How to set boundaries with my father's crazy wife regarding responsibility for his care?

So, she sends him to Texas?

So what?

You are not obligated to provide for him. Ignore her emails. You've set a healthy boundary. Continue to observe it.

I understand the panic and anxiety. Remember that it's YOUR choice what or how much you do. Including nothing at all.

I agree. If your dad comes to Texas there's nothing that says you have to care for him. Like Barb said, this is a healthy and realistic boundary. Stick to it. But if he does make his way to Texas you will be in an all-or-nothing situation. You can't participate in his care in any way, shape, or form or else you will be in it 100%.

Why would you have to do anything if he was shipped to TX?

You have expressed your boundary here, so stick to your guns. Get on with your life and your children as your priority, which is at it should be. Your father has a long-term wife who appears to still be well enough to be his primary caretaker. You told your SM what you thought, so if she still sends him to TX it will have been a decision she made alone and you do not need to be part of the fallout from it. I tend to question her motive about moving him to a different state since it could be disorienting for him and most spouses choose a local facility to be accessible to their LO.

To start with could you consider blocking her number on your phone. At the very least don't answer her calls. They have not treated you decently at all therefore you really don't owe them a part of your life. I think remaining in contact might just fuel whatever your stepmother chooses to communicate to you. You have stated your position. You are not being cruel. You dealt with your mother and simply are not deserving of being further abused by a negligent parent who has never treated you as a parent should. I wish you the best and hope you find the strength you need.

If she persists, you could tell her not to bother moving him because you’re planning on moving or getting a transfer. And don’t say where.

This man feels he owes you nothing, you also owe him nothing. He was never a "father". We honor those who cared for us. You made it perfectly clear that you will not be involved. Seems this woman is perfectly able to set him up with care. She is his wife and took vows for in sickness and health. You owe her nothing. You made it clear that you cannot be there for him or her.

Does Dad have money to keep him in an AL or NH in Texas? If not, Medicaid in Tx will not pay for his care because he is not a resident. She may not realize this. I also would change my phone #s. Why? Her for one reason and second if she is successful getting him to TX, she will be giving your contact info to the home and they will be calling you instead of her.

Really, I think the move to Texas will not happen when she sees how much is involved with getting him there. A plane will not work if he is incontinent. It will take 3 days of driving, staying in Motels 2 nights. Train, same thing, some sleeping on the train. Transport? It would have cost 2k to transfer my MIL from central Fla to GA, 8 hr drive. I don't see where she feels TX is an option other than you being there. I bet she thought you would fly up to get him and take him back. She is in LaLa land.

Stick by your guns. You were nice the first time you don't have to be the next time. Tell her you owe your father nothing as you owe her nothing. She and he have made it perfectly clear over the years that you and yours were not welcome in their lives. He is her responsibility. That after caring for your "mother", who was there for you, you are getting on with your life.

Remind her he " has continued to make it clear that I am not worthy of consideration throughout adulthood" so why should you consider him worthy of your time now he is declining.  

I love that you said it will be horrible for him to be left in a NH in TX. You still have some compassion. Thats OK but don't let it get you sucked in. I truly believe what goes around comes around. This is his "come around". He is going to be alone because of the choices he made. Sad but both he and her have made their beds.

If she emails you that she is sending him to Texas to be near you, you should respond and state clearly that you will not be involved, you have never had a relationship with him and you will contact law enforcement should she think it is okay to send a vulnerable senior to a state where he has no one to help him. If she has given a diagnosis, reiterate that diagnosis back, as well as any damning verbal response from her to you. This creates a document that will show she knew his situation and was the originator of shipping him off. (In AZ if you put an agreement in writing and the other party doesn't respond within 30 days, it can be considered agreement by lack of disagreement, put it in writing to ensure there is no he said she said.) Maybe put in it that you will not be communicating with her any longer, that covers you if she pulls a stunt.

