I care for my husband out of duty and I will for the rest of my life. I feel horrible to say the least. When I was young and in love with "Rick" my parents did not approve and forbade me to see him. I still love him!!! I married "Tom" for all the wrong reasons, just to get away from my parents. Now "Tom", my husband, has Alzheimer's!!! (At a young age) I quit my job to care for him and I will care for him for the rest of my life. Trouble is, it is difficult for me to comprehend that I will spend the rest of my life caring for him while I do not love him. Divorce is out of the question as my family would just not understand nor think much of me to abandon him at this stage of the game. What do I do? I still have contact with Rick, email him from time to time, he's married and has a family. I would not do anything to jeopardize my family nor his. I just wish I could go back to a time when I could have married my first love in the first place! Anyway, just needed to vent, I will care for my husband forever.....just not happy with the circumstances....not happy with how things turned out, wish it were different.....any suggestions?
I am caring for my husband and honoring my wedding vows...in sickness and in health. I think when I married at the age of 20, I really had no clue as to what I was doing!!!! I just wanted out from under my mom and dad's rules. I am caring for my husband, keeping him at home for as long as I can, I will be making an appointment with an elder care attorney soon to make sure I won't be impoverished as I do not have a pension, only social security. I get together with friends on a monthly basis which helps me tremendously!!! (GIRL friends!) and no, I will never ever remarry when the time comes that I'm on my own.....I never want to be a caregiver ever again! I will be just friends!!!! That I have learned. I still have great feelings for my first love, but know it can never be more than that...we both have different lives now and I don't want to jeopardize that. It's just too bad the way things turned out.
After my husband passed 12 years ago, I had an occasion to be in touch with the man I dumped to marry the man I did, thank God! He's still got a soft spot for me, after one wife who cheated, and another who recently passed, admits that he wasn't ready to settle down when I was. Probably will never actually see him, he lives a long ways away. Sometimes old loves work, not always. The mother of a friend married an old friend after her husband died, and it was an unexpected disaster. Hang in there.....
However, how will a relationship with a married man help your situation? You're contemplating going against your wedding vows with a man who is openly committing adultery. Forgive me for saying this, but I wouldn't trust this man as far as I could throw him.
To want your own life back would be understandable - but you could do a lot better than taking on a married man who is already cheating on his wife. This man would probably never be true to you either. You're just another notch for his belt. You really don't need to do that to yourself.
There are social groups where you can meet with others in your situation - maybe that would help?
Good luck to you - I pray you find the right answer for your circumstances. Whatever they may be.
Your questions and concerns are readily seen every day in our modern medical community. All I want you to know from the first statement, in this answer, to know you have normal feelings and concerns. Working through this situation will require an immense amount of personal searching and examining of your life. This job will allow you to proceed with your life in a positive manner. I understand you will stay with him and continue to care for him the rest of his natural life.
When you have time to sit back and examine all that the situation presents I believe you will find you are actively grieving the loss of a life you dreamed. Your quagmire is very understandable. You will be able to find support groups that can meet your specific needs. Now keeping in mind, you are all right to have these feelings and not abandoning your husband and your values.
There are some housekeeping issues you will have to examine some sobering questions. You may want to enlist the services of an Elder Issues Attorney. This is why: People having a diagnosis of Alzheimer's may live an extended period. This disease can leave a family in destitute circumstances. Look at all of your thoughts and conversations with your husband and family before making decisions concerning questions you will be possibly ask. Examine your life with your relationship with him before this date; what had the two of you discussed for your later life, your income, and financial status, what you know in your heart is right for you and your family.
I know it's easier to think that life would have been better with someone else, but in fact, maybe it still would have turned out "disappointingly".
Young loves are always "young" in our hearts and minds. Sometimes when my hubby is particularly rude or dismissive of me, I will drift back to my youth and just immerse myself in the memories of the time I did have with this man. Then I wake up and face the world.
I guess I just keep hoping against hope that my hubby will "get better" (realistically, I know he's not going to) and hang on to that hope and find fulfillment in other areas of life. I would not break up a marriage and family, and neither would my "ex".
I try to remember better times with my husband. I try to be kind and keep my sadness and tears to myself. He has changed 180 degrees from the man I married. I'm sure with Alz. your husband has changed dramatically also. This is called "life" and there are no guarantees in it at all. I could live very happily with my husband if he acknowledged that I existed and was very sad and lonely for our old relationship. (Once upon a time, it was good, for about 20 minutes.) I'm just trying to replace love for him with the amazing love of grandkids and realizing I have created a wonderful family with him, despite his moodiness. It's OK. And that has to be good enough. God bless you.
My husband has Parkinson's Disease and Lewy Body Dementia. LBD is second in line with AZD. I am the care giver, cook, house keeper etc. There are days when I could scream. At that point I throw a little temper tantrum and the stress passes.
The reason why my situation is different: for years I longed for and imagined how my life would have been with my first love. Of course the dream was a full length love story. I ran into him around 9 years ago. Oh boy am I ever lucky I didn't marry him. The person who posted the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence nailed it. In this case the other side of the fence was full of weeds and full of rubble.
The best to you. I firmly believe when it is our time to pass the worst thing one can have is guilt and remorse. Do your best.
As far as Grandchildren go, you should try to get someone in to help with Tom on the days you have the kids, unless you don't enjoy that. Those beautiful, innocent little faces must bring such joy to be around, that has to do wonders for you. You are so lucky to have them around, mine live in London England 😢 Don't push them away.
I too was in contact with my 1st love via Internet but decided to stop, was just too weird trying to live in the past.
Deal with today and see what tomorrow brings,best wishes.
I have many of the feelings you have for your first love, and it is also understandable because none of your needs now are fulfilled in your marriage. It is also understandable that your family would not agree to any changes in your marriage.
You need to separate two issues: your feelings for a past love, and care for your husband now. As for the second, perhaps you can make less onerous, burdensome, stressful arrangements to care for him: part time help, full time help, other relatives (children?) or a nursing home. These will relieve demands on you, which may be partly why you are looking to the past with remorse.
As to your relationship to your first love, my advice is to tread carefully. A lot of time has passed, and he may have moved on. You may be no more than a pleasant memory, or a painful reminder which he has had to overcome. You say he is married. He may be happy in that marriage, and he may have children or grandchildren. You do not want to be the one to break that marriage up, so if you do decide that you must contact him--and after you have arranged for care for your husband--do so casually. Simply say you were thinking about him and wondered how he is doing. Do not intimate that you are still deeply attached to him, but let his response (or--to be prepared for it--lack of response) be your guide as to how to proceed.
This is just my advice. You and I are surely not the first people in history to ache with remorse and the loss--for whatever reasons--of a first love. May your situation turn out well for you!
You don't really know someone until you have been married to them. I do mean married not just living with them "to see if it works"
Fortunately we don't know what the future will bring so keep doing your duty and find as many outside interests and friends as you can.
This is the kind of situation that is perfect for therapy.
Have you talked to your doctor about your depression and hopelessness? If not start there and ask for a referal to someone in your insurance network that you can see for therapy.
Good therapy can help you think more clearly, see your options and support you in taking care of yourself.
You have the right to a life that includes happiness and and peace.
My high school sweetheart is now a widower... but as usual timing has always been off. When I was free, he wasn't.... and when he was free, I wasn't. It can make life stressful if you get too involved. I know when we reconnected via the internet, it was like being teenagers again.
As for your Mom moving in, what if down the road Rick was free and came back into your life? What would your Mom think as you mentioned your parents didn't like Rick? Something else to think about.... [sigh]