My husband has started giving things away. Any advice?

A person who is scared of driving should not get behind the wheel of a motor vehicle, as a car is a weapon! You don't want vehicular manslaughter on your record if you were to kill someone!

I'm scared about driving. I can't do it because of physical disability. My wife, an excellent driver, has incipient dementia (runs in her family). I can no longer let her go anywhere alone, because she can't remember where to turn. Since a scary episode last month when she got lost, she hasn't wanted to go anywhere without me. Except for the fact that I'm not supposed to sit for a long time, that's fine with me

I remember my mom doing this.....giving things away or buying things and the next day not remembering buying them. After she moved to the dem/alz facility the neighbors brought sacks of things she had given to them unbeknownst to my dad. We couldn't believe it. So yes, it is a progression as is hiding things. When we sold the house and moved my dad into a retirement facility we finally found his Rolex watch that she had hidden and bras all over the place. She was like our 3 year old grand son. He hides so many things that we might never see again. :) It sounds like you are on top of things by changing drs. and getting some help there. No one wants to confront someone about driving. I have had that conversation gradually with my dad. I have him "thinking" about it. But I know it's coming when I have to put my foot down. Ugh.....not looking forward to it because that means I will be doing more errands and drs. appts than I even do now and I live 30 minutes away. But it is the best thing for ALL concerned. Good luck and God Bless

Jan123: This site certainly has great tips/advice. All the readers are so generous in helping others (I'm thankful for each one). If I may, I'd just like to share a little story about a friend who's Dad was at the stage where she hadn't gotten him into a NH or assisted living complex at the time. He really thought he could drive, but was getting lost when he would go anywhere. She ended up putting a fake key on his key ring (similar to the real one) - so he would get to the car and then come back in the house saying, "I must have the wrong keys" -- then he would go sit down and read or watch TV. His dementia was a little more progressed, so he forgot that he wanted to go anywhere. This worked for her until finally (sadly) he had to have 'round-the-clock care. Maybe this could help someone else. Thanks for reading!

+Private 1, you have good point about potential violence.
We went thru something like that with my uncle, a chronic alcoholic with multiple vehicles, multiple guns at his place.
Sis and I tried scrambling the keys, which slowed him down some.
We also tried calling the local PD to report him driving under the influence, but, they didn't seem to care a bit...just let him drive around. Not even a ticket.
But I really liked Uncle's solution for stopping G'ma from driving [she had Alzheimer's], by arranging a rigged driver's test at the Licensing agency....he called to make sure they would flunk her on the testing, and they did that.
OF course, she would have flunked the driving portion anyways by that time.
But calling ahead to arrange it, was more safety layers, to make sure the license was taken away and replaced by an ID card that 1st trip to the agency.

I should warn you against doing anything to the car itself because he could easily get very combative, especially if he's used to being independent and driving himself places. Again, don't put yourself or others in danger because again, some people can be dangerous and bad and when you're trying to take away their keys or their car. A person's car is there independence and their freedom. Don't take matters into your own hands by taking the keys or disabling the car in any way because this could put others in danger if this man lashes out physically because his keys are missing or his car is disabled. People can get rather ugly over there vehicles, yes they can become very nasty. I'm only warning you for your safety and the safety of others. Please, let the authorities handle it and follow the tips. Disabling someone's car or hiding their keys can actually send them into a serious out rage against you, which is exactly why I suggested going to a more subtle route and letting the authorities take care of it. Putting myself in your situation, I personally would not do anything with the car or the keys. This is why I suggested making your local police department aware of the danger and letting them handle it. This is also why I suggested alerting your local DMV, because they can take appropriate steps necessary toward asking this guy to follow up with his doctor with written proof as to whether or not he's safe to drive. You can report the danger anonymously. The cops can watch for that car and it's driver. They can pull the car over when they see it and do whatever they need to do. They have the power to impound the car if they see fit, and it sounds like they probably will. They can call you to come and pick him up when the car is confiscated for impound. Keeping close tabs with your local police department is key. If the dangerous driver gets a hold of his keys and hops into the car and takes off, you can immediately call the local police department and follow up with them and tell them where that car is headed. You can also get into your car and follow him until the police get there to pull him over. Make sure to keep your cell phone handy so that you can call the authorities if needed.