She is financially responsible for him. I am sure she doesn't want to deal with it but, tough. She and he made choices and now they get to live with the consequences.

You do not have to be involved with either of them in any way shape or form. You are not an awful person, you are being put in an awful situation that needs the brutal truth laid out for her to completely understand.

Stay strong and no guilt, you didn't make the choices that left you without a dad, now it is to late and no one has the ability to fob him off on you unless you allow it.

I would contact your local police and find out how they would deal with this situation and if you need to contact the police in New York to stop her from abandoning her mentally incompetent husband and how you would file charges if she had the audacity to actually put him on a plane.

All wise answers here! Stay strong and stay clear of those two. Block her number. Your father is NOT your responsibility.

"I recently got an email from her telling me that she was looking at homes for him in NY (where they live), and in TX (near me)."

She can think whatever she wants. No "home" is going to take her word for it that you are going to help your father move to Texas. And I don't believe that any "home" is going to allow her to dump him at their doorstep.

I understand the panic; however, remember that she is his wife and she is the one who is legally obligated to care for him or make arrangements for his care. She cannot draft you into his service.

I’m on your side: you’ve told your stepmother this won’t work; now warn her of the dangers of “shipping him off” to you! He needs to be in a care facility where his basic needs are met AND you both get to have some kind of life. Parents need care & some emotional support but they don’t get to wreck our lives. Good
luck with this: decide what you’re willing (or not) to do, and don’t be blackmailed!

Did she just spring this on you out of the blue, or have you and she been discussing your father's care for a little while?

She can place him where ever she wants. Does not mean you have to be involved. If you do get a call saying you were listed as a contact tell them to remove you as you have had not had contact in years and you did not agree to be part of his care team.

If her emails persist you don't have to answer them. Or tell her that he was not a father to you when you were young, so you will not be a daughter to him when he is old.

I think you handled it well by telling her not to expect you to be a caregiver...nor should you feel any obligation to do so just because she doesn’t want to deal with it. Your post made it sound as though she would not be moving with him..is that correct. You said she might dump him there??? So what if she does? You don’t have POA and no obligation towards his care. I would write a very carefully worded letter to her and send it certified as to your decision and you can say the reason if you want. But having it written and sent certified with return receipt verifies and she can’t say you never told her. She sounds like a piece of work.

She's threatening you? Just refuse to be his caregiver, no one can force you. I don't think...

I would consult a lawyer. He/she would be able to help you compose communications in such a way as to avoid unwittingly falling into undesired responsibilities.

I would contact the Dept of Aging in your area and exp lk aun the case and find out what if anything you can do to prevent her from sending him, if you have any responsibilities and then send her a certified letter stating your clear boundaries and if necessary get z third party, preferably z lawyer or social worker to be a contact between you and her,, avoid any direct bnb contact via phone mail or email.

All great answers! And you do not have to participate in his care.
I doubt that you would even be able to get information if she did place him near you. (HIPAA protects patient information to be given unless consent has been signed)
What will happen is she will find it more difficult to manage his care from a distance. If for some reason your name does get included and if he is placed near you if the facility calls you just say...you are not able to make decisions and give the phone number of your step-mother..

You have every right to exclude people from your life that are toxic in any way.
Texas is a state where a child is not responsible for a parents debt so you would be under no obligation to provide financial aid to him. So application for Medicaid would be the option that your step-mother would have to take. (depending on the situation it is possible that she might seek a divorce)

