Husband in denial about his parents; how do I get him onboard?

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Husband in denial about his parents; how do I get him onboard?

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My in laws need to to go to assisted living, they have even finally started talking about it. My husband will agree when I tell him we need to get the ball rolling on it, but then never really wants to sit down and talk about it. We just found out last night the lease on their apartment is up at the end of October, we thought it wasn't until March. We can't have them sign another lease, we can't afford to pay the fine if they have to break it. How do I get him onboard with this? He says there's no way we can get all of their stuff out of their storage unit in 2 months, but I think that's just an excuse.

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Assisted Living Care Decisions Parents

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Why would you and your H pay fines for your in-laws? Their money should be funding any leases, AL, and everything else.

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Two months is enough, but maybe ask landlord for a month extension.

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Maybe you should start by reading a sort of primer we old time posters have put together. Its in the discussion section and titled "New Posters, read this first". Have your husband read it too.
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/new-posters-read-this-460522.htm?orderby=recent
Are your in laws willing to move? Do they have the funds to pay for AL?

If so, that's great. Make sure you have POA for health and finances for them both.

Are they capable of packing their essentials, as though they are going on a month-long cruise? That will help with essential clothing and such. Next, off season clothing in some bins for storage.

If you've picked the place they are going to, make a diagram and figure out what furniture they can take. We found it easier when my mom moved to buy new, inexpensive stuff from Bob's rather than to move her furniture.

If this is really a very daunting task, hire movers to pack the rest and put it in storage so that you have more time to sort stuff.

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The storage unit that your husband thinks can't be emptied in 2 months - is it part of the apartment deal? Is that why he thinks the move can't be done before the lease is up? Most towns and cities have heaps of private storage units, in rows looking like garages. If the existing storage is linked to the lease, hire one of the private ones for a year and shift everything into it. It has to be cheaper than renewing the apartment lease.

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That's true. If the storage unit has nothing to do with the apartment, then there should be no urgency to get everything out of it.

I have my stuff in a storage unit that doesn't require a lease--it's basically month-to-month but it might require a month's notice to vacate.

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Why would you need to get all their stuff *out* of their storage unit?

Not beginning a project because you're short of time seems to me to be the opposite of logical. If it's a tight deadline, doesn't DH actually need to get more of a move on?

Have you got as far as identifying an ALF your in-laws like the look of?

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What is in the storage unit? If it doesn't fit in their apartment now, how will it fit in an assisted living apartment? Maybe time to downsize further?

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my friend just downsized her things : Offer-up, and other internet stuff, got most of it sold in one week.

So ask the leasing agent about the apartment, tell them what you are up against, can they do a lease up to the end of March? They may have a heart and allow it.
is the storage unit affiliated with the apartment? Are those 2 things on a singular lease?
guess my friend is a wizard at this stuff. 3 houses, theirs, his dad, and then her great aunt's house across the states. yikes. So if she can do that in a reasonable time. No, I wouldn't be able to either... she is amazing. She has a wonderful skill.
look into assisted living in your area. find about their finances.. can they afford assisted living? Perhaps that is the issue...

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In addition, one would probably want to get most of the work done when the weather is conducive to doing so. I see the OP is in Missouri; if the parents are nearby, then the winter months will probably will be less than ideal for accomplishing everything even if they have an extension through March.

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The distance between 'starting to talk about it' & 'done, moved' varies a lot.

My friend's folks, talked, downsized & moved in within a few months. There were younger retirees & once decided, were highly motivated to start the next part of their life.

I'm not feeling the vibe your in-laws are there. Or your DH.

So you can nudge then along maybe... Are they looking for someone to take charge? Or someone to offload all the work onto? Be wary!!

Or wait. Pull back from whatever you do to support their *independance*. Let it fall on your Husband. More than one Husband, when that happens starts yelling I can't do all this!! And the denial just fades away...

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Yes, one can be "starting to talk about something" but to get someone to complete the steps needed to go from there to actually getting it done can be like the proverbial "trying to herd cats"!

