How do you handle Mom being lazy?
I've been living with my mother for almost 7 years now. She turns 90 in November. She is still able to do many things, but spends her days in her pajamas in front of the TV. She will get up to get herself something to eat, then throw her trash on the tables and floor for the slave daughter to pick up. If I say something to her, she'll say I can pick it up, because what else do I have to do, anyway. She leaves cabinets and drawers open. She throws clothes and towels on the floor. She will help clean the house some if my brothers come to visit.
Okay... I know there are people who are saying that she is 90 and out of energy. But truth is she has always been lazy. I mean lazy lazy. Her laziness has been the biggest problem in caring for her, because it makes me feel angry and contemptuous. If she couldn't do more, it would be one thing. I try the "Use it or lose it" idea, but the words have no impact. She just wants to sit and watch TV and eat. Drives me absolutely crazy. Sometimes I want to kick her butt and tell her to get up and start living. She is nowhere near death, so this could go on for years.
I've been planting some seeds in my mother's mind. She talked about her friend's son and how he doesn't seem to pay much attention to his father. The father is 93, living in a nice ALF, and in poor health. I told her things weren't like they used to be when people lived to 60-70, then died of a heart attack or something. I told her people can live 20 years now in poor health, so no child can donate that much of their life to take care of them. Then I talked to her about my aunt and cousin. My cousin spent 15 years of her life taking 24/7 care of her mother. When my aunt died, my cousin was in her 70s and totally broke. I told her that it was a bad thing my aunt did to her own daughter, even though the daughter loved her enough to do it.
I somehow think I did not impress on her that what she was doing was not okay. And I know I will not be able to donate much more of my own life, because it is just not a good way to live. I do deserve to be happy as much as she deserves to be comfortable.
This whole relationship strikes me as veering into a toxic zone; toxic for our friend, at least. Caregiving is tough even when the person you're caring for is loving and grateful. When they are dismissive and rude, it becomes, imho, unbearable and unhealthy for all concerned.
Of course, if a change is going to happen, only the OP can initiate it.
I have been a loving, caring, patient, compassionate caregiver for many years. Really, I was a great caregiver. But I couldn't have lived with your mother for seven weeks let alone seven years. So know that you are exceptional and give yourself a lot of credit for the outstanding service you are providing, above and beyond what duty calls for.
Your mother was lazy lazy all her life. She certainly cannot be expected to change with dementia. You are doing an amazing job putting up with her.
I stopped nagging to him to close the drawers, cabinets, refrigerator, etc. because it would only work for a week. And here he was a man who was highly regarded at work, winning rewards, etc. Maybe if I pay him he would clean up after himself :P
Once my primary doctor prescribed meds for me to take the edge off, mainly because of my parents, I found it worked for dealing with my sig other. I would come home from work and be able to follow a trail through the house where he had been. Therefore, no more closing drawers/cabinets/refrigerator/closet doors. When he emptied the shredder and tiny pieces fall to the floor, he can pick them up... right now those pieces are all over the house as they will stick to the bottom of one's socks.... [sigh]
I used to dream about having a little house by a stream out in the country. Now I just dream about going to sleep in my own bed inside my reasonably tidy place, knowing I can wake up and have coffee with my friends if I want.
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