to give another moment of my time to her, she's had years of it.
I want and need to take care of myself, my own health, which always gets neglected and never taken into consideration by others.
I don't want to engage with her, I don't want to entertain her, I don't want to spend time with her. I can't be any blunter. The woman has taken any scrap of compassion from me and I have nothing left.
Look, you are correct. You do not want to enable or disable your Mom. She needs to do what she can for herself.
"I don't want to engage with her, I don't want to entertain her, I don't want to spend time with her." So don't. Consider yourself roomates. She lives her life, you live yours. Help her when she needs it. Look up the "gray rock method". You may be able to use this in your life.
She is putting on a show with her friends and so using a lot of energy. When they are gone, she just is exhausted. Even if Mom did everything for herself at 87, she is 87 so moves slower and energy levels low.
I have also contacted my mother's mental health team again and they will be visiting again this week. They want to suggest her taking part in a talking therapy, which she has previously refused but hopefully she may be more receptive to this time.
I can see your perspective of living as though we are room mates. I wish it wasn't like this but this may be a way forward for me to better cope with the situation as it stands.
I don't want to sound brutal, please know that I ensure my mother is fed, has clean clothes and bedding, but she puts an enormous strain on our relationship by not helping herself when she can.
Thank you for your suggestions and insight.
Funkygrandma59, it is your assumption and incorrect understanding of the situation when you imply that " it sounds like the main reason you moved in with your mother is because you want her house after she is dead".
I reiterate to you that I moved here to financially assist my mother, as I was then working full time, but trying to maintain two households on my income was not feasible. At the time, financially it made sense.
But I make no bones about not wanting the government to sell the house to pay for a care home and I do not want to make myself intentionally homeless.
I think you should just carry on knowing you have made the best decisions you can for yourself, as you tell us in response to anything we say.
Me? I wouldn't be taking the risk you are. I would be out there getting a job and my own housing.
But that's me, and this is you, and as I said, you're an adult, capable of making your own decisions and being responsible for them.
No answers really, just carry on.
"To be perfectly blunt and honest, I don't want to loose this house to care home fees for her. I've invested in improving this house and I consider it to be a home. I really really am not financially in a position to start over again. I am registered disabled myself. If I leave the house, I will be regarded as making myself intentionally homeless by the authorities and receive little to no help . I will again contact social services for another assessment."
Let me just forewarn you, people who "give up" jobs and lives to move in to caregiving, hoping they will get a paid for home out of it almost always, in the experience of this forum end up homeless, jobless, without a job history. We tell them to go to a shelter. Start over from the bottom of the barrel. Because there is not another choice.
Those who think they can do caregiving for even ONE elder in their home almost ALWAYS end up wrong. The elder ends up going into care because there is eventually no other choice. Then the home is subject to clawback upon their death.
This, statistically is what DOES happen and what WILL happen to you.
Just to say..............we seldom see it turn out any other way.
I appreciate your letting us know that among your goals is the goal that this home is going to be yours. I am telling you that I think that is magical thinking.
I'm not homeless, I live here.
By moving out of the home I intentionally make myself homeless.
Moving into the home to help my mother financially was at the time the best decision for us both.
I do take offence at your suggestion of 'people who "give up" jobs and lives to move in to caregiving, hoping they will get a paid for home out of it'. I'm not sure if you are trying to have a bit of a dig at me there? It all seems quite hostile.
As for your comment ' I would be out there getting a job and my own housing'
to reiterate once more and as previously stated, I am disabled. I actually worked full time when I moved in here. Unfortunately, after sustaining a back injury, I was diagnosed with lumbar disc disease with several herniated discs and other conditions affecting my spine joints and nerves, requiring surgery and ongoing treatment. Unfortunately, my mobility is comprised. But hey, your comments have been from the perspective of what 'you' would do.
Having contacted Social Services in relation to assistance and help, they have agreed a new care assessment is needed and in home care provided. My mother will also be receiving further help and an evaluation from her mental health team.
Social Services and the authorities have confirmed that if and when the time comes that my mother needs to move to a care home, the house will not be sold to pay towards her fees and I will be able to remain in the home because I am disabled. Apparently, this permanent disregard of property also applies to a spouse, partner, former partner, or civil partner, a lone parent who is an estranged or divorced partner,a relative or member of family who is aged 60 or over, or a child aged under 18,
That is UK guidance.