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Moving the date up for a move from March to October with all the clean-out that may entail is a big big, but not insurmountable issue. There are a couple of ways to approach this and a few other issues to research. Does the assisted living facility always have apartments available. Where my dad is you need be on a waiting list unless you are looking for a studio apartment. All the one and two bedrooom apartments have waiting lists (the two bedroom apartments have waiting lists of up to two years!) If it is possible to make the move into the new AL apartment at any time then you can check with the landlord to see if you can go on a month-to-month lease at the end of this term with the understanding that they will be leaving no later than March, or maybe just write a new 6 month lease. If that is possible then start doing your clean-up of the storage and their apartment NOW so you are all set when the time for the move comes. If it isn't possible then you'll need to establish a plan B which may be to move everything to a different storage locker temporarily It may cost a bit of money but not as much as potentially having to break the lease. I agree with you that your husband is just using this as an excuse so you need to rationally establish a plan and try to stick to it. The first step is always the hardest and once you get him, and his parents, pointed in the right direction with known deadlines it will get easier. I got my dad moved from a 4 bedroom house that he and my mother lived in for 40 years (including an attic FULL of stuff) into an assisted living apartment and had the house sold all within 2 months. It can be done but I was retired and just did the clean-up and clean-out as though it was a full time job for that period.

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I am not certain where your parents live, but here, in Covid times landlords are feeling lucky if they can rent and get the rent PAID on a month basis often enough. I think it is very unlikely a landlord will take elders in Assisted Living to court for a broken lease, but I could be wrong. They are unlikely to ruin their credit if the rent is not paid, as well. I would consider asking the landlord for month to month rental agreement now. We are landlords, and while we ask to a lease and do due diligence in checking credit the first year, after that we rent out month to month. We have never gone to court if someone had to leave for their own reasons; it isn't worth the time and as landlords in California you have to prove you tried to rent a place to mitigate the loss, which almost always can be done. Good luck whatever you decide after you take everything into consideration.

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Their storage unit is part of their apartment lease. It is all stuff they haven't touched in the 3 years they've been there, but weren't ready to get rid of. Their landlord will do a month to month, but they charge more to do that, and money is tight as it is. They have an AL in mind, that they can afford, it's just getting my husband to sit down with them and get definite answers out of them and get the paperwork going.

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Go ahead and get the paperwork done. Move their storage items to a cheaper unit until it can be sorted. Getting them moved is the priority now.

(5)

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There are some preliminary tasks you could do, without anyone's permission or any delay.

E.g. you could go online to the preferred ALF's website and download as much as there is of application forms, assessment guidance and contract options.

Compare and contrast saying to DH

"You need to talk to your parents and get them to make a decision."

versus

"Here are the details. Here is the assessment form. Here is the link to the virtual tour which you can show your parents by connecting your tablet to their t.v. using this cable."

The big difference is that a) requires thought and is difficult and unpredictable, whereas b) he can just do. Supervise form-filling so that tricky answers are left and gone back to, instead of being allowed to derail the entire process.

With the items in storage: rather than let this be a stumbling block, get prices for cheaper rentals nearby. As they're already packed (presumably!) the items can be transferred wholesale and it then becomes a minor administrative detail. Once the parents are relocated, the incentive to sort the stuff out and get rid of it will be the saving on continuing rental; but that doesn't have an actual deadline on it.

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If your In Laws are already mentioning going to an Assisted Living, then do some research and find a couple nice places and take your Inlaws to visit and if your husband wants to go along fine if not ho without him.

Will their Insurance cover the bill or do they have money saved for this?

Your husband might be waiting for you to ask him about his parents moving in with ya'll.

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Your in laws are on board, they’ve already researched and found a place they like. That’s wonderful.
Next step signing leases etc.
Third step packing and moving.
If husband wants to help, even better- if not, at least in laws have you.
Signing leases is fine, (I’m assuming they have no dementia, that they don’t NEED their sons permission.)
packing and moving can always be bought if it comes down to that. Are their friends or club members who could assist, if professionals are too expensive ?
if they’ve not touched items in storage 3 years are they more detached from the items now-can they donate to a shelter?