Dont worry. She can get mad all she wants. She can threaten all she wants. If she is legally married to him she will be responsible. She is the spouse. Worse case scenario - she has him driven by ambulance to your house. Very $$$ expensive and would take days. (Doubtful that would happen). You dont have to let him in. You dont have to answer the door. You dont have to answer the phone. Start screening your calls. You are now impossible to get ahold of. Your too busy living your life. Dont answer emails. You had family issues and couldnt get to it. Sorry.
You have to stand up for yourself. Dont get anxious, mad, etc. You say NO. Dont follow no with any explaining or anything else. No is one word answer. It doesnt need an explanation, convincing, or otherwise.
She cant dump him off on you. You dont have to take him. She can find a place for him on her own. That can take a while. Dont get involved in any of it.
If someone tries to threaten you, cajole you, blackmail you, argue with you, embarrass you, throw a tantrum. That is your sign you are being manipulated. Normal people dont do that! They are adults and can understand the word no. Narcissists will never take a normal no and will do their best to force you into what they want. They will just keep changing tactics in order to find out what works.

You dont have to do what she want! Your lucky, plenty of distance between you. Even if she shows up at your door. Dont answer it. Even if she knows your home and the tv is on, and she can hear you breathing. Your still not home. Your phone is now on permanent screening. If you want to answer do it by email only. Send late at night so you dont get an instant response. Then wait days to answer any response, only if you want to.
She cant just dump him off at a nursing home. I dont believe she can take him to a home. Give 1 months rent, then say contact you. Your taking over. I dont think the nursing home staff would allow that. They would want a meeting with you both to get financial info and POA etc. Those meetings take sev hrs. It will all be back on her. You dont have POA anyway.

It is not up to you to care for him. You dont have to visit him or pay for his care. There is a ton of paperwork to go through to put someone in a home. Dont sign anything. Dont go there. Dont go with her there. Dont answer the phone if someone calls from a home. She cant make you do anything. She is hoping to scare you into doing what she wants. Do you really think if there are funds left over, you will see anything?
She was trying to appeal to your greed. And threaten you. She will try crying or helplessness next Im sure. She wants to see if that works.

Dont fall for the guilt or her tantrums. If she doesnt treat you with respect hang up on her, walk away. Dont answer the door or phone, or emails. She cant dump him on you. Even if she drives him right to your front door. Dont answer it or take him in. She will look horrible if she dumps him there and someone sees an elderly person wandering around and calls the cops. I really dont think she would do that. She would probably get in trouble with the law, and its still on her. Not you.

You can stay strong and not give into her. You already answered her. No need to keep emailing. Leave it at that. It will only continue the argument. She is on her own with him.
Stay strong. You can do this. Dont get sucked in!

Keep all emails and do not delete phone call proof from your phone.

If she flips out on you again, let her know that here in Texas (where I am) they don't take kindly to people who abuse the elderly. ;-) Hope this helps. Plus APS is always a good mediator in situations like this.

You told her straight.
I don't think she'll do it...how will she manage all that by herself??

I would write a letter (so she could possibly hear it) about your thoughts and feelings, expressing your boundaries and experience. Talk about your own family and where your priorities lie.

All the best to you, and your dad...

Since you were honest with her and told her you were not capable of helping her then block her calls and/ or don’t answer her emails.

There are a lot of great answers. The only thing I would had is say as little as possible. People who are unreasonable will take what you say and use it against you. Give her little ammunition. I would let a lawyer do any communicating. Good luck.

There are 2 sides to every story and I am in the position of the other side. My husband has one child--a daughter. I have 2 girls of my own. When we married, I made the choice to live in his hometown so he would be close to his daughter as his health had already began to deteriorate. This was a heart condition and not what he is dying from now. She lives 5 miles from us. I had a liver transplant in 2015 and almost died. They had to open me up 3 separate times. I was in the hospital about 6 months due to complications. Up until this point things were fine because my husband had complete control over our finances. When I returned home I found that he had loaned her $6000.00. He even took out "a loan" with our bank to keep her from losing their car. She never made a payment on this loan. He paid the whole amount back to the bank himself. This was all done behind my back. I had encephalopathy very, very bad. As you all no with this condition, when the fluid builds up it affects your brain and a person with this problem cannot function until it is drained from your abdomen. The problems with her did not begin until he asked her to repay or at least pay a little along. She refused and told him she hated him among other choice words. He did not ask her again. This has been 8 years ago. At this time she knew he already had a terminal brain disease.