My initial post was in seeking help and advice on how to deal and cope with my mother's behaviour and how I felt near breaking point with coping. It does seem to have veered in a completely different direction.
But thank you for your input anyway.
Her needs are met, however I do not feel that enabling her behaviours is beneficial to herself or anyone else.
You said the words I didn't.
I kept out of the way for most of my relatives visit today. She got herself up, washed and dressed in preparation, by herself, without any prompting. When they arrived, she wobbled about, linking arms to walk and had drinks fetched and carried for her during her visit and reverted back to a very incapable person. It upsets me to see her acting this way. Rightly or wrongly, I spoke to my relative and explained that she is fully capable of walking unaided, making tea and much much more, but I understand that them doing these things for her makes them feel better. Unfortunately, playing along with her antics makes things harder when they leave. She wants me to play that role of doing everything for her 24/7 when I know what she is fully capable of.
I expressed that I was no longer wanting or able to carry on with this destructive cycle of behaviour and had accepted she was unwilling and incapable of change. I explained that the mental health team and her GP would now be the ones addressing her issues and that I would be contacting social services for another care assessment. I am in the UK so our system may work differently than in US. Unfortunately I was told that my approach was 'negative'. But I held firm and expressed that doing everything for her and enabling her behaviour was the negative thing to be doing and that I felt 100% positive about my decision and already felt 100% positive and relieved in having made my choice.
I sure hope it's worth it when this situation is all said and done. as you're paying an awful high price.
And I know that you don't believe that your mother has any dementia, but in case you don't know, chronic depression is one of the major causes of dementia, and the fact that you say your mother has been depressed for many years makes her a prime candidate for it.
I'm sorry that you've allowed yourself to be put in this very unhealthy situation, and that it's taken you this long to figure out that you matter too in this equation. I guess better late than never though huh?
Unfortunately I don't believe you're going to do much to improve your situation except for perhaps ignoring your mother more, since you've lost all patience with her, and you don't want to be homeless.
It's an unfortunate situation you're in, but it's only you that can make the necessary changes to improve your life. I hope you have it in you to do just that.
I have arranged for my mother to spend a few days away. Hopefully this will give us both a bit of respite from each other. Thank you.
I agree Mom needs a Neurologist to do a good exam of Mom. Her getting up and doing her own bath would have truly p***ed me off. I disliked bathing and toileting.
Yes, tell the health people you can no longer help her and to remember you have a registered disability that needs to be tended to. That she has burnt u out and you have nothing more to give.
If she needs 24/7 care, then they need to arrange it. In the US a disabled child can stay in the house if they can prove they can afford the upkeep. Plus, you are a resident. Also, that you have probably done 2yrs of caregiving in the home, so another reason u can stay if Mom is placed in care. When she has visitors, find a place to go. Run errands, it in a park. Go to your room andvshut the door.
I've also contacted her social worker for another care assessment and help at home with her care needs and a carers assessment for myself. I am in the UK, so things may work differently between our countries.
I've also sort advice as to whether the home would have to be sold if or when she needed a care home. We also have something here similar to what you mentioned, where there is a permanent disregard of the value of the home towards care home fees. I know this has been a subject that seems to have riled some people, but it is an issue of concern to me. Thank you for not biting my head off when addressing it.
As suggested, I did keep out of the way for the most part when we had a relative visit, but I also managed to arrange that she stay with them for a few days soon.
Thank you again.
Thank you all for your advice.
I acknowledge that I've put myself in this situation though it has taken me 56 years to waken up to it all.
What is 'registered disabled'? Either you are considered disabled by the law and your doctors, unfit for work or you are not. If you are receiving disability (SSI or SSI) benefits, they will not stop because you move out of your mother's house. In fact, because you are disabled you will qualify for low-income housing or mixed income housing that's based on your income. You will also qualify for food stamps and Medicaid yourself. So stop making excuses.
It's understandable that you don't want to see your mother's house get spent down to homecare or long term care facility fees. How many years of your life are you willing to live like you do?
My friend, no house is worth how you're living. I feel for you I really do because my own situation was almost identical to yours. I let myself be put upon by my mother then I found myself living back with her a few years back. Get out. No one is going to consider you "deliberately" making yourself homeless because you flee an abusive situation.
If your mother's house is your legal residence, you DO NOT have to be her slave because she can't just throw you out. She would have to legally evict you. This means going to court, filing (and paying for) the eviction papers, then getting a sherrif to officially serve you with them.
