My mother is in the hospital going on over a month, her health is declining everyday. The doctors told me she is bleeding everyday and we need to put her on blood thinners so she doesn't have another stroke, but if we put her on blood thinners she could possible bleed to death, that it was up to me as to what i want to do. Every week she basically needs two units of blood transfusions. They asked me if she goes into cardiac arrest, do i want them to resuscitate, after they explained me what could happen, i decided not too. i cant help to feel like the worst person out there, i know its just a "what if", but I've seen her with a breathing tube after gallbladder surgery and it killed me to see my mom like that, i am not sure if i made the right choice. I sometimes feel as if i failed my mom as a daughter that i would want to kill her off, i am so confused, and i feel guilty everyday.
Is she conscious and coherent? Can you even discuss this with her now? Does she have an advance directive (living will) that explains her outlook and attitude about end-of-life issues? If she does, read that over and make your decisions as best you can in accordance with her wishes. If she doesn't, then maybe it is she who failed as a mother and left you with these decisions with no guidance.
But that is nonsense. I just said it to make a point. Neither of you is "failing" in your roles. You, dear daughter, are doing the best you can with VERY difficult choices.
I hope you can lose the guilt. (Unless I'm wrong, and you really do want to kill her off -- then you should feel guilty.) If it linger even though you don't deserve it, push it out of the way and make the best decisions you can in spite of it. What should be driving your actions is what is best for mother (as imperfectly as you can see that), and not what will help you feel less guilty.
I am so very sorry you are in this position. (Sorry that your mother is, too, of course.) Do your best, in love.
no, she isnt coherent, maybe 10 yrs ago when i was 17 or 18 yrs old before she started getting sick she did tell me that the reason she had me so late in life was to take care of her if anything happen ( i know she was kidding about that, but i took it seriously) and then she laughed but she did tell me being seriously that didn't want to be on life support ever or do not ever put her in a nursing home, i have respected her and not put her in a nursing home, i am trying to get her on hospice when she gets out the hospital.
I am really trying, i do keep telling me self, that every thing i do for her, is for her best interest. i just really hate that i got stuck in this position. i keep praying and telling my self that is she does go into cardiac arrest that its just gods way of saying its time for her to go home, and that i cant be selfish, i need to just let her rest in peace.
I worked in a hospital many years ago and saw them try to resuscitate an elderly lady whose heart had stopped. There were probably 6-8 people in her brightly lit room. Different medical personnel were pounding on her chest and doing CPR to try to revive her. It was NOT a peaceful way to go, it was loud and felt chaotic/frantic to me (as an observer). I vowed at that time that I wouldn't put my loved ones through that. My mom has a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order on her and I'm at peace that she feels that way too. I think you made the right decision.
Hugs...what you're going through is tough on anyone who loves their parent.
I have decided that mom has suffered enough and I would like to get hospice involved now.
I am sorry if I misunderstood what you were saying.
Patrice
Ask her doctor if it's time to consider hospice for mom. Sounds like it might be. And remember that YOU don't make that decision. You, her doctor and hospice come to a consensus. It may be time.
It's to do with informed consent. Each patient, and therefore the patient's appointed POA, which would be you, has the right to be presented with all of the clinical information on which to base his or her free decisions about treatment. This is of course A Good Thing, compared with the bad old days when high-handed clinicians made sweeping judgements about what patients should be told and, essentially, played God.
But what is a lousy and mean thing is to say to a loving daughter: "your mother is between a rock and a hard place. Which would you prefer her to come up against?" This has nothing to do with informed consent and everything to do with abdicating clinical responsibility in a situation where there are no certainties and all of the available choices have frightening drawbacks.
You have every right to go back to whichever of your mother's doctors you feel the most confidence in and say "tell me what to do. If it were your mother, what would you do and why would you make that choice?"
The decisions you are being asked to make are terrifying because they are so potentially significant. You are afraid of getting it wrong. If you were taking this in your stride and not questioning whether you were making the right choice, then that might make you, if not the worst, certainly the most unthinking person out there.
Review the decisions you've made with a qualified practitioner you trust to be truthful. Once you've done that, you have done the very best you can do and guilt has no business tormenting you again.
Blannie, everything u said about when u seen them do it to a elderly lady, I kept thinking of my mom and I would never want them to do that to her.
Maryanne56, Hospice sounds like something I would very much like, the lady broke down how it works and it made me feel a little at easy.
MaggieMarshall, I am doing it my self, cause my dad doesn't quite understand what’s going on, he doesn't speak English very well and doesn't comprehend things like the average Joe, it takes him a while, I have to explain things to him and he has me doing all the medical, legal and Financial responsibilities (that all use to be my moms job). I know I wasn't going to have my mom for the rest of my life that would be selfish, but reality is hitting home hard.
Countrymouse, thank you, all of yall are helping me with this. And Patrice2oz is right u did give me excellent advice
Terryjack1, her quality of life is poor, she doesn't want to eat (thank goodness she has a peg tube), she doesn't want to talk, she is crying everyday and sleeps. We have never spoken in the pass about stuff like this, because we never thought we would ever be in situation. I did ask the Dr and she told me if it was her mom she would put her on blood thinners.
Thank you, everyone!!! Today I am feeling a little bit better, I just need to keep praying that I have done the right thing for my mom, and based on what all of yall are telling me I feel as if I have made the right choice. I have lost my grandmother and sister, my sister was unexpectedly and my grandma I seen it coming about 4 months prior, those were both are to take it but I dealt with them in the best possible way, with my grandma I kind of mentally prepared my self for it, but then again I wasn't as close as I am with my mom. I keep trying to prepare my self for it for my mom, and it’s just seems impossible, I feel like that’s going to be my breaking point.