My father has been married to his 2nd wife for the past 30 years. He was neglectful at best during childhood, and has continued to make it clear that I am not worthy of consideration throughout adulthood. His wife encouraged that, and even demanded it from him.
He is now in cognitive decline, and his wife has been caring for him, which I’m sure is no picnic since he has always been pathologically narcissistic - as has she.
I recently got an email from her telling me that she was looking at homes for him in NY (where they live), and in TX (near me).
My stomach dropped, and the thought of being pulled back into the vortex of elder care for my dad after caring for my mom for the past 8 years (who passed last Nov) made me feel trapped and panicky.
It feels like she is trying to fob him off on me.
I don’t wish my Dad ill, and I’ve pretty much forgiven him for his inability to parent, but I just can’t face the thought of having to care for him. I don’t want anything to do with it.
I am just now getting on with my life after my mom died, and I have to build a new career to take care of myself and my own children. I am terrified that I could end up financially responsible for his care, bc I just don’t have it. Moreover, my mom died with more debts than assets, and my dad told me long ago that his wife would get everything (though I’m not sure what, if anything, is left).
I told her, nicely but clearly, that looking at homes in TX was not a good idea and that I would not be able to assist in the search or his care.
In usual fashion, she flipped out on me, and told me that I might regret “playing it out by staying out”(???). I wouldn’t put it past her to send him down to Texas anyway-and I’m terrified that she will.
I need help setting boundaries (she has none), encouragement to stick to my guns, and any words of advice you can offer.
I am not a cruel person, and if she dumps him down here I know it will be terrible for him, but i just can’t sacrifice whatever life I have left to him.
Please come back and tell us what ends up happening. Would love to know house Dads wife handles things.
I want to thank you all for your kind words and support. You also gave me some really smart ideas, that I will absolutely follow-up on. When I wrote that question, I was in a pretty bad state, and I found this network through a google search. The fact that everyone seemed to be "putting it all out there" on this site gave me the courage to write this post in the first place, and for that I'm grateful to everyone who posted.
I certainly understand that there are more than 1 (or even 2) sides to every story, and I am certain that my father's wife has quite a different perspective than I do. I really am sorry for my dad, but I was sorry for him when he married her 30some odd years ago after divorcing my mother because he was cheating on her with his current wife.
I was thinking about him the other day, and I remembered the time (in my 40s I think) when he left me in DC, sick as a dog in a hotel room, after I begged him to stay just one more night, so he could take the kids to a museum the next day. He left, saying he had to get back to play bridge. When I reminded him that he said he didn't have to play until the day after, he replied "I need to get back to plan". I ended up so sick when I finally got home that I had to taketh airport wheelchair service. That was a pretty bleak day, because one continues to hope (as I think all children do no matter how old we are), that we matter to our parents - at least a little. As you might guess, there are many similar stories, which I will not bore you with.
My father was not a monster though, and I continue to be grateful for what he did give me, which was a college degree with no student debt. I have thanked him for this gift many times.
Beyond that, I have neither asked for, nor received, any financial support from him. In addition, I do not feel at all that he "owes" me anything he might have left financially. As I have told him many times, it is his money, not mine, and he is of course free to leave it to anyone he wishes.
I do know that often, I stare so hard and concentrate so much on what I didn't get, that I lose sight of what I did get. I certainly did that with my mother. I am grateful that she and I were able to work some of it through before she died.
I love my father still, not because he earned it but just because he was my father. At the same time, I just can't give up the rest of my adulthood to caring for my father. I find it incredible that his wife (who was never my stepmother as I was 25 when my parents divorced and long out of the house) thinks his care should be my problems because she doesn't want to do it anymore. Sometimes I wish I had the sense of entitlement that it must take to do that - but I was never able to muster it up much.
As you can guess, being raised by two narcissists (my mother was too) was not a good way to learn how to set boundaries - and its something I've struggled with my entire adult life. I have a great therapist though - and, now, a great deal of caring and support from everyone who took time out of their busy days to answer me. Thank you all again, and I will read over your answers whenever I feel the urge to cave in.
