I am in the UK and we are now being told to stay home but are not on total lockdown yet. I just don't know how I'm going to survive being isolated with my 93 year old mum who lives with me. I've coped with it the past 3 years by going out for a few hours and getting away from her as she has caused me awful depression. But just the thought of having no escape from her and not being able to see friends and my children and grandchildren is just awful. Having my mum live with me has been a huge mistake and has affected my health both mentally and physically and I'm so worried that being with her 24/7 for weeks is going to finish me off!!!! HELP!!! How can I get through this???
Are you a member of CarersUK or any online group like that? Are you in touch with your local authority's Adult Social Care team? If not, do those things - support is being set up, there will be lifelines available for people in your situation, so make your presence known!
You are far from alone - a client's wife said to me last week "we're all going to go mental!" Well, yes, the idea of being locked up alone with a demented loved one for two or three months is just not funny. We WILL find ways through, hold on.
I know what you mean, exactly. This is a huge challenge for many us.
But this will be temporary. It won't last forever. It is a limited period of time.
After this nightmare will finish you can change all the rules and reinvent your life again.
I offer what the emergency psychologist told me as a tool of survival for this:
divide work and rest. Have a place, a room, the garden, the attic, whatever you have at your disposal to claim as your own, private, place and follow a schedule. Fom x hour to y hour you will "work" caring for your mom, the rest of the time you will go "back home" in your safe place.
Set Skype for calls with your children and grandchildren and friends.
Call your friends everyday when you are in your safe place.
I will be thinking of you sending you thoughts of resistance.
Please keep in touch here, we will be in touch with you, every day.
This too shall pass.
I agree with Arwen. This will pass. It’s very difficult at this time. I wish that we could help you more than just offering online support.
Please stay in touch and continue to reach out even if only to speak to others about your concerns.
Take care 💗.
Please do not lose hope. Please let yourself take care of you. You matter.
hugs 🤗
What about you? What do you do to escape mentally? You mention your children and grandchildren. Can you keep in touch via skype or face time?
What does she do most of the time? Sleep in front of the tv, or is she more mobile?
Your walks to get these items, especially the medical products, would qualify as the exceptions.
Another thought is time out periods, when you both separate and either take naps, or read, or you can putter with your garden. Are you starting seeds inside? Do you have a small portable type greenhouse for your plants?
If you don't, there are always online seed catalogues to peruse, even if you don't buy anything.
There's another way to view the situation: you spend a lot of time together; use it to reminisce and segue back in time to your mother's childhood, when her children were born, activities she planned for you, and topics like that. Make HER feel good about herself and raising you, and that can translate to you.
It may seem hard, and it probably will be, but turn the situation around so that you both can feel good about being together. And that WILLtake a lot of work.
First step might be to think of childhood memories to reincarnate the bonding experience.
This isn't a criticism, but a suggestion, kind of a "been there, done that, and hopefully past it now" suggestion: I think that right now your thoughts are stuck on the need to get away, as expressed in your original and subsequent posts. You need to find a way to change that thought pattern, to break through the conceptual dam and find a solution that helps you.
If you like music, play it periodically, for both of you, and DON'T do any work during that time. Music can transport you out of your current situation and greatly improve a sad situation.
I too, lived with a mother in law who made it very stressful. I'm so sorry. I hear your pain.
This isn't easy. You will have to go to your own room and have time alone from her. I know it's not enough to say don't let it bother you. I understand. Exercise might be good. Prayer. And talking to friends and family. Maybe have your children call to her everyday.
These are difficult times. I hope you can find some separation. I pray you will grow in grace and peace, friend.
You might find an online counselor you could talk to once a week online. My family member just started using an online counselor from BetterHelp.com. Talking to a counselor really helped me when my mother in law moved in. I wish I had gone longer.
