We are siblings whose mother refuses care for herself and very ill and failing husband from anyone but her adult children. She now expects that one of us moves in with them and become full time caregivers. All siblings are married and live out of the area, all have jobs, children, grandchildren and our own life issues. They have money and are eligible for VA benefits but refuse to change their lifestyle, spend money or seek help. They refuse to invest in repairs for their home which are long over due and any attempts even to clean is met with hostility. What to do? How to finally (lovingly?) say NO and/or ENOUGH!?
To even think of this ridiculous request makes me angry and I refuse to let him beat down my daughter. He’ll have to get past me.
He wants to bring my mom home from a nice ALF where she’s adjusting well and is happy. She has moderate dementia and CHF too and my dad wasn’t caring for mom sufficiently. The admission to AL facility was my doing because my mom had gotten into a bad way. Dad gripes about ‘the money’ which is absurd because they have plenty of money to pay for both their care! That infuriates me too.
My wonderful mother, who really is sweet, developed dementia rather rapidly over a number of months. She lived in the MIL apartment with me, and I was fine with helping her with her finances, doing the maintenance, and daily visits and doctor's visits. Which I did for quite a while. As the dementia progressed she no longer had the ability to plan meals, so she was always coming over to my place to find food. She couldn't track her medications, so I had to organize them and give them to her morning and evening. She was more isolated socially, so would come over to my place multiple times a day with some excuse, but I think it was more for a friendly face.
I really love and admire my mother. But I am an introvert and need lots of alone time for my own mental health. The constant interruptions drove me nuts. I have had special needs kids and a special needs husband and I have worn out my caretaking capacity. Plus I have my own chronic illness that leaves little energy for other things.
So even though (with a different person) it could have been made to work to have her stay in the MIL apartment, I had to say no. Fortunately my siblings agreed and stepped in to help. After living with a couple different siblings she is now in a very nice assisted living place. She would rather be in her MIL apartment. She would also rather be 60 and have my father alive.
I feel regret that I am not the person that could have her staying in the MIL apartment, with me in charge of hiring help and overseeing all her activities. But for my own mental health, I had to say no.
Seeing a therapist really helped me understand my needs and feel more comfortable with this. I am sad my wonderful mom can't have everything thing she wants, but she really doesn't understand (dementia, remember) all the work it takes to keep her going on a daily basis. And I think even if she moved back to the MIL apartment she still wouldn't be happy. Her main complaints have to do with the way her body and brain just aren't working, which would be the same anywhere.
Now that she is in AL I am able to be a loving daughter, eager to help, rather than a resentful daughter who dreaded every time I would her the common door open and hear her shuffling in with another need.
"No mom, I'm not going to do that. You'll have to pay for your care. I'll help you arrange that, but I won't be your caregiver".
My mom will never accept no. One thing that helps me is to disengage when she starts in on it. I tell her that's not up for discussion and change the subject. If that doesn't work, I cut the call or visit short.
A bit of advice from one who's been there....use your husband for support, but you need to be the one saying no. You don't want her trying to drive a wedge between the two of you if she thinks he's the roadblock. Reminding yourself of what's best for the two of you will give you strength to tell her no.