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He does NOT do this for me. I think it is out of guilt for the help she has given us over our 40-yr marriage (which I do appreciate). He is constantly asking her how she is, does she need anything, but the best is "what's the matter, Mom?" and the answer, given with a sad, forlorn voice and face is always "Oh, nothing........" and he always thinks she's not feeling well - he asks her at least 5 times a day how she is feeling.
I know that she is eating up this attention and even when she goes to her family doctor, when she returns, she never relates the medical details to me - it's all about "the doctor thinks I look 20 years younger! He says I look better than I did at my last appointment! He's such a cutie-pie!" Well last time I checked you go to the doctor to see how your health is, not your appearance, so we know flattery charges her battery........
Yes, I have addressed this with my husband about why he is constantly kowtowing to her, and I get a nasty snap of "leave her alone! she's sick and old!"
So do I also have to be sick and old to get his attention? I might mention that he has a disabled mother of over 80 yrs, of age, and goes to see her every day - because she is "alone" (not - she has a disabled son living with her and also a day and night careperson) - but he apparently doesn't care about how much time I spend alone!
I believe I deserve to count too........

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Why would you want to stop him? He sounds fantastic to me and it sounds like you are jealous of your own mother and your mother in law. That is rather pathetic! Did it occur to you that women in their 80's might have a need for a lot of attention and to hear that they are still attractive? And why aren't YOU catering to your mother too and your mother in law as well. Those two women brought both you and your husband into this world and neither of you would be here if not for those ladies and they spent plenty of years supporting and caring for you. I catered to my mom, my dad, my grandfather, my grandmother, and my mother in law when they were alive and we cared for them. It was an honor and a privilege and now that they are gone, I feel good about myself. I would be ashamed if I had been jealous of the attention any of them got. And exactly how much catering do you do to your hubby to make him feel loved and cherished? He may well be getting more love and affection from the two moms in his life. He may also get sick of the jealousy one day and you might find your own self an 80-something lady all alone with no attention at all.
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I agree, I don't see any harm in making them feel good about themselves. If that's what they need by all Means make it happen.
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Just an FYI sidenote here. This week I took Hubby to the sleep disorder psychiatrist he has seen annually for a quarter of a century. And the first words out of the doctor's mouth, as he was walking into the room, were "How good to see you again! You are looking really good, except that it looks like you've lost a lot of weight. What is that about?"

I think that it is extremely common that doctors notice and comment on appearance. And if a little flattery charges someone's batteries, isn't it a kindness doctors can easily perform?
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Both my parents are in the nursing home, I cannot lift them physically, if not for that I would be taking care of them. I will say this, I did take care of my mother for four months, I know that isn't very long but it seemed long. I appreciated and still do appreciate my husband catering to my mother during that time, I never felt left out or jealous. I wasn't asked if I would like anything special for dinner or you look pretty today, but my mom was asked and told those things. It made her feel better about herself and how she felt about him. I wish to this day that I could take care of them and I would hope I would not feel neglected or left out. Did these feelings start before mother moved in, maybe you would feel better if you had a break from taking care of your mother everyday. Have you checked on having someone come sit with her so you can get out of the house. Just some suggestions, I wish you the bet, it's hard to be a caregiver.
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Both my parents are in the nursing home, I cannot lift them physically, if not for that I would be taking care of them. I will say this, I did take care of my mother for four months, I know that isn't very long but it seemed long. I appreciated and still do appreciate my husband catering to my mother during that time, I never felt left out or jealous. I wasn't asked if I would like anything special for dinner or you look pretty today, but my mom was asked and told those things. It made her feel better about herself and how she felt about him. I wish to this day that I could take care of them and I would hope I would not feel neglected or left out. Did these feelings start before mother moved in, maybe you would feel better if you had a break from taking care of your mother everyday. Have you checked on having someone come sit with her so you can get out of the house. Just some suggestions, I wish you the bet, it's hard to be a caregiver.
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the holy bible says a lot,the bottom line is to love one anorther,and thats not so easy at times,thats why we have for giveness,that said if you cant beatem joine,in orther words joine in and be a part of ,you have nothing nothing and at all to lose , it might even be fun to see who can give the most attention. think about it pleae.god bless
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Stop complaing someday you will be old and need alot of attenion as well. We all will get old,and act like children or go back as babies in life. It is in the bible in the word of god...
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Hi Jeanne, just to say that this is from a woman who drove my father to his death with her endless complaints and demands, who he could never please, and who did not remarry after she finally divorced him. She became a man-hater for the rest of her life yet doesn't mind the attention from them and, as annet said, is also coy and condescending around men. When she lived in her apartment she was very intimidated by the male super and wouldn't even call him to fix her oven so consequently one year on the holidays the turkey came out only 1/4 cooked and it's a miracle we all didn't end up in the hospital with a severe case of food poisoning! The oven door wouldn't shut completely but she wouldn't bother to call him to fix it....there was no reasoning with her.
I refuse to believe that it is a "generational" thing for I know many, many other women her age from her generation who are strong, independent and healthy.
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By the way, while I appreciate the fact that my husband is kind enough to allow my mother to live with us, and not many men would, I would like to mention that I broke my leg a month ago and he does not ask me how I am feeling, whether I need anything, or whether I would like anything special in the groceries.
One day I found out that she had been asking him to bring some food home from his favourite restaurant for her, and he did......but no one though to ask me if I wanted anything. When I told him that I was upset about that, he says "you never asked me to bring you anything".
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Sides? Why are there sides? This shouldn't be an adversarial relationship!

