How to start the conversation with my husband to move my mother-in-law into either a nursing home or skilled nursing facility?
My mother-in-law had a massive stroke in July of this year after years of unmanaged diabetes. We found out after the stroke that she also has high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and a heart murmur (all ignored by her for many years.) Because of the stroke, she lost the ability to read, write, and communicate. She was diagnosed with extreme expressive and receptive aphasia, meaning she has severe trouble understanding/comprehending and communicating. She came home from the rehab facility on August 2nd and I've been taking care of her since. I'm not a medical professional and have had to learn everything on my own through Google and asking her doctors a million questions. My husband works full-time and is supporting us. I get no breaks and no relief since her family doesn't help. My husband is an only son so he understandably feels obligated to take care of his mom. However, I am the one who handles everything. I take care of her medications, make all her meals, take her to all of her appointments, etc. I have gotten more and more resentful as time goes on because I've lost my freedom. My mother-in-law lives with us and before her stroke, we were trying to find her an apartment so we could have our home back.
I have tried bringing up the subject of placing her in a facility because I just can't take it anymore; I feel like the stress is going to kill me. My husband is against putting her in a home and we both get upset when the topic is brought up.
She will receive help from the state in January so we will be able to pay a professional caregiver to come in a few days a week. However, I still don't want her living with us, as terrible as that sounds. I miss my life with my husband and want it back. I'm 27 and I feel trapped and like this is going to be my life forever.
Any suggestions on how to have a real conversation about moving his mom into a facility?
Hon, I know you love your Mom. So you will want to get the best LONG TERM plan for her.
We stepped in to help. But that isn't going to work going forward.
Let's work together to find the appropriate, long term care solution.
(That's my polite response btw. If you have tried that already multi times & getting the brickwall, I have others... )
Next polite response is 'The Chat + I am going away for the weekend with my gal pals'.
You DO have power here if even you don't feel like it right now.
At the heavy duty end (many steps until that is needed) there is this story: One poster's husband threatened divorce if she refused to continue MIL-care. So she took the kids & left. Leaving him with no family & all the Mom-care.
I love your "nice" chat and "not-so-nice" chat suggestion lol
I wouldn't let hubs think that the aides are going to fix everything. 168 hours in a week, minus 30 hours of aide time (and 30 is pretty generous) is 138 hours left that YOU have to handle, plus supervise the aides.
I'd sit him down and say hey. This is a long-term situation. How old is this lady, in her 50s, early 60s? She could be like this for decades, and you do not want to spend your prime years doing this.
Having the aides come gives you and him time to find a place. Set a deadline of about six months to find a place for Mom. You also should start working independently or going to school in the meantime, so that hubs can see that you can go on just fine at 27 without him.
How many other siblings are there? This is interesting, as it is often daughters who are expected to take on the care of an elder. Of course, HE isn't the one taking care of her. He's foisted that off on a female -- you.
So Gloria is 72, and you are 27, married 5 years and no kids. You are sacrificing earning retirement credits and money while doing free slave caregiving for Gloria. And your H is apparently okay with this.
Is this the kind of marriage you want? Is this the kind of life you want? This living situation seem intolerable, and you are being taken advantage of in a massive way.
What are some steps you can take to start to make changes, with or without your H's agreement? We can be a sounding board and give you encouragement and ideas.
Please keep us updated!
Sometimes people are fearful of facilities because they have old concepts of them in their minds. Many of the new ones are wonderful places (my MIL is in such a one). Maybe you can go visit a nice one (with or without him). Take videos to show him. He must also realize that his mom needs other stimulation and social connection than just you two. She would get this in a reputable place. How does he know that she doesn't feel like a horrible burden and it's depressing her? She can't communicate that.
Do you ever plan to start your own family? If so, does your husband think you both will take care of a child plus his mom? Her needs may (and probably will) increase over time and as she ages. Also, I hope you are not paying for any of her care, as this is also unsustainable and damaging. I wish you both much wisdom and clarity and peace in your heart about the outcome.
