We live very close to my mother inlaw [dad was moved into a nursing home earlier this year]. My husband feels no responsibility to help his elderly mother - with home care, finances, elder care - although he is retired and frequently home. I work for a liviing and it breaks my heart that he doesn't feel any responsibility to help her - unless I prod him. Now she is making questionable financial decisions and I may have to step in actively as her POA. She is argumentative with me when I bring up almost anything pertaining to her welfare. Am I doomed?
How did FIL get into a nursing home? I'm guessing your hubby stepped up when he had to. Are there other kids? If so, perhaps one of them would step up.
If your husband is the POA right now, just work off of his would be my suggestion. Help HIM take responsibility for his mom by lighteniing the load. When MIL needs home care, one doesn't have to have a POA to arrange it.
Have you given thought that your husband just doesn't think it's TIME to step in with her finances? Unless your husband has a terrible relationship with his mom, that may be the case. You may have a difference of opinion here, with him saying: "Leave her alone. She's doing okay right now."
I danced around playing off your husband's POA (if he has one...if not, somebody sure should) because you say she is argumentative when you try to discuss her personal welfare with her. Could be she's more comfortable with her son doing that.
Are there other adult children besides your husband? Can one of them step in? Whoever steps in will be the one responsible for the rest of this lady's life. It's a huge job. Aren't you a little curious as to why your husband doesn't want to have anything to do with this? Is it denial?
If you are already your MIL's POA then disregard everything I've said. You're already involved.
But besides that, a word to the wise: if your husband doesn't want to do this, don't prod him.
Here's an idea, suggest that your mother-in-law come live with you and hubby... maybe then his ears will perk up and he will start helping at her own home. Show him how to change the bedding and use the washer/dryer [my Mom recently started to show Dad how to do that after almost 65 years of only her doing that work]. As for vacuuming, you might have to buy a workshop vac with a hose attachment, the noisier the better :P
After giving it quite a bit of reflection, I really believe that my DH's refusal to get involved is a result of denial and fear. Denial that she is not as capable as she once was, denial that she is going downhill rapidly. And fear -- fear of losing her, fear of making the wrong decision for her, fear of seeing her like this. So rather than face all that, he just stays away. *sigh*
No advice for you, but sending hugs your way!