Online Counselling UK Success Stories | BetterHelp
https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/counseling/online-counselling-uk-success-stories/
Take care and check in here. We care about you. Let us know how you are doing.
gratefultoday
Hang in there - you will get through this. We are all stronger than we realize. (take LONG baths!! Meditate, read, etc.)
I am the only one working, doing the shopping and the cooking and taking all three of my family members to their doctor appointments and picking up their prescriptions. Thank God my brother does the cleaning only because he is OCD! I have not been able to see a doctor myself and pray my health does not fail on me.
I am always saying, what happens if I get sick who will take care of everything? Who will take care of me?
So, I feel your pain and like everyone is saying, we will all get through this, hang in there!
I truly understand, both my "parents"(?) made Hitler and The Spanish Inquisition look like a walk in the park and caring for them at end of live almost broke me again. Almost, because I hung on to the thought that they done it once they didn't get a second chance.
It is difficult being suddenly confined with people we should and do love but have long term irresolvable issues with. Also tough being with people we're fine with but not used to spending time with on such a basis or being completely isolated with only contact being via technology.
I am disabled and so it's difficult to get "out" in the garden or for the essentials. I do but it adds to the stress.
I have found it an enormous help to have "nature sounds" playing in the background. During parts of the day birdsong and such at night I have thunderstorms and rain. Sounds crazy but it puts me to sleep fast and if I'm woken in the night it helps me go back to sleep (I have a 10hr one I really like).
They are on youtube and free, try having it on low for your mother too it is incredibly relaxing you stop hearing it but the effect remains.
Good luck, thinking of you.
My daughter suffers from SAD -seasonal affective disorder - which is a form of depression. During the dark months (fall - early spring), she takes Vitamin D and calcium supplements, tries to exercise outdoors, and schedule frequent visits with friends. She also has an Ott light that has the same spectrum of light as daylight. She sits under it for several hours while reading or doing computer work. She and her hubby are still on lockdown in South Korea, so I know it is possible.
mind!
Bitterness and anger being perpetual from the moment I get home from work till the moment I leave.. Thankfully my job is an essential service so I am able to leave for three days at a time.. My job is working with youth living on the streets and the foster system so by the time my run of hours is completed I’m already exhausted only to come home to get a borage of anger and discontent thrown at me..
I've tried setting boundaries but to no avail! I now stay in my bedroom with the door closed in the hopes of getting some peace.. So thankful I’ve a dog that requires walks as that has been my saving grace ..
Mum never ever stops talking and blaming everyone for her life.. She sleeps little and lives 80% of her time in the kitchen and screaming at her cat!
She has taken to smoking in the house despite me setting up a smoking spot out on deck!
Im at my wits end and find myself picking up extra work shifts just so I don’t need to be home!
I'm from New York in the States, which is right now unfortunately the new epicenter of the pandemic. Trying to explain to her that we have to ration things like paper towels, why I'm working from home everyday, why everything is shut down, why the stores are all empty... it's wearing down my nerves! And like you, my options are all shut down because of this- no friends, nowhere to go, contact is all done through cellphones and computer. It's hard.
The one thing keeping me sane through all of the insanity is the fact that's it is all temporary. We shall get through this. And how do we get through this? By other means of escape:
- walking around the neighborhood when possible
- reading
- watching movies or TV shows
- coloring
- listening to music
- gardening
- meditation. there's some great free YouTube videos
- workout at home (again YouTube)
- Yoga (YouTube- "Yoga With Adrienne" has a great beginner's video- no equipment needed! It's easy, fun and helped me get in shape.)
- Journaling. I'm a big fan of this and do it every day. It's been a lifesaver!
- Virtual hangout with friends via Zoom or FaceTime.
- Make art. Pick up a pen or pencil and just start drawing anything.
- anything you have been wanting to do or learn, but never had time before.
The trick to it all is to redirect your focus to something positive and take your mind off all the bad stuff.
Hang in there. Sending you (and everyone out there) socially distanced hugs and prayers! It will all be okay, this too shall pass. It might pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass. In the meantime, stay safe!