Your mil is 72 and with good care, will likely live for another 10 to 20 years.
Is this the marriage you signed up for? Do you have a career that you've but on hold?
What are your and your husband's retirement plans/savings? You live in NJ, which has a high cost of living. Do you have your own money? Your own SS credits? What would become of you if he decides, after a few decades of you caring for mom that he wants to replace you? Will you have the ability to take up where you left off, working?
Did you plan to have children? Is that feasible while caring for husband's mom?
It seems as though there had been a plan for her to live elsewhere before her stroke. Husband was okay with THAT plan, just opposed to Nursing Homes?
Call your local Area Agency on Aging and get a needs Assessment. Find out what level of care and supervision she needs. Then tour the facilities and find some that are acceptable that she can afford, or that accept Medicaid, if that is the funding model you have to work with.
When you have a plan, take husband out and present the plan. Not an ultimatum. Take him on tours. Talk about your (plural) hopes and dreams and let him talk about his. Think about seeing a marriage counselor, or getting a therapist for yourself to talk about all this.
Good luck.
If so she should be providing some compensation. Paying 1/3 (if there are 3 of you in the house) of all expenses.
Any other savings or income she has should be paying for a caregiver NOW not in a few months when the State kicks in a few hours of caregiving.
I think a tour of a few Skilled Nursing facilities will open your husbands eyes that they are not all what he may have in his mind of the "old" nursing homes that he sees on TV.
I think while your husband is at home you step back and do NONE of the caregiving. If he leaves for work at 7am he gets up 2 hours early, he gets ready then he gets his mom ready. Toileting, a bath or shower if needed, dressing her and breakfast and any meds. Then he can go to work. As soon as he gets home you step back again and he changes her, gets her ready for dinner, he helps feed her if necessary and he finishes the day by getting her ready for bed. IF she gets up in the middle of the night, or calls out HE he gets up to see what needs to be done.
If there are siblings near by have the said they do not want to help or has he not asked them? If they have said they do not want to help then those boundaries have to be respected but if he has not asked then they should be asked.
(by the way they get no say when it comes to placing your MIL in a facility...if they don't help they don't get an opinion in the decision)
I truly dis like ultimatums but you really need to let him understand how you feel. This could be a "it's her or me" decision for him.
When you get married your priority becomes your spouse, your children NOT your parents.
I don't think you want to be a caregiver for the next 10, 20 years. And I doubt you want to bring children into a household where they are not a priority. (If you are not a priority I doubt that he would think his children are. )
I'm also curious why you brought her home from rehab, rather than having her become a permanent Long Term Care resident.
What was the plan at that time?
As for your husband feeling obligated to take care of his mother. He's not actually taking care of her though. You are. I will tell you something. I'm some few years older than you and have worked in senior homecare for almost as long as you've been alive.
My father had a stroke three years ago that left him in about the same state as your MIL. He went into a nursing home. Even though I have many years of caregiving experience, I knew I could not take that on. You can't either.
Speak to your husband plainly and tell him that you know he wants to take care of his mother, but that he isn't actually taking care of her. Let him know that all her care needs even when homecare services start cannot be properly addressed in a private home. I'm going to assume that you and your husband are not millionaires who can privately hire a 24-hour staff of nurses, aides, physical/occupational therapists, and a social director to plan activities and socialization that your MIL will be able to participate in. You probably can't turn your house into an area that's fully handicapped accessible either, including a bathroom where mother can be showered regularly by her staff.
Point out these things to your husband. Also tell him that his mother isn't getting the level of care she needs because no one person can provide it. Hopefully, he will listen and see reason. If he doesn't, move out for a while.
Please don't throw your life away taking care of someone else's Mom for free in your twenties, or thirties. You will regret it the rest of your life and you can never, ever recapture your wasted youth.
