I care for my husband out of duty and I will for the rest of my life. I feel horrible to say the least. When I was young and in love with "Rick" my parents did not approve and forbade me to see him. I still love him!!! I married "Tom" for all the wrong reasons, just to get away from my parents. Now "Tom", my husband, has Alzheimer's!!! (At a young age) I quit my job to care for him and I will care for him for the rest of my life. Trouble is, it is difficult for me to comprehend that I will spend the rest of my life caring for him while I do not love him. Divorce is out of the question as my family would just not understand nor think much of me to abandon him at this stage of the game. What do I do? I still have contact with Rick, email him from time to time, he's married and has a family. I would not do anything to jeopardize my family nor his. I just wish I could go back to a time when I could have married my first love in the first place! Anyway, just needed to vent, I will care for my husband forever.....just not happy with the circumstances....not happy with how things turned out, wish it were different.....any suggestions?
If Rick were available and had the inclination, I would say "go for it." But he is not.
It is perfectly understandable that you have fallen out of love with your husband. It does not make you a bad person.
Now is the time to find joy and happiness elsewhere. There is great abundance all around us. Get yourself some books about mindfulness and meditation. Or join a course or retreat.
I am in a similar situation. I care for my husband, and love him, but am bored to death with him. By the time he finishes a sentence, I am almost asleep. I am tired of being the maid and the cook. And other men do look interesting, I must say. But I am in this to the bitter end.
I find joy and happiness with grandchildren, and daily by joining on-line help groups. I go out for coffee a lot with friends. I read murder mysteries--love' em. So,it is still possible to have an ok life. Lots and lots of people on this site do!
Now onto " Rick". It is easy to romanticize one's first love. Even if you feel your life would have been better with him , and not your spouse, don't live your life pining and waiting . It may never be the way you want it. If it is meant to be, it will be...In the meantime live your life and enjoy new things/relationships. If you need to place your husband in a facility, do so. It doesn't mean you are any less of a caregiver. Just a more relaxed one.
You will never know what your life would have been like with "Rick" . And it doesn't matter at this point.
I hope that you are being paid for being your husbands caregiver. There is a way to receive compensation for you assistance. Ask the lawyer. It names you as the so called "home attendant" and is perfectly legal and acceptable.
I hope things get easier for you and yes, venting is part of caregiving...
I find the first six verses of Psalm 23 to be especially adequate to keep me settled emotionally.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
And your first love. My mom married her first love at the age of 80. My dad passed about fifty years ago, mom dated, but never remarried until he reentered her life. This was about the same time that mom was diagnosed with dementia and uterine cancer. The cancer was eradicated, but the dementia was not. He was an excellent caregiver to her until a hip replacement, then mom was too difficult for him to provide her care any longer. At that point I became the 24/7 caregiver which lasted four years.
They entered a care facility almost two years ago, mom in memory care, he in assisted. He passed this past October, mom was moved to a care home because her behaviors had become unmanageable. She was accepted to hospice about the same time as his death.
Most of the ten years they had together were happy ones for them. Alzheimer's will not last forever. A friend of mine just lost this wife to dementia, she was only 62 and lived about five or six years after her diagnosis. Her behaviors had become impossible to deal with at home, she had to be placed in a facility two years ago, on Medicaid.
Thanks again for your response, it is so nice of you to lift me up and to know I'm not alone in my feelings. It is a hard thing to face for sure. I married when I was 20 and have been married for 45 years.
So what do you do? I think you go forward with the decision you have made, to care for the man you married. This is the "in sickness and in health" part of the vows. Be caring and kind. Don't be a martyr. It is OK to hire help for his care. It is OK to place him in a care facility when the caregiving demands become too great. It is OK to maintain your own life as you look after his.
I look back on my college days and realize there is one decision I wish I had made differently. Sometimes I am a little wistful about it. Sometimes I wonder how things might have been different now if I had been wiser then. I imagine many people -- maybe everyone -- has some regrets about some past decisions. I can't go back and make that decision over, any more than you can go back and marry your true love. We learn, and move forward.
Or as we said in my youth, Bloom Where You Are Planted Now.