I've been living with my mother for almost 7 years now. She turns 90 in November. She is still able to do many things, but spends her days in her pajamas in front of the TV. She will get up to get herself something to eat, then throw her trash on the tables and floor for the slave daughter to pick up. If I say something to her, she'll say I can pick it up, because what else do I have to do, anyway. She leaves cabinets and drawers open. She throws clothes and towels on the floor. She will help clean the house some if my brothers come to visit.
Okay... I know there are people who are saying that she is 90 and out of energy. But truth is she has always been lazy. I mean lazy lazy. Her laziness has been the biggest problem in caring for her, because it makes me feel angry and contemptuous. If she couldn't do more, it would be one thing. I try the "Use it or lose it" idea, but the words have no impact. She just wants to sit and watch TV and eat. Drives me absolutely crazy. Sometimes I want to kick her butt and tell her to get up and start living. She is nowhere near death, so this could go on for years.
My mom is from Germany, growing up ""
My mother got a bit more industrious yesterday and shredded some things and did laundry. Yea! These little things make me feel better. Tomorrow she asked me if I would take her shopping and out to eat. I told her that anytime she wanted to do anything, all she had to do was get up and get dressed. We'll see how tomorrow goes.
To me one of the things that would make caregiving easier would be respect. Many caregivers aren't treated well and end up feeling used and angry about it.
Call this part 2
"The old country" as she calls it and she has always had.a completely different mentality about other people and relationships. Children were to be seen and not heard. We really didnt have any value because we were kids and were not able to contribute in some way. My mom laughed at the idea of respecting children as they could not possibly have earned any yet. As for herself, she expected respect and obedience immediatly due to her age alone regardless of her behavior, which was nasty. No, please or thank you, never a job well done, nothing was ever good enough for her. She would insult you, your friends, or anybody that came thru the door and then play it off as a joke. Ha!
Heaven help you if you were overweight, nasty, nasty, nasty...you get the idea....
When i first came here to live, i was also doing most family gatherings as well, 5 a year. Family would help some but they truly had no idea how much work juggling mom and that plus so much more was. People were always leaving things for me to do as i lived here and it was easier. For who? It kept piling on and piling on my ahoulders until i started to feel bad about myself. Imagine that.
Then there came a day when it was said out loud....to stop complaining, that i was not married, had no kids, so i didnt have anything else to do anyway and certainly no excuses. To stop making everything about me.
Whoa! That stopped me in my tracks.
After my good hard cry, I could think of only one thing.and this is what i really want you to hear....
I HAVE VALUE.
Say it to yourself, out loud, as many times in a day as you need. Believe it.
Dont accept people devaluing you and what you do. Not even your mom. Its not selfish to ask to be treated with kindness and respect. Kindnesses turn into expectations and then into demands. Learn to say no and mean it. Pick your battles, for sure, but start somewhere.
You have value Jesse.
Any time mom speaks unkindly or rude to me. I drop whatever im doing, say dont talk to me like that and walk away. Done for the day/night.
I wouldnt do favors unless she asked with please instead of demanding with scorn. I would ask her to leave my suite if she wasnt respecting my boundaries..etc.
Once, she was so angry, she told me i wasnt a nice person and continued to tell everyone the same thing. Cutting me down because she didnt get her way. I wrote her a letter listing all the tjings i was responsible for in just one week. I suggested that since i was so bad she probably would want to hire someone competant to handle things instead. And that list was looong.
3 days went by not speaking to me, then 5......
It wasnt overnight but she now treats me with appreciation and respect. We get along great and we are both happier. She values me. But you have to value yourself first.
The other things, like cleanliness etc are slowly falling into place too.
Ive told my siblings that i am no longer able to host all the dinners and gatherings so someone needs to step up to the plate or we will go without. If someone tries to pawn off a chore or job on me i tell them my plate is full, they need to find another option.
Took a bit but its all working out, albeit slowly.
Dont allow your mom to belittle your worth saying you have nothing better to do because you do. Living yout life.
When your tired and worn out and dont know what to do next remember..You have value and what you do is amazing. Believe it.
Take care (of yourself too)
Mojorox, you are so right about how we need to feel good about ourselves. I think this is particularly hard for women when they get older and retire. We become invisible to most of the world, it seems. And then to be treated poorly by family makes it worse. I find nothing more inspiring than finding other women my age and mindset. Like today I went to exercise and found other women who shared my politics. We had a great time talking. There are a lot of people out there looking to share time with others. It makes you realize you're not so alone after all.
This has been a hectic morning. The modem/router went bad on my system, so I had to drop by AT&T to get another. I tried setting it up, but they had cancelled my password since I never use it. So I had to deal with them on the phone to get it set up. While doing this, the telemarketers were calling my mother, who wasn't answering the phone. That drove me crazy. Finally things were fixed and I got orders ready to send. I walked to the post office for a bit of exercise and stress relief. My nerves were frayed. When I got back, Mom wanted me to find a pill she dropped. She wanted to go to the doctor because she was dizzy (chronic condition), and she wanted to turn the heat on because she was freezing (80 degrees outside). I didn't do any of these things because they didn't need to be done and I had already handled all the frustration I could. Right now I am trying to chill and get caught up on my work before we go shopping and out to eat.
These golden years are really only brass. :-) Hope I live long enough to look back on things with a smile.