She flew into a narcissistic rage and we didn’t even get to eat dinner last night due to the arguing. She pulled every nasty tactic she could and has used before. We can’t go on living with her, but she says she does nothing wrong. Nothing but make us walk on egg shells. Now I come to work this morning and I’m feeling so guilty. Even after she said really hateful things to both of us. Someone please tell me that it’s not wrong to want our life back. Please I feel like I’ve been run over by a garbage truck. Help and support please.
You sound like you are carrying around a lot of guilt. It’s probably why you let Mom move in in the first place. It also sounds like you were told from a young age that everything that ever went wrong in her life was your fault. I can tell you that it’s not your fault, but you need a professional to help you with this.
As as long as Mom is living with you, things won’t change. She won’t change. You are going to have to do a complete about face. Tell her you will take her on a housing tour, be it an apartment, Independent Living, Assisted !iving, whatever. If she needs Medicaid, apply for it. She has to chose in one month. If not, you will chose for her. Be strong. As long as you tolerate this behavior, nothing will change.
You know, if you persist in doing things like that, I can almost guarantee she will leave a smoke trail on her way out to an apartment. Make it as unpleasant for her as she’s made it for you. It’s ok for you to be the “bad kid” now.
Making your household a happy place, free of strife is a good and reasonable thing to do and if that means that mother needs to move elsewhere, why is that wrong? Sometimes, I think that seniors have a skewed view of an AL or other Long term care facility. What if she got to visit one for lunch that is pretty nice. She could see how they have activities, if she's interested. Normally, there will be an outdoor area for reading or relaxation, dining room, spa, shuttle service, hair salon, etc. Perhaps, if she saw that it wasn't so bad, she might not be as ballistic.
If she's really opposed to going, I'd seek the advice of any attorney, because you may have to jump through some hoops to really make her go, especially, if she's competent. Based on your description, I would seriously wonder if she might have some cognitive decline. Often, it's unreasonable attitudes that signal dementia and not just memory loss. Sometimes, there are difficult people who get cognitive decline and then they become more difficult. It's hard to separate what's what.
It's not wrong to want her out. Please, for your sake, get her out.
Again, consult a lawyer first. Then find a place she can afford. You may be able to evict her. Tell her she has no choices. You can no longer support her financially or emotionally. She either takes what is offered or she will be evicted by the sheriff.
I'm so glad it was civil.
Just remember that she will use every emotion you feel against you! Because she is incapable of feeling emotion. It is all a big act, in the ultimate goal of getting you to do what she wants. So, ditch the guilt. Barb said on another thread that guilt is for people who have actually done something wrong (like the last time I got caught speeding! I was definitely guilty! Lol.).
I love your saying about helping a narcissist....
Hugs.
Sparkles
Anyway thank you again for reading this and for your kind words of support
Do not leave this for her to do on her own. She’ll drag it out as long as you’ll tolerate.
The time came for my mom to move to a nursing home. I found a really
posh, small and privately owned NH 15 minutes from my house right off the bat. But no. Golden Child brother got suckered into believing my mom wanted to participate and look as well.
Two months later my brother finally bought a vowel and after taking her to look at dozens of places - which included Golden Boy spending the entire day with her and taking her out to lunch - after two months of that, he finally decided he’d give his prized stamp of approval on the place I found - and finally told our mom “enough”. Boy, was mom shocked. And P.O.’d. Too bad.