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My mother lives with me and my hubby ( rent free, meals included, so she can save her money, shes on a long waiting list for an apartment ). Well apparently she likes to talk crap about me and her free living conditions to a sister who hasn't lifted a single finger to help her since my dad died. this sister likes to hear what I don't do for mom instead of EVERYTHING I actually do do for her. THIS particular sister likes to start crap and act like she knows whats best for our mother even though she hasn't lifted a darn finger to do a single darn thing for our mother. Fact is she LOVES mom being so far away so she dosent REALLLY have to lift a finger to help, just likes to tell everyone else what SHOULD be done. Other than just dropping mom off on her( sister ) doorstep
( so she can do it better ) any Ideas on how to keep do nothing siblings from interfering?? This daughter hasn't even seen this mother she cares so much about in MORE THAN A YEAR, yet she wants to interfere and tell people what should be done ?? I have already blocked this sister from MY life so she trys to get to me through other family members. If this sister thinks she can do so much better why dosent she step up to the plate ??? I'll tell you why because shes nothng but a WALKING EXCUSE. . Its wonderful to know after everything me and my hubby have done for my mom in the last year and a half that she talks crap about us behind our backs. How disgusting is THAT ?? I'm at my whit's end with this situation. I sure have learned the HARD TRUTH about my family in the last year and a half, and it isn't pretty !!!!!!! The only thing that keeps me going is knowing there is ( supposed to be ) a light at the end of the tunnel ( my mom having her own place where she can talk crap about me ALL she wants)

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Poster, after reading your second post about how strongly you feel about mom HERSELF doing this, why not try those suggested words with her? And tell her that you absolutely don't want to hear those conversations. "Go to your room...wait til I'm out. STOP IT!"

Or better yet, "Mom, I'll help you pack. Where are you going? I'll call a cab."
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Well, I tend to excuse mom simply because she doesn't have much to talk about. As mom got older and her world began shrinking, her conversations often were gossiping about others. She loved nothing more than to find someone who would. eagerly commisserate with her. Sigh. I must say, though, that it was never about me, God bless her soul.

Since you've said that you've cut off contact with this sister, I'd start drawing boundaries with those who carry tails from her. Stop them in their tracks.

"Lalalalala...I can't hearrrrr youuuu." And then go on to say something like, "Look, we do the best we can having mom here. It breaks my HEART to hear about all the things we're supposedly doing wrong. What's RIGHT here is that mom is loved and safe and cared for at absolutely no cost to her. If there's anyone else who thinks they can do better? The line forms at the front door."

"If those with negative opinions really cared? They'd be enrichimg mom's life by sending her thinking of you cards...a present on her birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas...come to visit her...and NOT just spend their "supposed caring for mom time" criticizing the only people in her life who are there for her 100% right now. In short, I DONT WANT TO HEAR THIS **** ANY MORE!!!"

Whatever the words, memorize them. You'll only need them once per person.
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Golflady, welcome to the club! Good vent! There are many of us that have similar stories and imagine if your mom had dementia and siblings were in denial of how sick mom was. I see your mom has general age related decline, maybe dementia is beginning to develop? Come on over to the dysfunctional thread there are many of us there. That thread at least helps me to feel not so alone and I receive support that without I would not have been able to provide four years of care.

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/The-Caregiver-Dysfunctional-Families-149068.htm
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In fact shes ( sister ) probably reading this right now ( she likes to spy on me here since she "accidently" ran across a post of mine ). But Im not letting that stop me from venting here because without this place my hub would be the only one, and that's not fair to him. He married me, not my mother and me. Thank god for this website and knowing how many people are in the same boat, so I know Im not just bat s#@t crazy for feeling the ways I do..........
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Me and my husband have a 9 day vacation planned for next month. I was feeling guilty ( HUH ??? ) about it until this morning. Now Im going with a HUGE smile on my face. we DESERVE a vacation and its not coming fast enough. I guarantee you this sister wont volunteer to have mom at her house even for a couple of weeks. Its much easier for her to complain to everyone than it is to do something about something.
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Guilt is way overrated. Especially when misplaced.
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how am I supposed to have ANY respect for a mother that talks nasty about me behind my back even though I am the ONLY one of her daughters to lift a finger to help her ?? I cant even look her in the eye now days much lest respect her.
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Ouch.

Sending you waves of empathy across the ocean. I can feel fury boiling up in me just imagining how you feel. The ingratitude and the injustice of it are so hurtful.

As I type, I'm missing my aunt's funeral. Actually there are complex reasons for that, some good - I am genuinely waiting for a phone call about a job that I really need, the journey would cost money that I don't really have to spend - and some not good: primarily that my brother and SIL will be there and I can't stand to be in a confined area with them.

But you and I need not to let our feelings about a given sibling impact on us. Somehow. God knows how - if I knew then a) I'd pass it on and b) I wouldn't be sitting here reading, I'd be supporting my cousin and her brothers. So I have no advice because I haven't worked this problem out. I just know that somehow we need to get hold of it and shake it.

Have you tried writing down what you'd say to her in an imaginary conversation? That can help, at least to get your feelings organised. Hugs to you, this is an awful way to feel and I'm really sorry for it.
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Golflady, I believe you may get helpful ideas if you would describe the situation better. How old is Mom and what is her diagnosis or limitations? Clearly, my thoughts would differ if she was 75 and in decent health vs. 92 with dementia.
And how is it that you learn of your Mom and sister's transgressions? That would be helpful to know as well.
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I think most families have a lot of dysfunction and the care of the parent is often an issue. For some reason, the one who does the least is the biggest complainer and the one who does the least is the least appreciated. I'm not sure why it's like that so often.

It sounds like you already did one good thing by blocking the phone calls. If she continues to speak to other family members, then I might just ask them to keep it to themselves and that I wasn't interested. Unless she has a valid concern that should be given consideration, I wouldn't listen to it. If he hasn't seen your mom in over a year, I can't imagine what criticism she might have.

If she's a viable option as a caregiver, you might ask her pointblank if mom could go and stay with her for awhile. Maybe that would cause her to back off.
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