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I am an only child, 73 and not in great shape. My mom (95) was living on her own in her condo until she had a stroke. In the space of three weeks (1 in hospital 2 in rehab) I found a nearby assisted living, got her condo sold, moved her furniture to the ALF, distributed or sold remaining furniture, changed over her phone service and still managed to visit her regularly. I am not saying this to pat myself on the back but rather to say it CAN be done. Hard? Yes! But you just need to grab the bull by the horns and go! Maybe if you started a list of things that needed to be done it would help your husband to see more clearly. He could just be overwhelmed by the enormity of it all. I kept a notebook with different sections. When I would meet with the realtor that went into one section that I could refer to if needed. All progress was kept together and that way it helped minimize my confusion. Good luck!

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I had the same issue with my husband about his 91 year old aunt. She has dementia and was unsafe to stay alone in her home. After many attempts to start the ball rolling with sitters I finally went ahead and hired home care. He was relieved that it was done. Your husband may not want to start this himself. I suggest you start the process and I bet he will be on board.

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Try to get an "appointment" to talk about this subject. It may be hard for your husband for several reasons: not ready to admit his parents need more help, feeling overwhelmed by all the tasks, fear... If it were me, I would start researching assisted living facilities in the area so we could focus on the merits of each place. Since COVID is still a "thing," try to do virtual tours of 3-4 places that look like a good fit with your husband and his parents. Then, apply to all the ones that are acceptable. While waiting for a place to open up, tackle all those tasks that need to be accomplished - like getting rid of stuff in the storage unit, paring down stuff in the place they currently live in... FYI, there are people who will haul away everything in a storage unit or house and will even pay you for it. Of course, they plan to sell the furnishings and whatnot. That may be an easier option than hauling it away yourselves.

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Try to get an "appointment" to talk about this subject. It may be hard for your husband for several reasons: not ready to admit his parents need more help, feeling overwhelmed by all the tasks, fear... If it were me, I would start researching assisted living facilities in the area so we could focus on the merits of each place. Since COVID is still a "thing," try to do virtual tours of 3-4 places that look like a good fit with your husband and his parents. Then, apply to all the ones that are acceptable. While waiting for a place to open up, tackle all those tasks that need to be accomplished - like getting rid of stuff in the storage unit, paring down stuff in the place they currently live in... FYI, there are people who will haul away everything in a storage unit or house and will even pay you for it. Of course, they plan to sell the furnishings and whatnot. That may be an easier option than hauling it away yourselves.

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If your husband is hesitant because of having to move the storage unit . Ask your church or any church to help . All churches have volunteers to help people in need. So you do the research andwhen you find the help , then sit him down and let him know . Waiting until the last minute will make the move so much more stressful on everyone. God bless and good luck🙏🙏🌷🌺

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What is there to discuss?

Take your in-laws to sign up for the AL. Schedule a move date and inform your husband that his services are needed on xyz dates.

You can go through the storage and take any photos and family memorabilia then be present when the estate sale company moves and inventories everything to ensure that you have not missed anything.

It is okay to do this for your husband's parents, they need help daily and he is dropping the ball, pick it up and go with it. No one needs his permission to do this and they don't really need his help because everything can be hired.
The longer you wait for him the greater the chance that something happens and creates an emergency. Get them moved!

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i like your answer, it's a clear, pragmatic approach.

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If your husband isn't an only child, see if one of his siblings will take the lead.

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I’m glad this site is here to support caregivers. I would like to present a little different angle from my own culture and perspective. What is the reason you say “it’s time” for your in laws to go to a senior home? From the thread it looks like they don’t have dementia or other debilitating issues. I’ve noticed the concept of assisted living is a decidedly western and recent institution, where as in other cultures there’s a belief that it’s important for the inter generations to live together unless there’s a bonafide medical condition or severe dementia.

