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She is healthy but will not listen to any suggestions. She argues every day and is very lonely. She only wants my husband to help with things and the guilt she gives him is unbelievable. We have difficulty going anywhere as she invites herself to go all the time. If we say "no" she belittles us into trying to get us to change our mind.
My husband's brother refuses to help. He has issues of his own. There is no other family.
She refuses any social services (companions, senior activities, etc.).
She believes we are lying to her, and keeping secrets every day, so my husband tells her everything. (I disagree) She wants to eat out everyday and gets upset if we say "no". If we eat out she complains about the service, food, cleanliness of the establishment.
She still drives, which we feel she should not. We are fearful she will have an accident. Her walking is very unbalanced, but refuses to discuss this with the DR. and refuses to allow my husband to talk to the DR.
She has hearing aids, she needs them, but makes excuses why she does not wear them. She has slight dementia, is paranoid, and has a lot of anxiety. Putting this all together makes life very difficult. Unfortunately (fortunately) my husband is retired, and she feels he should respond to her every beck and call. I know my husband loves his mother, but he does not like her.
Unfortunately my husband does not want to spend money or time on counseling.
Can anyone offer any suggestions?

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You go girl, take your power back. With you supporting your husband you can have a life again. Make boundries and stick to them. She doesn't get to scuk the life out of your husband or you. Good for you, keep focused on what you do want rather than what you don't want.
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Slowly I am telling my husband what people are saying and suggesting. We have come to the conclusion that she is addicted to him. She needs to talk to him everyday and she manipulates him into seeing her everyday. He now sees this. I have told him to keep his distance when possible. He now sees that when he does something with her, she does not need to meet new people. This has been a slow process but with all the advice we have been receiving it really does help. Taking a step back-myself-has helped me to see a little more clearly what she has been doing all these years. She has even slipped a few times and has used his name, when she have used her husbands (he has been gone for over 27 years). Thank you so much.
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You've gotten a lot of great advice here! Your husband was a prisoner of his mother as a child; he had no choice and was living with her. Now he's an adult and this is a great opportunity for him to step up and assert his independence. As said, just say no, stop any engagement if it becomes manipulative, etc. Regarding mom's driving: Most DMV's have an anonymous system where one can (usually with a form) concerns about someone's driving. This will prompt the DMV to order a Dr's evaluation, written and/or driving test. This is an objective, fair way to assess someone and is the responsible thing to do. All the best with everything.
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I agree that boundries have to be established, or your MIL will suck the life out of your huband and your marriage. You are incharge of your own life, if you don't want to go out an eat, don't...it's not healthy anyway, stand up for yourself. She'll get mad but so what, get away from her, go for a walk, change the subject, provide good healthy food in the kitchen and leave it there, eventually she will eat it or she won't, she's an adult, if she keeps complaining ask for her to leave the room you are in. This kind of behavior will extinguish if you stick to your guns together or better yet she will decide to move somewhere else. She is refusing any Senior services because you are fullfilling all of her needs right now. Next time she wants to go out and you want to take her, find out when the local senior center is providing lunch and take her there. Talk to your husband, take back your power, let go of this co-dependent behavior.
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Debralee, do we have the same mother?? Or perhaps they are related?? Mine makes these comments all the time. Just down in Tucson for her birthday. Cost is $100 just for gas to drive down. Took her out to dinner, bought her a new purse for her BD. Over $100 because she only likes the Fossil brand...did all sorts of little errands to keep her happy etc. I don't mind doing this....but just pointing out, that there are certain expenses associated with 'doing the right thing' here! And then she sits and complains because her one granddaughter and family did not call or send a card on her bd and they don't care about her . This particular daughter of mine just simply does not pay for cards or gifts or recognize everyone's BD or holiday etc. They are a busy family with 6 kids, homeschooling and money is an issue too. Ultra conservative Christians and some things just are not as important to them as they view this world. Not my way, but they have the right to do things their way. Her Dad and I don't get calls or cards or letters either, but WE CALL when we want to be in touch. They DO a lot to help. Daughter has made 3 emergency plane trips to Tucson in the past 6 months, because she is the RN daughter with the 'can do' attitude when there is an emergency. SO....does Mom ever call them? Does she send cards or letters or gifts to them? NO...she only expects to receive from them. It's all about HER and everyone to focus on HER and her needs. I just listened the 3 days I was there and heard it multiple times. (Of course the implication is that since this is MY daughter....I've lacked in her upbringing somehow....) and I don't bite on it and get in the argument. I just nicely say, "Well