One more thing you can try if and only if it happens to be safe to do so is to see if you can block the car in. Let's say the car is in the garage. Let's say you can put your car right outside of the garage door, blocking the car in. To minimize the risk of any damage to your car from a fender bender, park very close to the bumper of the car belonging to the dangerous driver. If the car happens to be out in the open, I have someone parked very close to the front bumper as well as the back bumper, this is a two person job. The idea is to safely block the car in so the driver cannot get out. What you needed to do next is follow through with the other tips by involving the authorities and the DMV, but once again, don't do anything to the car or the keys because again, this could put you in physical danger if he becomes violent.

Lots of great answers on here! The best nuggets are:
1. Get legal POA + Guardianship in place.
2. Get a Doc to document that he is incompetent to handle his affairs.
3. Stop and close out all Credit Cards. Outstanding loan balances become instant and taxable income upon the death of the person who signed for them. Family then has to choose whether to pay income tax on that borrowed money, or, repay the loan balance.
4. Notify his banking institutes that he is no longer able to manage his accounts, and, the PAO is now in charge. There might be some things the bank has to do, regarding new signature cards, etc.
5. If he is still getting around doing things, he could have a small allowance, only on a daily or weekly basis.
6. If someone is incapable of handling their affairs, the are also incapable of driving a vehicle safely anymore. People could be harmed or killed.
Disable his car if it's still at the house: can hide keys, disable mechanical things under the hood, or remove fuses.
Could put the car up on jacks in the garage.
The Licensing bureau can be called to make sure he fails a senior drivers test, that way, "it's their fault" he lost his license, instead of yours.
7. If there are weapons in the house, remove them, or disable them.
I removed a bolt from a rifle, making it unusable; but simply took the pistol with us when we left, to prevent the elder from using them. Had to send the bolt back to my cousin later, so he could use the rifle again.
Guns are a good thing when living in a rural location, BUT...if the person there has become unable to make rational decisions all the time, they shouldn't be around weapons, either.
8. If there are medications in the house which can be used to overdose on, or might become additive in effects when someone also uses alcohol, take those from the house, or lock them up. Make sure the Doc has a letter in their medical file describing the person's habits regarding drugs and alcohol, and, if the person has ever threatened suicide, or had behaviors which can be made worse by alcohol. This is important because Docs need to know, in order to properly prescribe other medications.
And, when the Doc knows that the elder has substance abuse issues, _and_ is mentally deteriorating, the Doc might find it easier to make the full statement in the chart to declare the elder incompetent for living alone, driving, handling their estate, making decisions.
9. Document everything, daily. Keep a diary or a calendar you can jot down highlights of his activities, things said, behaviors. This could literally save you from litigation later. It could also help get him bumped-up on the waiting list for a facility, if needed, to help show he cannot be properly cared for at home anymore.
10. Once an elder is declared incompetent, the POA takes over fully, and, that action prevents anyone else legally conniving to get the elder to change their wills, estate plans, etc.
Hope you can get him worked around to being safe...and that you keep safe, too!

His actions are skewed because he has dementia. Get a social worker involved if it's out of your control.