Many, Many Thanks
StuckinTexas
(And yes - I moved as far away as I could get as soon as I had the chance - which obviously was not far enough!)
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I told her, nicely but clearly, that looking at homes in TX was not a good idea and that I would not be able to assist in the search or his care.
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In usual fashion, she flipped out on me, and told me that I might regret “playing it out by staying out”(???). I wouldn’t put it past her to send him down to Texas anyway-and I’m terrified that she will."
Seems to me that she can look all she wants. NO facility is going to accept ANYONE without meeting, going over the details, signing paperwork, providing assets, etc.
Even if she did come to TX with him and found a place, someone has to sign and so long as you are not there, you won't be signing anything, therefore you have no responsibility or liability. If she signs him up, pays for x amount of time, books for home and leaves your contact information, and they call, you just tell them you have no POA, no medical directives, no guardianship, no contact, no interest. End of story. NO ONE can make you take this on.
If stepmom is going to rely on Medicaid, guess again witch! You cannot cross state lines and expect this!
As far as her emails or calls, block her phone number and if need be report her emails as spam. They will probably still go to a spam folder, but it is your choice what to do with them - read or DELETE. If she cannot reach you, she will have to look elsewhere.
Certainly do not give in. The best you can do at this point is not accept calls or any other contact. You should not have to contact/pay for any legal advice, because he is HER responsibility. IF, just IF for some reason she shows up with him, call the PD and/or local APS. She CANNOT just leave him as that is elder abuse.
Just repeat to yourself: No means no. That also applies to feeling any guilt - NO!
stuckintx, you have been hurt enough! You have a responsibility to yourself to be emotionally well...much love and many blessings to you and just say NO!!
- In my experience, people who automatically flip out on others when they don't get what they want are usually doing that because they've had success in bullying or guilting others into going along with their wishes that way. In this case, she must know that you are a caring and compassionate person and that you carry a deep seated sense of responsibility. But here's the thing - you can still be all of that and NOT take on the responsibility for your father's care.
- My belief is that each person has a certain capacity for caretaking and giving. Obviously some more than others. But you get to choose where you focus that energy. In fact, you HAVE to choose, otherwise you end up depleted and burned out. It is not a case of "you were mean, so I'm not going to be nice now." Rather, you are looking at what you have to care for in your life now - your children, your self, and rebuilding your life - and realizing that you do not have the capacity to take on another elder care situation.
As to boundary setting with bulldozer-types in your life, the only way that I've found success in that is to react immediately to infringement by ending the conversation or the contact. You do not have to read to the end of the email! If you stated your position clearly and respectfully, and within two sentences you see venom building, for God's sake, DELETE, DELETE, DELETE!!! On the phone, as soon as the tirade begins, it's a simple "I will not participate in a conversation like this. Good bye." And hang up. The goal for narcissists is to keep you swirled up and put you on the defense until you give up and see it their way. Remove yourself from that long before you get roped in. One thing I've done, that was helpful, was to practice exactly what I wanted to say, so that when the situation occurred the words would come out without having to really decide on them.
I hope you stick to what you know is right for you and your kids. You don't have the ability to remake your relationship with your father in the way you would have liked it to be. But you do have the opportunity to shape your future with your own children.
Sending you strength and encouragement!
What about financial concerns ? It is not at all unusual for a married couple leave “all” to surviving spouse . As has been pointed out, the spouses are financially responsible to take care of one another. This is why spouses are Next of Kin, have legal rights, sourvivor benefits ...and the burden of caring for one another in sickness and health.
That being said, take a closer look at what your parents are coping with, and assess what you can do to keep them together as well and for as long as possible.
The alternative for them may be divorce. Each would receive half of the estate, and release them from all the legal bindings of marriage.
If if you have siblings, maybe you all could get together and offer some support?
Old people with physical and mental problems such as dementia can be extremely self centered and downright mean. They also can be very loving. Caregiving is not for everyone.
You know how tough it is as you did care for your mother.
Maybe consider your SM meant looking at homes that would fit into their financial plans, downsizing, one level etc. Maybe looking at retirement communities locally and near your family?
Release childhood conflicts as resentment can only stand in your way to happiness.
