He is 81, has terminal cancer, dementia, and has now developed dysphagia (which prevents him from eating what he wants). He is in hospice home care. He keeps wanting me to take him to a doctor to see what is wrong & how to fix it. He has a living will which rules out tube feeding, artificial support, etc. I try to make him understand..........without spelling it out in certain terms..........that there is nothing the medical people can do. I don't want to flat out say "you are dying"; how can I handle this? He knows chemo didn't work; his oncologist even told him that eventually the cancer would get him.
I volunteer with hospice patients and this situation is common. You don't lie, tell them everything is fine but people with dementia who are near the end can be very confused and scared. The questions can be repetitious. Be patient and look for ways to comfort and divert.
As it progresses there will come a time when you may want to tell him that it is ok to let go. This is about using your heart as much as your head. My best wishes to you.
If he wants to see a doctor, perhaps you could get hospice to bring in one, just to comfort him and let him avoid facing death until he's ready. A compassionate doctor might be able to soothe him without being blunt.
You might also explore Reiki therapy; my sister found it very comforting during her last round of chemo.
Is hubby still able to get out? Is it possible to take him to a Dr he knows and trusts and who would be reassuring about what lies ahead and tell him what is available to make him more comfortable.
Does he still want to eat inspire of the dysphagia? Can he swallow at all? if he can give him soft easy to swallow foods such as yogurt, jello, ice cream or anything it is safe for him to eat that he fancies. It sounds as though his time is short so he may automatically being to withdrawn and eventually sleep most of the time. Talk to your hospice RN about this and ask her to tell you exactly where he/she thinks he is on his journey. Don't be afraid to use any medications that are prescribed for pain and anxiety. They are not trying to hasten dead just help him make the transition comfortably.