Because of seizure disorder, I stopped driving in 2008--ironically, the last year I had an actual seizure. I still don't drive, because of physical disability (I have a spinal cord injury and partial paraplegia). But my wife, an excellent driver, is developing mental difficulties, like her mother, maternal grandmother, and big sister (who has full-blown Alzheimer's). She still cooks very nice food. But because three weeks ago she turned the wrong way leaving the supermarket and ended up in a town 40 miles away, with her cell phone discharged because she forgot that I had installed a charger in the car, she no longer goes out by herself, even though it's a pain (literally) in the butt for me. I'm afraid I will have to take over the driving, installing hand controls. When she becomes unable to drive and/or cook, our long-term care insurance will pay for someone to come and do these things for us, though I'd rather move to an Assisted Living place, giving away most of our furniture, books, china, etc. In the meantime, we're managing. She says she's the brawn and I'm the brains. When I was in a nursing home recovering from surgery last summer, I had to call her 2-3 times a day to check up her, to see if she was feeding herself and the cats, taking out the trash, and that sort of thing. To my questions like "have you had any supper yet?" she would invariably answer "I don't know," She has lost 16 pounds in the last year, not on purpose. So on the advice of our doctor I'm handing her a bottle of Ensure at noontime, to boost her calorie intake so she doesn't lose any more weight--a problem most of us envy!

Another thought. based on my experience. There is no cure for dementia, but an adequate amount of money makes the caregiver's life so much easier. Hate to crass, but it is true. Save what you have before more of it is frittered away,

A friends husband "lost" his pants with his wallet and keys in them. She looked high and low each day telling him without his keys and license he couldn't drive and he didn't. She found the pants under the mattress by that time he wasn't asking to drive so she hid the keys and wallet in a drawer.

my father had received a paper from the DOT indicating he needed a physical to renew his license, he was about 87. he said he would just ask the doctor to fill it out and he would send it back. (my dad hadn't driven anyhow for the previous 2 years). I explained to him that the doctor would not do that because that would be fraud and I explained to my dad that it was getting bad with "other" careless drivers and that he would be at risk so he wasn't allowed to drive. we did get the license turned in and just got an ID card. my mom did most of the driving and dad never mentioned it again. plus my dad also had taken everything OUT of the safes in the house and had stuff stuck everywhere, important stuff. so when I got a chance, I would find the stuff and tell my mom that I was keeping at my house for safe keeping. it is part of the dementia. and so was the anger when he thought no one was making him meals and my mother was sitting right there with the food on the table. he is now in a NH where he can be taken care of better. my mother no longer could handle his needs. As far as your loved one driving, have someone remove something from the engine so that he cannot drive OR you take the keys and keep them hid where he can't find them.

I should add that sometimes people with dementia do have a tendency to misplace things, and falsely accuse others later. My surrogate dad had dementia but it was unrecognizable by me for the longest time. What would happen is he would misplace things and go around in circles looking for them. He would then spout off about someone walking off with those items when really they didn't. He would eventually find those items, only to realize that he just mislaid them. He never had a habit of giving things away though, but he would get stuff that he would keep and use. As his dementia advanced, I started realizing that something just wasn't right about him. There was only so much I could bring him at the time since I was not a blood relative. He had no blood relatives, which is why the APS finally had to step in and act accordingly. It's very rough when you have a loved one who's pretty much family but there's no one around to help care for them when that kind of help is definitely required.

He will most likely start accusing others of stealing his things as he won't remember giving it to them.