Good of wishes for all concerned!
I will tell you, when dealing with narcissists, your boundaries will have to be very clear. These people do not hear the word “no” & if they do, they ignore it. There are ALOT of good answers so far. You will not be responsible for his care. She is his wife, & is simply wanting to dump it on you. Narcissists show up for all the benefits of everything....then when the good things are gone, will simply try to dump it on another person. They do not hurt or think the same as you or I.
I would simply tell her, that as his wife she is responsible. And tho you love him, you will not take on what is her normal responsibility as his wife. You may have to repeat this several times to make it clear. Hiring a lawyer does not help you since they all want money anyway. By writing here you have already taken a big step, and good for you for valuing yourself enough to say no. Actually, you are quite lucky that they are in another state. You can set those boundaries via email or at some distance...but stick with your decision. It doesn't mean you don't love him, it simply means that you will not let her dump the hard stuff on you. They are very good at that, and also very good at turning everything around to make you feel guilty. This is only a manipulation tactic. I would state my boundaries, then tell her that's the way it's going to be. Try not to fall into arguing as they thrive on this anyway. One thing I learned is to never try to expect a narcissist to act differently than they always have. They will also use different behaviors to guilt you or make you feel like your the one doing wrong. But these other behaviors are also manipulation as the goal remains the same to them. What I heard from you clearly is “no". Do not let them make you question yourself. You are not a bad person, you do not wish harm on anyone, you simply want to live your life the best way you can. Stick with your decision, make it extremely clear, then cut her off. I gotta hand it to you, you are a very smart person. And I am guessing you will find strength you never knew you had. There are a few funny sayings I would love to share with you...these all come from my life coach who helped me through my situation. First, “when you begin to get yelled at by a narcissist for setting your own boundaries...you know you are doing the right thing". Lol. The second is, “There is no need to worry about them, they will TAKE what they need".
I hope I've helped you in some small way to avoid lots of chaos in your future that you choose not to put up with. I learned as I went, and without the wisdom of my life coach, I would not have gotten through mine. That coach became my friend over 8 years. She was the only “normal" person I knew. She was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer, and passed the end of this January. So as I'm sitting here still in my grief....her very words are coming out of my mouth. I am actually learning from you, as I write this, finding out that I'll be ok also.
Narcissists are like vampires, and will suck out every bit of your soul they can. But you are strong enough to draw that line.
Im glad you wrote this, and I wish you good things in your career and future.
Though I do not know you, I also send love and strength. You can do this...you already know what you want.
Just gonna take some love & respect for yourself to stand firm and know that YOU are the normal one. I wish you the “best of all the good things!!!"
He asked her at this point to help me out with his care and she replied--Oh No! I will not help! and I resent the fact that you even asked. You need to be put in a nursing home. As a matter of fact, I went for a doctor visit and they decided I needed to stay until they could reduce my potassium. I texted her and told her she needed to arrange for the care of her father as I had been admitted and was not sure for how long. Low and behold, when I got back home (I was only gone 2 1/2 days) she had already contacted his primary doctor to find out all she could and even tried to bring in Hospice as well as contact the VA to see what they would tell her. She learned nothing but the VA had already started their investigation to remove him from his home and take him to the VA Hospital which is about a 2 1/2 hour drive from our home.Now she was 48 years old, had 2 or 3 college degrees and never worked. This is where she became hateful to me and told her father I was the reason she did not come. Her only excuse was I did not carry on a conversation with her and her family when they came to visit. If that is all she can criticize me for, I feel I have done a great job. When she made her visits, she always brings up her Mother and that side of her family. How can a stepmother join in that conversation. During the time I was still in another state getting my liver transplant, she never visited or even carried her father to see me or even called. I guess what topped everything off was what she did instead of checking on her daddy or bring him food (as he was in a wheel chair all the time now) she called her Mother (my husbands ex-wife) and set it up where she would come and sit with him for $50 a day. Her daddy fought for her when she was 5 years old to get her out of the mess she was in staying with her mother. He raised her from that point until she was an adult. She has seen her father 3 times in 5 months and he had to call and beg for those visits. She got tired of trying to come up with an excuse not to stay with him while I was having to go back and forth for follow up visits that SHE GOT A JOB. My children both have full time jobs. One is a Postmaster in a large rural area. She works as much as 65 hours a week. But, when I I call they both drop everything and come--whether it be for him or for me.