So refuse to drive her to the court. If she wants to cry and complain and needs something, let her call one of your overly-critical relatives to help her. When she threatens suicide again tell her 'whatever' and walk away. Don't ask her for any help with cooking or anything else. Don't tell her bathe or dress. Let her lay in bed all day. Completely ignore her. Three times a day offer her food. If she refuses take it away. If she refuses to bathe or wash, walk away.
Get ahead of it by telling APS and your family that she refuses your assistance and there's nothing you can do about it.
In the meantime, your mother needs some tough love from you.
Stop catering to her. Stop caving into her demands and abusive neediness, and stop playing her games.
If you want to continue to help her and do some caregiving, there must be boundaries that YOU set and it also has to be on YOUR terms, no hers.
If this is not possible for you to do, you will have to leave for your own sake.
Honestly you make her depression worse by letting her, your enabling her and making things worse for yourself
I know I've been there, my mom left me suicide note for me to find, as a teen so I wouldnt get into any teenage related trouble.
You need to walk away and get some counseling.
And look up codependency.
Melody Beattys books are the best
Best of luck, lots of us here have been though this
Thank you for the reassurance of knowing others have also experienced this. I will definitely do some reading and ask my GP about referral for counselling.
I would seek therapy. Because you are a grownup woman now. No one forces us to give 24/7 care. I couldn't do it a single day in my life, and it was always clear to me that I would never offer to do it. I am 81 and my daughter 62 and it would SHATTER ME utterly to think of her giving up the best and most free years of her life to care for me.
There are many things here that went wrong. Your mother had a stroke. She should have gone to rehab and were you taking her home into 24/7 care there should have been discharge planning in which rehab taught you NOT to enable helplessness, but to foster ability and growth. That could be learned even online in the absence of good discharge planning.
Now your mom is 87. She has been diagnosed both with a depressive disorder AND with likely some dementia (a good neuro-psyc eval is needed for this to differentiate the two).
The long and short of all this repeating back to you what you told us is to say that through all of this YOUR CHOICE has been to continue to give 24/7 care.
It sounds to me as though you are close now to thinking that is the wrong choice, or if right was right for THEN and now you wish to reclaim your life.
As to people who have an opinion? If you like their opinion, consider it. If you don't like it kick it to the curb. Same goes for MY opinion.
There is no magic wand here. Your mother will not get better nor more well. You describe her as ALWAYS having been this way. No fairy will come in and change everything. There are no choices now that do not require hard honest conversations with your mother that you are now reclaiming you life and she will need to go into care. (IF THAT IS YOUR CHOICE).
I encourage a good therapist so that you can make a claim to your adulthood and your own decisions. They will not be easy. They will not be without tears. But WHATEVER you choose they will be your choices, and just getting that clear in your mind will help you move forward.
I wish you the very best. We form circular paths in our lives that we walk over and over and over again, ignoring the roads off to the side because it is SCARY to change. VERY! But you can do it. You have done harder things. Good luck.
I did caregiving for many years and am in the business of it now. I also have a mother (same age as yours) who behaves similar. The next time she threatens to kill herself because you won't wipe her a$$ or spoon-feed her when she's perfectly capable herself, call her bluff. Call 911 and tell them she's threatening to do herself harm and you need help. Have her taken to the ER. After this experience, she will stop with the suicide threats.
Next, tell her that she has a choice. If she is a true invalid, she belongs in a nursing home and you will put her in one because you're not doing for her anymore. You will have to find yourself somewhere else to live though. This should be your main priority now.
As for the 'comcerned' family member coming to visit. Tell them they can take over her care if they want to and if not then they should go pound sand.
You are most definitely done, my friend and I'm glad you realize it.
Meanwhile, you find a place of your own so you can become independent. Do it soon.
I'm sorry you've burned out but glad you now have the resolve to take a step for yourself. Please make plans to live apart from her, no matter what it takes. Section 8 housing, couch surfing with a friend or family member, etc.
If you are her PoA, you can resign (and there's a process for this so please research it). If no one is your Mom's PoA, then contact social services for her county to discuss an assessment, and getting her a caseworker since you won't be providing care going forward. A court-appoint guardian can take care of all her needs. You can have as much or little or no contact with her as you want, without the toxicity.
I wish you all the best as you break free and live your own life.
I am sorry you are feeling so low. Do you live with your mom? If so, perhaps it is time to find alternative housing. The two of you living together seems to have run it’s course