You mentioned that your husband is "giving things away." When someone gives something away, it becomes a gift to the recipient of that gift. Therefore, you cannot take it back from the recipient. Now had he loaned those items then yes they should come back, but you never mention in your question that these items were actually loaned out but were given away. What you can do to stop his cycle is to first look and see if any of the money he's spending is in a joint account if you happen to have one. If so, you can take the rest of the money and either put it into a separate account with only your name or drop his name from the joint account. Being financial POA has advantages but it only goes so far. I know someone who was POA over his mom but she still had some freedoms. What you really need as mentioned here is actual guardianship so you can have complete control. If you can get a written statement from a doctor stating that your husband has dementia or is somehow in capable of making serious decisions, you can use that as a way to get the bank to help you explore your options regarding the money. My surrogate dad had dementia, but he never behaved anything like you're describing. Dementia can obviously affect people differently to some degree. At some point though, he obtained a guardian over all of his affairs including financial. This is probably what you're going to have to do with your husband as well. Total guardianship will give you the power to stop the cycle of bad spending habits that will only break the bank later. Meanwhile until that happens you can take precautionary steps to protect your financial security and stability. It sounds to me like you're already on the right path by staying in contact with the bank and credit card companies. As a POA, you can call these credit card companies and cancel all of those cards. They charge interest anyway, and interest is something that you definitely don't need hanging over your head at this time. It's bad enough that he's spending unnecessarily, but having to pay interest on top of all of that will drain your finances even more. By canceling those cards you will save a ton of money by just not having them. In fact, what you may want to know is that most bank accounts these days come with an ATM card that can also be used at the checkout just like any other regular card. The only difference is that it's prepaid and attached to your checking account. I use this type of card all the time because it's so much easier to swipe the plastic than to write a check. In fact, you may notice that there are many places that no longer take checks for the simple reason times people write checks on wait for them to bounce. When someone has written a check and taken the goods, it's already too late when the goods are out the door but the check turns out to be bad. This is why more places are requesting cash or debit. Having a prepaid debit card attached to your checking account means there are no fees unless you overdraft. In fact some banks have a 24 hour grace period. You can also have the bank manager set up your new account so that you cannot overdraft. The way this works is that if there's not enough money in there when you swipe your card at the checkout, the transaction will decline the card. This is not that the card is not active, but it's simply that there's just not enough money in the account at the time of purchase. This is how my account is set up so that I don't overdraft, call it overdraft protection. Using a prepaid debit card is so much better than trying to count out money, especially change. Having a prepaid debit card attached to my checking account is the best thing I ever did in the banking area. I've had regular credit cards and believe me you don't want to go into debt especially if you're on fixed income. Even if you're not on fixed income, bad spending habits or frequent splurging by a family member within your household pan drain the finances of everyone who shares the same bank account. This is why I would never have a joint bank account. You may want to really take some serious action to make sure that your husband is not spending shared funds within any joint bank accounts you both may have because this can't text so I put you both down to the point of being flat broke. The spending habits of one can actually take down the whole household if you're not careful.

Yes for the dangerous driving, you marry want to make a secret police report and have your local police watch for that car and tell them who drives it. You can also alert your local BMV about the risk along with the local highway patrol. These are some very smart moves I would make. When you make these reports you definitely want a license plate number and a full description of the car along with who drives that car along with that driver's description. As long as that driver has a valid drivers license along with proof of insurance, chances are very likely they will continue to drive even when it's not safe to do so. What you want to do now in case you run into any problem in taking him off the road is to see what kind of legal protections you can have over your assets such as putting them into a trust or an LLC, (depending on what kind of assets you have.) taking legal action to protect your assets now while you have that chance is the smartest thing you can do. That way, you can't lose your assets if your husband happens to wreck the car and hurt or kill someone. I would talk to anyone you feel you can trust, even if that person happens to be a trusted lawyer about putting your assets into a trust. That way, all of your assets are out of your name in case something major happens at the hands of your husband while he's driving. Yes, compensation will definitely be required if it causes an accident, but it should only come out of his pocket and not anyone else's. That way, it will help him to see the consequences of dangerous driving if he must cough up some money to pay for damage caused by him.

The Area Agency on Aging is your best bet right now. Ask them for an assessment and have them tell him he cannot drive. Since you have power of attorney exercise it and remove all but $500, from your father's bank account into a new one. Don't tell him. Therapeutic lying is useful with dementia folks.Don't give him the renewed credit cards either. Let him carry the old ones and if he's not driving he can't spend money on his own unless he's on the Internet .