It sounds like this is not so much about the attention your husband pays to his mother or your mother, but about the attention he pays/doesn't pay to you. Focus on that. Have a heart-to-heart with him about what you need. Leave your mothers out of it. Marriage counselling sounds like a great idea. I'll bet it would not be endless sessions -- just a few to iron out how a live-in mom changes the housefhold dynamics.

It is kind of sad that your mother needs so much male attention, but it sounds great to me that your husband can provide it harmlessly.

I don't know if I'll want to be fawned over in 20 years. If I do, I hope there will be someone around willing to do it now and then!

BTY, I take both my mother and my husband to see the same geriatrician. Almost always the first comment out of her mouth is about their appearance. "You really look great today! If I didn't have you chart here I'd forget how old you are!" or "You look a little tired today. What is going on?" Of course that is not the only thing she says to them, but it wouldn't surprise me if those were the comments they remember and report to others.
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Why does it seem like either the pendulum swings WAY left, or WAY right? Why can't people just be 'normal' I wonder? Why will I read on here, one husband can't stand his mother-in-law, or at least can't stand all the attention she is getting from his wife, who in turn is NOT giving him all her attention? Or now it's the husband that is fawning all over his wife's mother, and his wife is feeling neglected? It really is all 'relative' I guess. (pun intended) :)
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My mom also lives with us and is almost 87. She is very focused on compliments and any kind of male based attention and acts coy around most men. My husband does wait on her but not fawn over her so much. My sister's boyfriend fawns (sort of patronizing fake flirting) with her and she thinks he is the best thing since sliced bread.

The only thing that sincerely interests her are situations where men might pay attention to her, she has no time for women and barely notices if they are kind to her. I really think this behavior is all about the attention and where she gets her self esteem. I have chalked it up to her generation and how she was raised.

It does sadden and disgust me that this is her only interest. I'm looking for the wise matriarch and she comes out with pre-teen girl stuff. I completely ignore it and change the subject when she starts talking about how good someone said she looked. (her doctor says that to her as well which boggles the mind.) This is her personality, always has been, and I'm not going to try and change it now. When she first moved in 3 years ago I tried to point her interests elsewhere but it is a lost cause. To lessen the stress I let it roll off and think of it as one of the battles I choose not to fight.

Of course you deserve attention and kindness. That goes without saying, we all do. There are no sides for your husband to be on. He sounds like an awesome guy. Take some time together away from your mom to get your attention needs met. I recommend you don't compete with your mom. No one will win.
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Thank you so much for the great advice, Carol! I would love to hear from others who are experiencing this same problem and who also have asked their spouse: "Whose side are you on"!!
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Yes, you do deserve to count. It sounds as if the elder care issues are affecting your marriage, which isn't unusual. Will he go to marriage counseling with you to help you both find a balance that works? Eldercare often stresses the best of marriages, so you aren't alone. If he won't go, you may want to go alone, just to vent. Take care of yourself and you may feel better about the whole thing. Good luck,
Carol
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