Mom, we've known this for years and they are not going to change. They don't think cards for BDs or holidays are an important thing to spend money on. And no one else gets them either, so you are not being mistreated or singled out" She whines more, and I say, "Well, how bout I get the cell phone and you call them?" OH NO!! THAT is not HER place to call them!! So I drop it and change the subject. It's all we can do. Now she had a nice birthday. She got many cards from her friends and our other daughter and family. I offered to try to take Dad out of his facility so we could all go to dinner together and she nixed that....even while crying at night cause he cannot be there with her! We invited a close friend....and had a great dinner...but no appreciation for all that DOES happen....only upset at what does NOT happen! And all with the implication that, no matter what I DID do....I should have somehow, made the rest of it happen too!! We have to respect our parents and assure they are safe as they age. WE do not have to love them and adore them if our history in life doesn't lead us to feel that way. As you say....'We reap what we sow" .
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My mother had the audacity to compare me to a friend of hers whose children adore her. That mother earned it by loving and respecting her children. Why in the world would I adore someone who is self centered and selfish without ever having respect or consideration for me! “You reap what you sow” and "Be careful what you say and do, it might come back to haunt you" isso very true.
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Thank you joannes. I will share this with my husband because we have not tried this yet. It is very helpful to have other people give ideas that have worked for them. You sound like you have double the work, with one parent in a facility and the other one home. My parents were in a nursing home together for three years. I worked hard to do the best I could and now that they are both gone, I have no regrets. You sound like you are doing your very best. Take care of yourself first. And thank you again.
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195Austin said, "When we decide not to let other define who we are and the sky does not fall it gives us courage to take a bigger step next time and levels the playing field." and I have to say....this was the one thing that had the biggest positive effect for me!! It really is true that when one person changes their response, the other has to change SOMETHING! I was so fearful that when I instilled a boundary that was new, my mother would just rage at me....so the first few times it WAS hard...but now....she's not reacting the same way most of the time. She still has her whining moments. Having your answer planned for certain actions that get to you, really does help. When I say the same thing the same way every time, and don't get 'hooked' into the argument... things go better. Tell your hubby to pick the one thing that upsets him the most and perhaps with your help....develop a response that he will use whenever the behavior happens....and just watch and see what happens. One of my mother's still bad behaviors is going on and on because Dad is not home with her, and then complaining about everything imaginable about the memory care unit he is in. My response is to tell her that the ONLY answer I can think of, after 3 facilities since January of this year, is to bring him back home with 24/7 caregivers. THEN he will be with her AND she will know everything that is being done for him and it can be better supervised. THAT shuts her up....OR...if she whines a little more about how that won't work, then I simply say, "Well, what other ideas do you have because I've tried everything I know and this place he is in seems the best so far" She has none, and now she doesn't even go to the whining. She doesn't want him home unless he can be the way he was 5 years ago. She wants no caregivers in her home, and she doesn't have the ability to do any part of care herself. She no longer goes on about how it should be 'family' who does the caregiving for him either, because I'll simply remind her that she is his wife, and that's about as 'family' as it gets.....you know.....'for better or for worse' and all that! She wants no part of the care herself....she just wants it all to happen AS SHE WOULD do it! Anyhow....try the planned answer to the one worst behavior.
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Thank you Austin. My husband is slowly reaching the end of his rope. I have put boundaries up and my husband understands. He repeats why I do not do much with MIL any more, and she changes the subject. Denial!! I've told my husband about this forum and he listened. That's a big step for him. I pray a lot. Hopefully your days are a little easier. All the information helps.
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Loha good for you setting boundaires and for sharing with other caregivers-you are rescuing yourself which is what my therapist told me years ago-I did and it made my life more barable at the time-we have to teach other how to treat us-we can't change them but can change how we react to them and help ourselves. When we decide not to let other define who we are and the sky does not fall it gives us courage to take a bigger step next time and levels the playing field.
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Thank you all for responding. There are many helpful suggestions, some which I have used and am trying to get my husband to use. We have bent the truth a bit and that has helped. (We say we are going somewhere, when in fact we go another place) It has also helped to have people to talk to and listen as I have gotten to vent, as my husband usually does not want to talk about it. Three weeks ago she told me that I hated her. That was the end inviting her for supper once a week. She has not apologized (sorry is not in her vocabulary). But saying "no" is helpful.