Would his doctor write a prescription for driving lessons that includes that he can only drive with an instructor?
I did this with a client who believed she could drive, even though I had her car repaired three times for a total of $7.5K. The driving instructor and I cooperated so that the lessons went on for weeks ands weeks.
Finally, the driving instructor told her that she should not drive any longer. By that time, her interest in driving has waned. Then I disabled her care.
Confrontation around the driving issues makes it worse, IMO. One needs to be clever, especially if the affected person is clever or aggressive.
Also immediately lock up everything of value and items that you treasure. If you don't have access to a security deposit box, then rent a self-storage unit for a short time until you can find a secure place. Be sure the storage unit is in a safe neighborhood and use tamper resistant lock. Also move stuff when your husband is asleep or away from the house.
Most importantly, you must gain control of your assets, especially cash and anything that can be liquidated easily. Cancel as many credit cards as possible or if your credit score is high, then take them out in your own name or have them sent to your attorney--you need a good one ASAP. Other poster offered excellent advice about POAs and guardanianships. Find an attorney who can help you ASAP.
If there are guns in your house, take them to the local police station ASAP. Find out what your state's procedures are for turing in weapons of any kind as well as ammunition. If this applies to you. this can be a real hassle. But be sure you get receipts from the law enforcement officials where you turn the guns in.
Also get rid of all flammable liquid, propane gas tanks, gasoline storage containers around your house immediately. This includes any flammable liquid, paint thinner, brush cleaner, paint remover, etc. In fact, get rid of anything caustic, including drain cleaners.
If you have sharp kitchen knives, chef's knives, cleavers, etc, then you should lock them up or hid them, This could be a pain, but it is better to be safe rather than sorry.
If you have not unplugged your range, then I suggest you consider that option. Find a plumber who can help with a gas range if your have one.
Lastly, get rid or hide matches, lighters or anything else that can start a fire.
You may think that my suggestions are extreme. But safety is where the devil in the details really counts.
Good luck and stay strong.

I see your question regarding giving away possessions is progression. While I cannot answer that, I, too see this and other things you say reflect a possibility of Frontal Lobe Dementia. Therefore, I agree a ***complete*** neuropsyche evaluation is needed to rule out FTD or for a possible 95% probable FTD dx.

Warning: Although you did not ask about anything else regarding giving away possessions, I warn you to gain guardianship asap. My family chose to not do that when our LO with dementia reached the same stage. In a delusional state coupled by a hostile outbreak, after courted/preyed on by a hospice group earlier on the scene for my mother, he changed his will, willing ***everything*** to hospice. No attorney nor anyone else was ever able to successfully contest the will. Had guardianship been invoked when obviously needed, this would have never happened. The family adamantly agreed that was not needed nor desired. I will always regret I did not do it myself, for his sake and ours. Sending a big hug to you. Stay strong.

I have same problems with my soon to be 90 yr. old spouse. I liked everyone's comments; however, my spouse goes to doctor alone where I can't know what is being said. He is very bullheaded, and he refuses to tell me things. He talks to "his" daughters from his 2nd marriage. He is also telling them things about me, true or not. I am the outsider and enemy to all of them. Any advice would be appreciated.

You can call the DMV about the licensing. Tell them you're worried that he will hurt someone. Nearly every state in the US has some means of handling this with or without a doctors advisement. Downside is that you will still need to make sure he has no access to keys or he may still try to drive. If he has a credit or debit card get the bank to switch it out for an ATM only card and put a limit on the amount of cash that can be taken out per day, he gets to keep his pride and still have access to money and you get to know your account won't get cleaned out by some opportunistic someone taking advantage of his generosity. I have my hubby set to only $60 a day. Talk to the kids/friends about returning money that he gives them to you. You can also notify the credit bureaus to flag his account so that nothing gets approved without a call to your cell phone, that makes it a little bit harder to do business but it is worth the extra effort to know that the scammers can't touch a thing. You may need to have your home phone number changed and then private listed to avoid those same scammers from calling back. (hugs) I know it's not easy, none of it is, we're in the midst of it too.