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I found it really interesting and helpful to read the book "Being Mortal: Illness, Medicine and What Matters in the End" by American surgeon Atul Gawande. I found the book through this group. It has a lot of personal reflections and information from other cultures. (The author details the last illness of his father, a doctor himself, who was an immigrant from Uti, Maharashtra, in western India.) But it details a lot of the good (and bad) history of the rise of the Assisted Living facilities in America and how they've gone from innovative alternatives to horrid "nursing homes" to cash cows for corporations, but also has a lot of good information about how American culture in particular needs to address seniors' needs for independence.

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Ombudsman via eldercare law help via 211-- call 'em. Store their stuff at a public storage in a 10x10 whatever can fit into it. Then donate the rest to Goodwill or St. Vincent de Paul-- tell you husband Christians call it New Beginnings-- take him to 3 different assisted living facilities and to one independent living -- and sample the lunch time food-- call, make appointments-- get the full tour and check out especially the entertainment director and staff-- no sense in boring you in-laws to tears-- see about whether each place has a bus to go to various shopping centers. The main thing is the food-- Sysco is so-so. Gordon's is better. Good luck hunting! Do not put it off-- if hubby won't come -- nominate another family member, his sister or brother ! Nothing beats a free lunch !

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Two things in your favor: your inlaws are on board with moving and you have a deadline to make the move between now and Oct 31. Worse case scenario, if you haven't found assisted living by then, talk to landlord about going to mo/to/mo lease for a few more months. If landlord not agreeable, then start showing available assisted living units now. Read reviews on any facility you are considering. You will see good and bad reviews, but evaluate if the complaints are minor or major issues.

Tell hubby there is no rush right now to move things out of storage. Not to mention, some of the things they cannot take to assisted living will need to go to storage for now, too, if he is too overwhelmed to deal with those things right now.

Have the discussion with him from THEIR point of view and not your own. THEY are ready to move. THEY need the additional help. THEY will get to stay together. There is no need to put the storage items into the list of things that need to be done right now. The only urgency would be finding a place now and getting them in it. The rest can be dealt with later, much later. --- In case you happen to be talking about a storage unit on the property where they currently live, then rent a big one and put everything in that until such time he is ready to go through things. It's possible doing all of this in two months is just too much for him mentally right now, not physically. Also enlist some other relatives or friends to help on the move day so it's not all on him/you.

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Imho, they have two good reasons to move forward - they are on board with it and they have a lease on an apartment expiring on October 31. Also, do not use your own financials for any fine. Prayers and good luck sent.

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Why are you making this your responsibility? There’s 3 other adults in this situation with more skin in the game. Perhaps they don’t like you organising them?

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Your in laws are on board with a move, that's huge! so, now is the time. No biggie if your husband can't move on it.. just hire the work (inlaws paying, i would hope). I imagine if he thinks all this is too costly, he may decide to join the effort and eliminate paying for outside help. Also, this is assuming there are no other siblings helping your inlaws, and it's just you and your husband for support.
It will take plenty of legwork on your part, finding a place and spearheading the whole transition. I would say to just take the executive's role, and delegate the physical, so you don't knock yourself out. in the end, your husband will appreciate you for it (he better!) :)

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Hire movers and get another storage unit.
Seriously, you call his response an excuse although it is denial, sadness and fear. He is losing the parents/family he knew, not the people they are now and becoming.

Have a heart-to-heart with him. It is easy to see beneath his response. Give him space and undivided focused attention to hear him out, finding out how he feels and giving him space to release his pain and sadness.

While aspects are an intellectual, mental decision, he is dealing or approaching this need emotionally and psychologically. Talk to him. Validate his feelings and help him get his feelings out (if he has difficulty doing it himself).

Is better to pay for another storage unit than another year's rent.
Present this in black and white, as and when needed.
And, give him a hug.

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Husband in denial about his parents; how do I get him onboard?

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