My father has been married to his 2nd wife for the past 30 years. He was neglectful at best during childhood, and has continued to make it clear that I am not worthy of consideration throughout adulthood. His wife encouraged that, and even demanded it from him.
He is now in cognitive decline, and his wife has been caring for him, which I’m sure is no picnic since he has always been pathologically narcissistic - as has she.
I recently got an email from her telling me that she was looking at homes for him in NY (where they live), and in TX (near me).
My stomach dropped, and the thought of being pulled back into the vortex of elder care for my dad after caring for my mom for the past 8 years (who passed last Nov) made me feel trapped and panicky.
It feels like she is trying to fob him off on me.
I don’t wish my Dad ill, and I’ve pretty much forgiven him for his inability to parent, but I just can’t face the thought of having to care for him. I don’t want anything to do with it.
I am just now getting on with my life after my mom died, and I have to build a new career to take care of myself and my own children. I am terrified that I could end up financially responsible for his care, bc I just don’t have it. Moreover, my mom died with more debts than assets, and my dad told me long ago that his wife would get everything (though I’m not sure what, if anything, is left).
I told her, nicely but clearly, that looking at homes in TX was not a good idea and that I would not be able to assist in the search or his care.
In usual fashion, she flipped out on me, and told me that I might regret “playing it out by staying out”(???). I wouldn’t put it past her to send him down to Texas anyway-and I’m terrified that she will.
I need help setting boundaries (she has none), encouragement to stick to my guns, and any words of advice you can offer.
I am not a cruel person, and if she dumps him down here I know it will be terrible for him, but i just can’t sacrifice whatever life I have left to him.
She is financially responsible for him. I am sure she doesn't want to deal with it but, tough. She and he made choices and now they get to live with the consequences.
You do not have to be involved with either of them in any way shape or form. You are not an awful person, you are being put in an awful situation that needs the brutal truth laid out for her to completely understand.
Stay strong and no guilt, you didn't make the choices that left you without a dad, now it is to late and no one has the ability to fob him off on you unless you allow it.
I would contact your local police and find out how they would deal with this situation and if you need to contact the police in New York to stop her from abandoning her mentally incompetent husband and how you would file charges if she had the audacity to actually put him on a plane.
Does Dad have money to keep him in an AL or NH in Texas? If not, Medicaid in Tx will not pay for his care because he is not a resident. She may not realize this. I also would change my phone #s. Why? Her for one reason and second if she is successful getting him to TX, she will be giving your contact info to the home and they will be calling you instead of her.
Really, I think the move to Texas will not happen when she sees how much is involved with getting him there. A plane will not work if he is incontinent. It will take 3 days of driving, staying in Motels 2 nights. Train, same thing, some sleeping on the train. Transport? It would have cost 2k to transfer my MIL from central Fla to GA, 8 hr drive. I don't see where she feels TX is an option other than you being there. I bet she thought you would fly up to get him and take him back. She is in LaLa land.
Stick by your guns. You were nice the first time you don't have to be the next time. Tell her you owe your father nothing as you owe her nothing. She and he have made it perfectly clear over the years that you and yours were not welcome in their lives. He is her responsibility. That after caring for your "mother", who was there for you, you are getting on with your life.
Remind her he " has continued to make it clear that I am not worthy of consideration throughout adulthood" so why should you consider him worthy of your time now he is declining.
I love that you said it will be horrible for him to be left in a NH in TX. You still have some compassion. Thats OK but don't let it get you sucked in. I truly believe what goes around comes around. This is his "come around". He is going to be alone because of the choices he made. Sad but both he and her have made their beds.
So what?
You are not obligated to provide for him. Ignore her emails. You've set a healthy boundary. Continue to observe it.
I understand the panic and anxiety. Remember that it's YOUR choice what or how much you do. Including nothing at all.