So you see, there is 2 sides to every story.
I am sorry for your situation but it sounds like your stepdaughter is an awful piece of work and the OP is a loving mom and wife as well as a loving daughter to the person who parented her. This is NOT her sperm donor daddy and step-monster.
I don't think she'll do it...how will she manage all that by herself??
I would write a letter (so she could possibly hear it) about your thoughts and feelings, expressing your boundaries and experience. Talk about your own family and where your priorities lie.
All the best to you, and your dad...
You have to stand up for yourself. Dont get anxious, mad, etc. You say NO. Dont follow no with any explaining or anything else. No is one word answer. It doesnt need an explanation, convincing, or otherwise.
She cant dump him off on you. You dont have to take him. She can find a place for him on her own. That can take a while. Dont get involved in any of it.
If someone tries to threaten you, cajole you, blackmail you, argue with you, embarrass you, throw a tantrum. That is your sign you are being manipulated. Normal people dont do that! They are adults and can understand the word no. Narcissists will never take a normal no and will do their best to force you into what they want. They will just keep changing tactics in order to find out what works.
You dont have to do what she want! Your lucky, plenty of distance between you. Even if she shows up at your door. Dont answer it. Even if she knows your home and the tv is on, and she can hear you breathing. Your still not home. Your phone is now on permanent screening. If you want to answer do it by email only. Send late at night so you dont get an instant response. Then wait days to answer any response, only if you want to.
She cant just dump him off at a nursing home. I dont believe she can take him to a home. Give 1 months rent, then say contact you. Your taking over. I dont think the nursing home staff would allow that. They would want a meeting with you both to get financial info and POA etc. Those meetings take sev hrs. It will all be back on her. You dont have POA anyway.
It is not up to you to care for him. You dont have to visit him or pay for his care. There is a ton of paperwork to go through to put someone in a home. Dont sign anything. Dont go there. Dont go with her there. Dont answer the phone if someone calls from a home. She cant make you do anything. She is hoping to scare you into doing what she wants. Do you really think if there are funds left over, you will see anything?
She was trying to appeal to your greed. And threaten you. She will try crying or helplessness next Im sure. She wants to see if that works.
Dont fall for the guilt or her tantrums. If she doesnt treat you with respect hang up on her, walk away. Dont answer the door or phone, or emails. She cant dump him on you. Even if she drives him right to your front door. Dont answer it or take him in. She will look horrible if she dumps him there and someone sees an elderly person wandering around and calls the cops. I really dont think she would do that. She would probably get in trouble with the law, and its still on her. Not you.
You can stay strong and not give into her. You already answered her. No need to keep emailing. Leave it at that. It will only continue the argument. She is on her own with him.
Stay strong. You can do this. Dont get sucked in!
I doubt that you would even be able to get information if she did place him near you. (HIPAA protects patient information to be given unless consent has been signed)
What will happen is she will find it more difficult to manage his care from a distance. If for some reason your name does get included and if he is placed near you if the facility calls you just say...you are not able to make decisions and give the phone number of your step-mother..
You have every right to exclude people from your life that are toxic in any way.
Texas is a state where a child is not responsible for a parents debt so you would be under no obligation to provide financial aid to him. So application for Medicaid would be the option that your step-mother would have to take. (depending on the situation it is possible that she might seek a divorce)
If her emails persist you don't have to answer them. Or tell her that he was not a father to you when you were young, so you will not be a daughter to him when he is old.
luck with this: decide what you’re willing (or not) to do, and don’t be blackmailed!
She can think whatever she wants. No "home" is going to take her word for it that you are going to help your father move to Texas. And I don't believe that any "home" is going to allow her to dump him at their doorstep.
I understand the panic; however, remember that she is his wife and she is the one who is legally obligated to care for him or make arrangements for his care. She cannot draft you into his service.