I don't have any suggestions on how to bring up the subject, other than checking out some Nursing Homes in person, speaking to staff, getting brochures - and then being excited about the one you found that'd be perfect for her when you tell him about it.
Think long and hard about your future, please. Now is the time to do it. Don't put it off.
I would point out that a facility would be basically the same situation, him delegating others to take care of mom.
Honestly, she would probably do better with people that are in similar situations. Activities are geared towards capabilities. There are always people to be with and you guys can provide enrichment activities to improve her quality of life.
Making the decision to place a parent is gut wrenching and I believe one of the hardest things we will ever have to do. I bawled for weeks, never in front of my dad but, every single day, multiple times. I felt like the worse daughter on the planet. I also knew that his care needs we beyond me and love means making the best choices for them, based on facts and reality, not emotions or obligation, no matter how hard it is for us.
Putting someone in a facility doesn't mean walking away. It means your care roll shifts to advocate, enrichment provider and loving family.
You do the research to find the best facility and you make sure that she is being well cared for by visiting regularly and dealing with issues as they arise and if needed, you move her to a different facility. You report the facility to the proper authorities if they are neglecting their charges. You be her eyes, ears and mouth. It is still a lot of work but, it is more manageable because you aren't being worn out with the cooking, cleaning, laundry, medication management, doctor visits, etc, etc.
If I was in your shoes, I would acknowledge how hard it is for him, I would find out what her financial resourses are and if she needs or could qualify for Medicaid, I would find facilities that can meet her care needs, now and as she progresses, I would do the research that tells you what the ratings really are. Then I would ask him to please hear me out and share all of the above and tell him that it is too much for you. That you would rather be her advocate, visitor and loving DIL. If he gets angry, you can always place all her care on him and go get a job. Sometimes, men especially, don't get how hard it is to be a caregiver that is handling everything. It sucks your life force and can make you physically sick, so they need to get their hands dirty, lose sleep, have more to do then hours in the day before they get it.
Don't argue or fight, just tell him as many times as needed that this is to much for you. Not everyone is a caregiver and that is okay.
Is your husband a great deal older then you or did his mom wait to have children until she was in her 40s?
Thanks for your advice!
If she is going to get help in your home, she/you have applied for Community Medicaid. She may have to separately apply for Long Term Care Medicaid. Different requirments.
Are you working with an Eldercare attorney or Medicaid planner?
Her car should be sold and her credit cards cancelled. The CC companies can go pound sand: her SS is protected from from being garnished.
It sounds like she was having either cognitive issues or mental health challenges BEFORE the stroke. She was living beyond her means and not using "executive functioning" to plan for the future.
I trust that your DH has POA because it sounds very much like she needs a conservator or guardian at this point
I will look into selling her car and getting rid of those credit cards.
Thank you!
A car is an exempt asset. If you sell the car, she may no longer qualify for Medicaid.
If she stops paying on the CCs, she may receive 1099s from those companies.
Get some expert advice about this.
The biggest sticking point I think will be your DH. That "I am the son. I must help my Mother" duty. It is admirable of course.
(My DH has it too & boy do his Mum & sisters know how to push that button for him to fly into 'fix-it' mode!)
At present he may think YOU (being the good DIL) providing the care is the best way to care for his Mom. Take that as the compliment it is.
A shift in his thinking needs to happen to support the new view that *other people* ie non-you people can also care for his Mom. Then he will feel OK about her move into a care facility (maybe not happy, but something like acceptance).
Having professional aides take over from you in the home first can be a way to move that process along.
It's an adjustment of letting go - of the thinking that only you can do it.
I have watched my parents go through this & learn to accept aides now with much resistance, then acceptance & success. But I have also heard of many that will not change their mindset & have even succumbed to cancer, stroke, heart attack themself as they run themselves into the ground caregiving & neglected their own health & life. They never accepted anyone else could take care of their parent like they could. But once they are disabled or dead, the next closest NOK promptly moves the elder into care - who lives on, often well.
