My father has been married to his 2nd wife for the past 30 years. He was neglectful at best during childhood, and has continued to make it clear that I am not worthy of consideration throughout adulthood. His wife encouraged that, and even demanded it from him.
He is now in cognitive decline, and his wife has been caring for him, which I’m sure is no picnic since he has always been pathologically narcissistic - as has she.
I recently got an email from her telling me that she was looking at homes for him in NY (where they live), and in TX (near me).
My stomach dropped, and the thought of being pulled back into the vortex of elder care for my dad after caring for my mom for the past 8 years (who passed last Nov) made me feel trapped and panicky.
It feels like she is trying to fob him off on me.
I don’t wish my Dad ill, and I’ve pretty much forgiven him for his inability to parent, but I just can’t face the thought of having to care for him. I don’t want anything to do with it.
I am just now getting on with my life after my mom died, and I have to build a new career to take care of myself and my own children. I am terrified that I could end up financially responsible for his care, bc I just don’t have it. Moreover, my mom died with more debts than assets, and my dad told me long ago that his wife would get everything (though I’m not sure what, if anything, is left).
I told her, nicely but clearly, that looking at homes in TX was not a good idea and that I would not be able to assist in the search or his care.
In usual fashion, she flipped out on me, and told me that I might regret “playing it out by staying out”(???). I wouldn’t put it past her to send him down to Texas anyway-and I’m terrified that she will.
I need help setting boundaries (she has none), encouragement to stick to my guns, and any words of advice you can offer.
I am not a cruel person, and if she dumps him down here I know it will be terrible for him, but i just can’t sacrifice whatever life I have left to him.
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I told her, nicely but clearly, that looking at homes in TX was not a good idea and that I would not be able to assist in the search or his care.
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In usual fashion, she flipped out on me, and told me that I might regret “playing it out by staying out”(???). I wouldn’t put it past her to send him down to Texas anyway-and I’m terrified that she will."
Seems to me that she can look all she wants. NO facility is going to accept ANYONE without meeting, going over the details, signing paperwork, providing assets, etc.
Even if she did come to TX with him and found a place, someone has to sign and so long as you are not there, you won't be signing anything, therefore you have no responsibility or liability. If she signs him up, pays for x amount of time, books for home and leaves your contact information, and they call, you just tell them you have no POA, no medical directives, no guardianship, no contact, no interest. End of story. NO ONE can make you take this on.
If stepmom is going to rely on Medicaid, guess again witch! You cannot cross state lines and expect this!
As far as her emails or calls, block her phone number and if need be report her emails as spam. They will probably still go to a spam folder, but it is your choice what to do with them - read or DELETE. If she cannot reach you, she will have to look elsewhere.
Certainly do not give in. The best you can do at this point is not accept calls or any other contact. You should not have to contact/pay for any legal advice, because he is HER responsibility. IF, just IF for some reason she shows up with him, call the PD and/or local APS. She CANNOT just leave him as that is elder abuse.
Just repeat to yourself: No means no. That also applies to feeling any guilt - NO!
stuckintx, you have been hurt enough! You have a responsibility to yourself to be emotionally well...much love and many blessings to you and just say NO!!
I want to thank you all for your kind words and support. You also gave me some really smart ideas, that I will absolutely follow-up on. When I wrote that question, I was in a pretty bad state, and I found this network through a google search. The fact that everyone seemed to be "putting it all out there" on this site gave me the courage to write this post in the first place, and for that I'm grateful to everyone who posted.
I certainly understand that there are more than 1 (or even 2) sides to every story, and I am certain that my father's wife has quite a different perspective than I do. I really am sorry for my dad, but I was sorry for him when he married her 30some odd years ago after divorcing my mother because he was cheating on her with his current wife.
I was thinking about him the other day, and I remembered the time (in my 40s I think) when he left me in DC, sick as a dog in a hotel room, after I begged him to stay just one more night, so he could take the kids to a museum the next day. He left, saying he had to get back to play bridge. When I reminded him that he said he didn't have to play until the day after, he replied "I need to get back to plan". I ended up so sick when I finally got home that I had to taketh airport wheelchair service. That was a pretty bleak day, because one continues to hope (as I think all children do no matter how old we are), that we matter to our parents - at least a little. As you might guess, there are many similar stories, which I will not bore you with.
My father was not a monster though, and I continue to be grateful for what he did give me, which was a college degree with no student debt. I have thanked him for this gift many times.
Beyond that, I have neither asked for, nor received, any financial support from him. In addition, I do not feel at all that he "owes" me anything he might have left financially. As I have told him many times, it is his money, not mine, and he is of course free to leave it to anyone he wishes.
I do know that often, I stare so hard and concentrate so much on what I didn't get, that I lose sight of what I did get. I certainly did that with my mother. I am grateful that she and I were able to work some of it through before she died.
I love my father still, not because he earned it but just because he was my father. At the same time, I just can't give up the rest of my adulthood to caring for my father. I find it incredible that his wife (who was never my stepmother as I was 25 when my parents divorced and long out of the house) thinks his care should be my problems because she doesn't want to do it anymore. Sometimes I wish I had the sense of entitlement that it must take to do that - but I was never able to muster it up much.
As you can guess, being raised by two narcissists (my mother was too) was not a good way to learn how to set boundaries - and its something I've struggled with my entire adult life. I have a great therapist though - and, now, a great deal of caring and support from everyone who took time out of their busy days to answer me. Thank you all again, and I will read over your answers whenever I feel the urge to cave in.
Many, Many Thanks
StuckinTexas
(And yes - I moved as far away as I could get as soon as I had the chance - which obviously was not far enough!)
Please come back and tell us what ends up happening. Would love to know house Dads wife handles things.