Blessings to all of you.
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I would definitely either disable the car or take the keys. you could contact your Dept of Motor Vehicles and ask for them to send a form to have a physcial/eye test. they have to pass or they don't get license renewed. Also, you need to have a family meeting with your hubby and stress that no more discussing where all you are going with his mother, that way she cannot invite herself. And as far as going out to eat, tell her you cannot afford to go out and thats it. Your hubby needs to take a stand or it will only get worse, even though we hate to do that to our parents. And your hubby can talk to her doctor without her knowing, he just shouldn't tell her. Do it together as a team and good luck. Like someone said the roles have changed now in life, he is more of the "parent" and she should be the "child" where he indicates what it is going to happen or not happen.
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joannes... I call that, "changing the script" (to the play)...

Seems so often that, she says___, then I say___, then she answers with ___, & then I come back with ___. Its always the same thing. So if you change the script, & come back with a different reply, - it leaves them for a loop (at least temporarily). It takes practice. Plan ahead & rehearse your answers in your head. You might even want to write them down somewhere.

With us it was that Mom (who gets around better than I do), does not have dementia as of yet, can fix herself a simple meal, does her own personal care, etc, - but would not let us leave the house together (without her), not even for a quick run to the store or a meal out. "Something might happen to you, & then what would I do?", she'd say. Duh! The same thing you'd have done, had "something" happened to us, before you came to live with us!

Almost a year to the day that she came to live with us, Mom had minor surgery. A friend took her... it was the first time we got to go out to eat together in this year's time! So now, we just tell her something like, "hubby & I are going out for a while.. I've got the cell phone on me if you need me... we'll be back by 2... you've got the emergency numbers posted on your closet door". No option is given; here's how its going to be. and it's worked! In some things she just doesn't get to make a choice any more. End of story.

Another issue that's come up, is that she has told us kids to make major decisions for her, but then once they were made, she didn't like the fact that sis didn't give her the opportunity to have an input. Haven't had to yet.... but I've got that script already memorized, should it come up. If a major decision needs to be made, such as her going to a facility eventually, - I will narrow the choices down to 3 places that I have already checked out myself... let her visit them, & then give her the choice of one of them BUT WITH A DEADLINE: "I've got to have your decision by next Monday". Come Friday, I'll remind her that she's got to have a decision made by Monday, & if not, then on Tues, I WILL make the decision myself. Then do it!

Change the script, memorize it, & follow through.