If it were me, I’d try dropping the LTC talk for a while (just a while - hold that thought). Tell him that you’re burnt out, and that taking care of her is too hard on you. THEN suggest that you go back to work, and he take some time off so that he can look after her instead. Maybe if he does the deep and dirty work for weeks on end, he’ll start to realize just how much work it really is, and how unsustainable it truly is.
If that doesn’t work with you for whatever reason, maybe you try telling him that you want to be taking care of babies, not his mother.
If kids aren’t on your agenda, then just tell him the truth. That you can’t do it anymore and that you want your space back. That you miss how you two used to be, having sex on the kitchen table, and walking around naked. All that stuff that young newlyweds do. Ask for a timeline. A move out date, so that it’s not you that’s moving out.
When my husband and I got engaged, it was difficult because his mother was against the match, and didn’t like me. She was desperately trying to hang onto him, and sabotaged our relationship from the get-go. However, he was equally desperate for an escape, and we were so in love. I told him that for it to work, I would have to come first in his life. He said I would always be (and I was until we had kids, and then you just put kids first as parents, it’s just what you do). But there’s not a doubt in my mind that he puts me before his soul-sucking mother. If you don’t feel first, you feel last, and that is no place to be in a marriage.
Then my mom tried to find him a wife who'd go along with the super-conservative culture of having MIL live with her forever. She found one, and I was sent to vet her. I came back and told my mom that no way was she going to do this. Which was correct. The MIL at that point had no ADL issues before DIL kicked her out.
Were there cultural expectations with your husband? Is his family not Americanized, really?
Most financial "advisors" are salesmen and have no understanding of Medicaid or the ramifications of selling cars, defaulting in CCs, etc. If this person knew this stuff, they would have advised you to get rid of the car payment before applying for Medicaid.
Please find a CERTIFIED Eldercare attorney who understands NJ Medicaid before you do ANYTHING.
This is between you and the Mister, and it is unfair for him to expect you to provide the level of care you have been unless the two of you are on the same page. Which, in order to be, you'd have liked the MIL to begin with, whereas you clearly don't.
I'd get with an attorney or Medicaid planner right now and determine how to exactly sell this vehicle without triggering Medicaid, i.e. having you guys take on the loan so as to discharge it and then immediately selling the veh. As far as credit card companies, I'd just take the cards away and cancel them.
Again, if you were going to be besties with the MIL, that would have already happened. Clearly before, you had at least a sense of distance. Honor that.
I will also ask, in this situation is there expected reciprocity if one or both of your parents gets sick enough to require this? If you expect that one day you'll move your mom or dad in 20 years hence, this will just cause more problems especially if you "got" her kicked out. Boundaries are mutual after all.
You need this income. Which is sounding like MIL's care needs to be expedited. Frankly, I'd let the repo guys tow her 2016 or prior car while literally cutting up her credit cards. Limit the damage there. And then make it clear that this is not going to go on for years. Not even one.
The priority is getting her out.
It is well worth the money spent to get this right.
I read where your husband is going to start taking over some care, please let him do it his way and don't interfere with it. This will help him see how hard it is and keep you guys from bickering about MIL issues.
Just curious, does he work 50 hours or is he including his commute time in that? He seriously said he couldn't do more because he works 50 hours? He's only 32, he should be able to work 14-16 a day and not feel it. Sorry, I'm gobsmacked because I worked 14 hours a day outside the home and took care of my family and home when I was his age.
You are making good progress, prayers that she gets into a facility that can meet her needs soon.
I had a long in depth talk with my husband and after the initial hesitation, he was very receptive! We worked out a chore chart for the house where he will be responsible for more things around the house. We agreed we will handle her care (medication management, appointments, therapy, etc.) together moving forward so it isn't all on me. He also is willing to go with me to do a tour of a few skilled nursing facilities. This is a huge step forward!! Thank you to everyone for your advice and encouragement! We still have a long way to go, but I'm much more positive since I now have my husband on board. Thank you all again!