He asked her at this point to help me out with his care and she replied--Oh No! I will not help! and I resent the fact that you even asked. You need to be put in a nursing home. As a matter of fact, I went for a doctor visit and they decided I needed to stay until they could reduce my potassium. I texted her and told her she needed to arrange for the care of her father as I had been admitted and was not sure for how long. Low and behold, when I got back home (I was only gone 2 1/2 days) she had already contacted his primary doctor to find out all she could and even tried to bring in Hospice as well as contact the VA to see what they would tell her. She learned nothing but the VA had already started their investigation to remove him from his home and take him to the VA Hospital which is about a 2 1/2 hour drive from our home.Now she was 48 years old, had 2 or 3 college degrees and never worked. This is where she became hateful to me and told her father I was the reason she did not come. Her only excuse was I did not carry on a conversation with her and her family when they came to visit. If that is all she can criticize me for, I feel I have done a great job. When she made her visits, she always brings up her Mother and that side of her family. How can a stepmother join in that conversation. During the time I was still in another state getting my liver transplant, she never visited or even carried her father to see me or even called. I guess what topped everything off was what she did instead of checking on her daddy or bring him food (as he was in a wheel chair all the time now) she called her Mother (my husbands ex-wife) and set it up where she would come and sit with him for $50 a day. Her daddy fought for her when she was 5 years old to get her out of the mess she was in staying with her mother. He raised her from that point until she was an adult. She has seen her father 3 times in 5 months and he had to call and beg for those visits. She got tired of trying to come up with an excuse not to stay with him while I was having to go back and forth for follow up visits that SHE GOT A JOB. My children both have full time jobs. One is a Postmaster in a large rural area. She works as much as 65 hours a week. But, when I I call they both drop everything and come--whether it be for him or for me.

So you see, there is 2 sides to every story.

Wow, I must say I understand your situation perfectly. I am coming to the end of my “situation" where my narcissistic mother, who is married for the third time, to a narcissistic man, has put all responsibility of putting my 93 year old grandmother in a nursing home, & left me (her granddaughter, but 50 yrs old, lol) cleaning out her old apt. The difference is I am closer to my grandmother than my mother, so I did it for her. Now all I gotta do is “Just happily visit Grandma".
I will tell you, when dealing with narcissists, your boundaries will have to be very clear. These people do not hear the word “no” & if they do, they ignore it. There are ALOT of good answers so far. You will not be responsible for his care. She is his wife, & is simply wanting to dump it on you. Narcissists show up for all the benefits of everything....then when the good things are gone, will simply try to dump it on another person. They do not hurt or think the same as you or I.
I would simply tell her, that as his wife she is responsible. And tho you love him, you will not take on what is her normal responsibility as his wife. You may have to repeat this several times to make it clear. Hiring a lawyer does not help you since they all want money anyway. By writing here you have already taken a big step, and good for you for valuing yourself enough to say no. Actually, you are quite lucky that they are in another state. You can set those boundaries via email or at some distance...but stick with your decision. It doesn't mean you don't love him, it simply means that you will not let her dump the hard stuff on you. They are very good at that, and also very good at turning everything around to make you feel guilty. This is only a manipulation tactic. I would state my boundaries, then tell her that's the way it's going to be. Try not to fall into arguing as they thrive on this anyway. One thing I learned is to never try to expect a narcissist to act differently than they always have. They will also use different behaviors to guilt you or make you feel like your the one doing wrong. But these other behaviors are also manipulation as the goal remains the same to them. What I heard from you clearly is “no". Do not let them make you question yourself. You are not a bad person, you do not wish harm on anyone, you simply want to live your life the best way you can. Stick with your decision, make it extremely clear, then cut her off. I gotta hand it to you, you are a very smart person. And I am guessing you will find strength you never knew you had. There are a few funny sayings I would love to share with you...these all come from my life coach who helped me through my situation. First, “when you begin to get yelled at by a narcissist for setting your own boundaries...you know you are doing the right thing". Lol. The second is, “There is no need to worry about them, they will TAKE what they need".
I hope I've helped you in some small way to avoid lots of chaos in your future that you choose not to put up with. I learned as I went, and without the wisdom of my life coach, I would not have gotten through mine. That coach became my friend over 8 years. She was the only “normal" person I knew. She was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer, and passed the end of this January. So as I'm sitting here still in my grief....her very words are coming out of my mouth. I am actually learning from you, as I write this, finding out that I'll be ok also.
Narcissists are like vampires, and will suck out every bit of your soul they can. But you are strong enough to draw that line.
Im glad you wrote this, and I wish you good things in your career and future.
Though I do not know you, I also send love and strength. You can do this...you already know what you want.
Just gonna take some love & respect for yourself to stand firm and know that YOU are the normal one. I wish you the “best of all the good things!!!"

