How do you think you will feel when your parent is gone?
I've been thinking about this question since my Mom died, 8 months ago. I've come on this site now and then since Mom's death. I'm still very grief stricken, missing her so much every day. I see things written about the problems, the frustrations, the anguish that caregiving entails. I recall my own previous posts, asking for input on this, that, and the other. Hindsight is always an eye opener. I wish I would've done this better, and that better, been less impatient, had told Mom more often about what a great Mom she was to me, etc. etc. It goes on and on. Even though I mostly lovingly cared for Mom as best I could, I know now I could've done better. But at the time, going through the daily routine of caregiving, I was in the moment...just not aware of how suddenly it would come to a screeching halt (which happened in my scenario), and I would never get the chance for a "do-over." The finality is horrible. I want to grab her back. What would you think you would feel when your person is gone? Will it be relief? Freedom? Emptiness? Sadness? What do you think you may wish you could've/would've done differently? Maybe you could be lucky enough to do some of those things now, while you can, instead of thinking sadly, "if only I had her back for a little while longer."
For mine, will probably be a mixed bag, hard to predict. She did pull a couple of stunts which, as someone else stated, would have put her butt in jail if it became known. However, as a single parent and no help from the other, I had no recourse, I had no idea what was normal, what was crazy. In some ways I won't miss her a bit, but I think eventually the good times will make me sad.
My biggest fear is which parent would be the surviving spouse.... Dad [93] would be happy as a clam living in a tent in my backyard.... my Mom [97] wouldn't want to leave their large house, nor have anyone come in to help her except me, and I am too old for that now. I would probably have a nervous breakdown dealing with that situation.
Like someone else had mentioned earlier, I hope I can outlive them.
I learned that it was not healthy for me to deny the grief, or try to pretend it wasn't important.
The best advice I found was from the booklet "Experiencing Grief" by H. Norman Wright. In the middle of the booklet he drew a simple illustration of what happens when a person is in "denial" of the grief in their heart. All sorts of bad feelings sprout from that person's denial, and it can end up hurting the people around them.
PS. I'm hoping I can out live them!
I have a supportive job and thank goodness to FMLA - could take time off when needed. I worked less than a mile from home so I could get there quickly. Overall, good situation - but still tough to go through.
My biggest issue is that I need to talk about the final day - in detail - to someone, but everyone wants to give advise, or tell me not to feel guilty. I don't feel guilty. I know I gave my mom all I could. I had reached the point where I was ready to get back to my life. She was afraid of dying, so she held on longer than most people would have and then she started having night terrors fairly regularly.
Everyone asks if she died peacefully. Not even close - which is why I need to talk about it. She fought right to the end.
I have finally emailed a good friend and made and appointment to talk. She is the best listener I know. I let her know what I need - so she is prepared for everything.
I am hoping that helps to slow down the tears. They come when I least expect them.
You never know what you have until it's gone and the one thing caregiving does is take away your freedom. I look forward to having my freedom. To come and go as I please with no more worry. Yes, I will miss Mom, but I look forward to a new day for me.
In my own family, I see those that grieve the longest usually have some sense of regret; be it real or imagined (usually imagined). I've heard "we should have changed doctors, if only we went to another hospital, maybe this, if only that". Just makes me shake my head in disbelief.
Life is a gift and we all have only so many days and how we leave or when is not up to us (normally). So enjoy your life, be kind to others and realize that it is not all about you and your feelings!
Those of you who continue caring for family who were cruel and abusive to you are true testaments to how we are to love each other.
Dad's death was difficult because, like yours, he should have been imprisoned for what he did to us kids - if the truth were known. We were forced by our mother to stay together as a family, which meant staying with our abuser. How sick is that? I love my mother - don't get me wrong - but some days I wonder if she stayed with him out of strength or weakness. I know the reason she *tells* me she stayed, but I still wonder. We all loved our father, regardless of his actions, because he was our father, but it was a completely unnatural and difficult love - I don't know how else to describe it. Almost like Stockholm Syndrome, where the victim loves the abuser - but it was forced on us by our mother, and all of us kids left home as soon as we possibly could. We know now that he was a victim himself, his whole childhood was a terror of abuse - he bore the brunt of his father's drunken rages and his mother's mental illness. But like us, he loved and cared for his parents til the day they died.
When he died, all the answers to our many questions went with him. We had forgiven him long before his death, and he had apologized many times for his actions. Mom's passing will be difficult, but for different reasons than Dad's was. I miss Dad because he was a font of knowledge about all things mechanical, and as the sole caretaker of my parents' home now, I have questions that only he can answer. I don't miss the man he was, what he put us through, or the scars he left on our lives forever. I will miss my mother when she is gone, as well, but it will be different than with my father.
ie ; " hes dead -- GOOD !! "
My mom and step dad are not needing care currently and hoping they are able to live and enjoy their life and grandkids as long as they can, both in their mid 70's.
My Father in law that is living with us and i know will be really hard on my husband when he passes. He wants to live another 8 years to be 90. He is currently not doing well and actually admitted to hospital last night. My husband is stressed and worried. My husband lost his mother same year I lost my dad.
It's got me thinking about how I'll deal with Mom's passing. It makes me tear up just thinking about it, and I know it will be hard. Probably harder than Dad's passing, though that was difficult too. We kids didn't have a typical relationship with our dad and his passing brought closure to a lot of issues, but also left a lot more unanswered questions. Her ashes will be placed where Dad's were when he passed, per her wishes, so that part will be especially hard.
I'm sure I'll be pretty lost for a while, and I'll have regrets about the times I got frustrated with her or had to be stern with her in order to get her to shower, etc. But you know what....I will have far fewer regrets than those who didn't step forward to care for her or only stop by to see her once a month or so. I know I'm going to have a hard time at her funeral when everyone says, "You know, I should have come to see her more often (or at all)..." I'll really have to bite my tongue not to let them have it with both barrels. I think that's the hardest part of caregiving, is watching everyone around you just ignore your loved one, like they don't exist anymore - then when they pass away, everyone comes to the funeral and says how much they loved them.
I do think that I will miss my dad more since we have a better relationship than my mother and I had. My dad always wanted me to an all American boy.