In addition to following advice given here, immediately contact whatever authority in your state issues driver's licenses. Unfortunately, in my state, my husband passed the test. A few month's later he made a poor decision to make a left turn in a place that, although legal, was dangerous. A newly licensed driver hit our car. Our new car was totaled, but no one was injured

happytraveling, how did your father get into debt if POA did it? If POA misused the funds or his authority, it should be reported as misuse of funds or fraud. It shouldn't be your father's debt if you try the legal route of pressing charges. (Just like when someone charges your credit card, you formally dispute it. The same with POA misusing his authority.)

If your father did not do the charges for that 200k debt, then Don't Pay It. He shouldn't pay it off, nor you. Just because they're family doesn't mean you shouldn't press charges for fraud, etc... If they have no problem doing this to their own father and grandfather, why should you have problem reporting them? If you don't, they will continue to charge things under your father's name, increasing his debt.

Your father's debts is HIS debt if he was the one charging it. Not yours - unless you signed paperwork saying that if your father is not able to pay for it, then you will. Or if your name is also on the loan, credit cards, documents, etc....

You have to take the keys away. His driver's license should be taken away. The doctor can notify the DMV.
Take away credit cards...destroy them if you have to. He will continue to do irrational things. Let bank know he is not to take out money. You are protecting him as well as yourself. He is no longer capable of making rational decisions.
Malachy2

My dad did the same, gave away money to relatives, donating to 'charities' and so on. I don't have to worry about this any more because he gave my brother POA and his own son took everything, over $1.1M. Actually, more than everything, leaving him over $200K in debt, which is now my debt. I always thought that since it was my dad's money he could do what he wanted, none of my business, so he said. Such is life...

I agree with comments on all points to include dealing with his access to the car. A less expensive way is to remove the fuse or the relay to the Starter. This way when it is needed, there is no big effort to make that happen.

I had the same problem with my father. Giving away money to charities, thousands of dollars a month. Same with scammers, calling all the time. I had to stop it, as much as I could without him knowing it. Putting money in his grandchildrens birthday and christmas cards, hundreds, and giving them 2 or 3 cards, each one stuffed with money. Bradford Exchange junk piled up to the ceiling. He and my mother needed that money, but he didn't care. Or understand. You can stop your father legally from driving, but for now hiding his keys id goods. Whatever you need to do to keep him off the road. Take him to a Dr and have him diagnosed as incapable, see if you can get the Department of Motor Vehicles to retest him. Good luck, I know how difficult this can be.. https://www.agingcare.com/questions/know-if-elderly-is-competent-or-incompetent-164334.htm

I agree with Pamstegma about getting guardianship. I would also get him in for a neuropsych assessment. It sounds like he might be having frontal lope impairment. You should call his doctor to report the change. You will need the medical support for guardianship.

When it came to driving, my Dad's doctor told him not to drive and Dad accepted that. But there were times when I couldn't drive Dad where he and Mom wanted to go and that became very difficult as Dad would say he would start driving again. That was a hot button for me....

I did find that whenever Dad used the guilt-card by saying he was going to drive, I reminded him that if he had a serious accident he could you sued, and everything he and Mom had saved for the past 70 years including the house could be taken... then where would he and Mom live. That usually stopped his thinking of driving. And on the times that didn't work, I told Dad he would need to call his insurance carrier and tell them he was back being the primary driver. I knew Dad wouldn't make that call.

As for the money spending, any chance of hiring an Accountant/CPA to take charge of the finances? If hubby wants to buy something you can pretend to call the Accountant and then say to hubby that the Accountant said there's not enough money in the monthly budget for that.

Definitely hide a safe in your closet and put all your family's important documents in it. You can buy one at Staples for around $75. I just discovered that a car engine immobilizer costs around $35 plus the cost of installation.

jan123, the wisest course of action would be to immediately seek Guardian status. Meet with an attorney as soon as possible. Hubby can revoke your POA in a snit of bad temper.