Apologies for the spelling mistakes. I know you will read right through them. ↓🙂

Are you an only child? Did your father and step-mother have children? Did she bring children of her own to the marriage?
What about financial concerns ? It is not at all unusual for a married couple leave “all” to surviving spouse . As has been pointed out, the spouses are financially responsible to take care of one another. This is why spouses are Next of Kin, have legal rights, sourvivor benefits ...and the burden of caring for one another in sickness and health.
That being said, take a closer look at what your parents are coping with, and assess what you can do to keep them together as well and for as long as possible.
The alternative for them may be divorce. Each would receive half of the estate, and release them from all the legal bindings of marriage.

If if you have siblings, maybe you all could get together and offer some support?
Old people with physical and mental problems such as dementia can be extremely self centered and downright mean. They also can be very loving. Caregiving is not for everyone.
You know how tough it is as you did care for your mother.

Maybe consider your SM meant looking at homes that would fit into their financial plans, downsizing, one level etc. Maybe looking at retirement communities locally and near your family?

Release childhood conflicts as resentment can only stand in your way to happiness.

Good of wishes for all concerned!

Your best decision in this matter would be to hire an elder estate lawyer.

Hi! So sorry to hear about what's happening in your life right now. A thought or two:

- In my experience, people who automatically flip out on others when they don't get what they want are usually doing that because they've had success in bullying or guilting others into going along with their wishes that way. In this case, she must know that you are a caring and compassionate person and that you carry a deep seated sense of responsibility. But here's the thing - you can still be all of that and NOT take on the responsibility for your father's care.

- My belief is that each person has a certain capacity for caretaking and giving. Obviously some more than others. But you get to choose where you focus that energy. In fact, you HAVE to choose, otherwise you end up depleted and burned out. It is not a case of "you were mean, so I'm not going to be nice now." Rather, you are looking at what you have to care for in your life now - your children, your self, and rebuilding your life - and realizing that you do not have the capacity to take on another elder care situation.

As to boundary setting with bulldozer-types in your life, the only way that I've found success in that is to react immediately to infringement by ending the conversation or the contact. You do not have to read to the end of the email! If you stated your position clearly and respectfully, and within two sentences you see venom building, for God's sake, DELETE, DELETE, DELETE!!! On the phone, as soon as the tirade begins, it's a simple "I will not participate in a conversation like this. Good bye." And hang up. The goal for narcissists is to keep you swirled up and put you on the defense until you give up and see it their way. Remove yourself from that long before you get roped in. One thing I've done, that was helpful, was to practice exactly what I wanted to say, so that when the situation occurred the words would come out without having to really decide on them.

I hope you stick to what you know is right for you and your kids. You don't have the ability to remake your relationship with your father in the way you would have liked it to be. But you do have the opportunity to shape your future with your own children.

Sending you strength and encouragement!