Best wishes for you & your hubby in dealing with this. I know & totally understand!
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Sometimes you just have to slap yourself upside the head and say "I refuse to be manipulated by a little old lady"! My own mother is not even five feet tall but she has terrorized our whole family forever. It has been amazing all my life to see how she pushes people, including my father, around and gets them to do what she wants. My dad taught all of us, I guess, to accommodate her every whim while we were growing up by example. I really have no respect left for him because of this. You have to tell yourself that you will never get that carrot of approval she has held in front of your nose forever and you will never be able to please her. So you have to stop trying.
Do what's right and hold to your boundaries. When people advise that you start with subtlety and small steps with an NPD person it's clear they don't know what you're dealing with. These people unfortunately do not get it. A sledgehammer works best; that is about all they understand. Good luck.
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My youngest daughter was hyperactive and very strong willed the only way I could deal with her was to stay one step ahead of her. For example if you want to go on an outing and you know she will have a hissy arrange to go with another couple preferably in their car so there is simply no room. End of discussion
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Your husband doesn't need counseling, he needs to get away from his mother! As a nurse and social worker (therapist), that's my best advice. His mother would do well to be placed somewhere so she cannot drive, and let her belittle everyone else. If your husband doesn't "like" her, how can he "love" her? If his health is what is most important to you stop giving into her demands, set only certain days or hours allotted to her, and the rest of the time, spend with each other. His depression will lift once he doesn't have to hear all the past brought up over and over. That's what adult children do. They hear the broken record from childhood and retreat into that inner child. Time for him to grow up, take a stand, and do not allow this mother to control him as she has apparently done his whole life. Why would anyone subject themselves to that torture? He doesn't have to and frankly if he does, then he deserves what he allows...
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disabling the car is a good way to stop them driving-if you take away the keys you have to remove the car from their sight and often they will forget about driving you will have to provide reasonable transportation at your choice or if they can afford it a taxie or car service-some providers will take them everywhere within reason for a set am't-detatchment does work-take their power away or decide they can not hurt her with their words-some elders fel entitled to voice their opionins about everything because they are older and feel it is their right to do so.
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All good advice, thank you. Stepmother is an emotional bully. I'm familiar with setting boundaries and limits, and will use those techniques with her. Detach, detach, detach. They can't argue with you if you walk away and don't talk back.
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OMG you must have the same MIL that I have. She suckers two sons and a daughter into arguing. My husband won't retire for fear she will run his life. Take the keys away from her before she kills somebody and walk out when she gets nasty.
When we leave, five minutes later she calls to apologize.
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195Austin said....start with baby steps and when the sky does not fall you will feel empowered to continue-......and having been through this process with first my Dad and now working on it with my Mom, this really hit home as the truth! I purchased a few books about Boundaries that were recommended to me because my parents heavily controlled my brother and myself....so I was very weak on boundaries in all areas. BUT...once I changed my reactions to their demands....I was able to see them change, and life started to get much easier. It doesn't happen over night...so patience is important as is consistency in approach. It helped me to take some common situations that recurred all the time and create for myself some 'pat' answers that automatically get given out in response too. And also, to understand that one does NOT have to respond at all. Now, when Mom gets on certain topics during our daily phone check in times, I just do not 'get hooked' into responding as I know where the conversation will go. I bite my tongue and say nothing and find that she will soon go to the next topic on her litany of complaints that are virtually the exact same thing daily. If I am 'getting hooked' emotionally, I give back one of the 'pat answers', but am getting quite skilled at not getting hooked and into the argument. Once you break the chain of usual communication, by introducing something different, the other person simply must respond differently themselves....and it DOES work!!
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I support what the other posters have said as far as not giving in to her demands. If your husband is severely depressed he may not be much help in this new approach. You may have to get the two of them further apart for him to recover. She sounds like a good candidate for assisted living. It will take WWIII to get her into a facility, but you may not have any choice. Stand up to her and let her know what the new rules are. Be consistent. Just like a child, she will sense any weakening in your resolve. And keep in mind that she has been 'training' your husband his whole life so it will be more difficult for him to have a balanced perspective. Good luck and God bless, Loha. You have a tough job ahead, but you can do it.
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How do I put this delicately? Your husband now had to understand that the dynamics have reversed with he and his mother. He is now the patent and she is the child. This doesn't mean he no longer respects her, it just means he will have to be more calculatedly firm with her. Once she knows that her bullying tactics, temper tantrums, are met with consequences not to her liking and she sees the results she will stop. This will result in all of you being much happier. It will take awhile and there will be a lot of tears and tantrums in between but stand your ground and be firm with her until then. Don't let her destroy your lives so she can enjoy hers!
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It sounds like what I call emotional bullying. Chances are that she has always been a bit of an emotional bully and it is getting worse with age. Emotional bullies control through intimidation and belittling. The advice that the others gave is spot on. As long as she is able to get what she wants through bullying tactics, she will keep at it. If it starts to be less effective, she may change. Much luck to you in dealing with this stress.
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Elderly parents tend to get this way. I have found that if you argue with them, they will argue until you're both blue in the face because that is the only power and control they feel they have. My 87-yr-old mother asserts herself in a negative way with everyone because she doesn't want people "walking all over" her. She digs her heels in at every suggestion and finds a problem for every solution. At that point, you have to treat them somewhat like children and tell THEM what is going to happen rather than the other way around. You can do it respectfully but firmly, letting them know that this is the way it's going to be and it's for their own good. I know it's hard to deal with a parent that way, but unfortunately that is the situation when they get to be that way; otherwise, they can drive us crazy. It can be done in a non-derogatory manner, and it actually works as long as they feel like they still have some say in what happens (even if in reality they don't) and that they are still respected. It's a delicate balance of letting them keep the illusion of control and having them behave as you want them to, but deep down they are just afraid and they want to know that everything will be okay, and that no matter what happens they will still be loved and not forgotten. I'm not saying the outcome is 100% ideal, but you must draw your boundaries in order to maintain your own inner peace and sanity and be still able to continue to tend to them.
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SA said what I would have said-I had to detatch from my verbally abusive husband-just walk away-she can not argue by herself-stop helping her-take the keys away or disable the car-you do not want someone to die because of her bad judgements-start with baby steps and when the sky does not fall you will feel empowered to continue-take your power back-she has too much power-let us know how things are going -we teach each other how we want to be treated.
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Thank you for your insight. I sense that that is what needs to be done, and I appreciate words from someone who has had this difficult situation in the past. I will continue to read on this topic.
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Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries...and distance. With these types of parents, every day will be a fight for your life. The more you give in to unreasonable demands, the more you'll find yourself jumping through those hoops in the future.

She belittles you, you say, if she doesn't get her way? She can't belittle you if you walk away and refuse to listen to that mess, can she?

Limits and boundaries are the key to sanity in these situations. And the word NO. She doesn't like it? Too bad. Walk away if she starts. Every. single. Time. You MUST..


I wish you the best, I really do... I get it...
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