Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
Assuming you are the wife, is it that you feel that one or more of your husband's four siblings should be selected for the role of primary caregiver, and he thinks he should (which, we will agree for the sake of the argument, means you should), and you have delivered an ultimatum and he has gone with keeping mother?
If this total guess is anywhere near-ish, stick to your guns. Avoid calling him moma's boy to his face, though, I should.
What is MIL's situation and what are the better options?
Yes I am the wife and yes I feel all the siblings should share the responsibility. ( I was never part of his family events or lives, now they want me to be caretaker.) I did put my foot down after 2 years of being told his mother was moving in, I can moveout and divorce him, because he was not going to put his mother in a home and he did not trust his siblings to takecare of her, he said he thinks they just want her money.
You have bigger issues than who is going to be caregiver for your MIL. You have a "husband" who will throw you under the bus for his mommy. Please consider marriage counseling. I hope he agrees to go. Does he care if you leave him? If he won't agree to counseling then you by yourself should see a therapist to give you an objective perspective on the chaos of this family. Don't let the cost be an obstacle -- you're worth it. I wish you all the best as you sort things out and make decisions.
Yikes, now I've read just about everything on this forum. I cannot think of any possible scenario where this would be acceptable. It's totally dysfunctional in addition to being completely unwise. If there is a financial issue with being able to afford care for the mother, this is what Medicaid is for. If it is because he made a "promise" to his mother, again this is a no. If this is about him being guilt-ridden because his mother is resistant to going into a facility or he thinks facilities are awful places, he needs to go and visit a nice, local one to see otherwise. His wife is his priority, period. As an Italian-American (in the culture that invented Momma's Boys) I cannot believe he would even for 1 second consider this as an option. FYI his siblings are under no moral or ethical obligation to help in this. If they haven't helped thus far, they will not help in the future. Have him read some of the posts on this forum under the topic Burnout if he thinks he can care for his mother (alone) and live a healthy, normal life.
Are u the wife? If so, please don't write in 3rd person. It becomes confusing.
This house is the wifes just as much as it is his. But, if wife doesn't want to care for MIL then she may want to move out. And when she does, she is entitled to half of everything. This really is something that needs a lawyer.
You need to care for yourself right now. a. go see a lawyer, not necessarily for a divorce, but for advice about retaining your fair share of the assets. b. go to Florida where it is warm. (I live in Northern Michigan and we had snow today) c. I wonder what your husband will do when mamma dies?
MIL, now 92, began to go downhill from her 90th birthday or thereabouts. Once she began to show signs of unmistakeable decline, differences of opinion sprang up among the five children about what to do next. The OP's DH is the child who says the equivalent of "if my mommy wants a duck supper, she's gonna get a duck supper..." and marches himself into the oven as in the notorious child-scarring nightmare-creating Tom & Jerry episode. The OP says "er..?" and her DH, in a knee-jerk reaction, says back me or move out.
Fast forward 2 years, and he is more deeply entrenched. And instead of spending time researching and thinking it through and finding out what is needed and what might help, he is picking fights with OP.
CitCat - what would you *like* to happen? Care-sharing doesn't work, especially not when the older person has dementia - they can't cope with the changes of surroundings and it always breaks down rapidly anyway. So... what are the other choices? What does MIL want, for a start?
I am grateful for each comment,I needed a quiet,private conversation with out the knowledge of close people, sometimes its better to come from someone ouside. I just lost my father last year, yet there seems to be no consideration. I take responsibility for allowing my husband to put me on the 4th burner the last 20 years, now maybe I should take his advise.
Many years ago, my Father, who is a wonderful caring man, wanted to take on the care of his elderly Mother.
The reality of that was pointed out ie: He would be at work. The care (99%) would fall on his wife. She was not & could not be a caregiver. The dynamics of his household would change. Cause stress due to limited number of bedrooms & only ONE bathroom. Would it suit the families needs? No. Would Grandma like to spend her sunset years rocking out to teen music? Maybe not.
So that plan did not work for everyone in it & did not go ahead.
It was a loving idea, to take care of his Mother but in the end common sense prevailed.
I strongly suggest marriage counselling so you can start to see the other's viewpoint. (ie He gets some third party input & sees some SENSE!)
Wow. You're married for 20+ years & get an ultimatum that you either take care of the MIL with dementia or you move out? I'd move out & hire a very, very good divorce attorney who will make DH see the error of his ways in terms of $$$$$ and cents. But that's just ME. Because to ME, a marriage is all about team work, not ultimatums. By the time an ultimatum is issued, it's a bit late for therapy or marriage counseling, I think. That should have come first, before the ultimatum was issued.
My condolences over the loss of your father and getting little or no consideration from your loved ones over that loss.
I hope you can work this out with your husband, some way, some how. If not, I hope you can get help from a good attorney who can see to it that YOUR future is financially secure for YOUR sake. 20+ years is a long time to invest in a marriage and this is one heck of a way for it to end. Best of luck.
Wow--well, I can say that this situation happened to me with my DH and his dad. When FIL needed 24/7 care. DH just blithely tells him he can move in with us. There was NO discussion about how we'd make this work having a small house and 2 teenage daughters still living at home. One would have had to give up her bedroom. "They should be proud to be a part of taking care of her grandfather!" was DH's take.
Yeah--this wouldn't have worked for many reasons, the main one being that although I loved his dad---Dh travels extensively for work and I would have been home alone with a very sick old man almost all the time...and the fact that had he just 'brought dad home to stay' one night, daughters and I were set to move OUT. And DH could have figured out what to do.
FIL died 17 years ago. I went out to his place 3xs a day for several months. Cleaned, cooked & doctored him. That was the 'compromise' and still took care of my kids and DH and to this day all I hear is how 'selfish' I was.
You stick to your guns. Seriously. I didn't have to go further than one huge blow up with DH in which I just completely lost it. He quickly opted to stick with being married rather than having no wife and dad living with him.
Oh---and I told him that I would clean him out, financially. Maybe that's hitting below the belt--but I gave up a career to stay him with his 5 kids and allow him to pursue HIS career w/o any worry about who is taking care of business.
To this day, I know this is THE angriest I ever got with my DH.
It seems to me that this might be a power play that DH thinks will work – he thinks you will never move out and he will win. If so, he has never really considered the mechanics of losing. These include that you will move out, he will immediately take on full care of MIL, you will start divorce proceedings, he will have to sell the house, there will be a huge bust up with his siblings etc etc.
As a matter of fact, we have neighbors who just recently went through a very similar power play. He bought a motorbike, she insisted that he sell it or move out. He refused to move out, picked up everything in spoiled daughter’s special ‘lego room’, moved there with his swag, and just sat it out. Successfully. She went to a lawyer, and the reality of divorce finally dawned on her.
DH also needs to face reality. Perhaps in your case, you move out for a month. DH finds out the reality of caring for MIL, gets your lawyer’s letter re divorce (including asking for immediate details of his assets), gets the backlash from his siblings. Perhaps you clear out any joint bank accounts, at least take enough to live on now. Then with any luck, you both start again to negotiate a sensible outcome. This will be painful for you, but not as painful as giving in again and sitting permanently on the 4th burner.
That triggers me a lot--Dh wanted motorcycle and got his license for it. Comes home one early morning all excited b/c he had passed the test. (This was the day before my daughter was scheduled to have her 3rd baby and the other 2 kids were coming to my house for a week. Just recovering from back surgery, I needed DH to be home to help with the kids.
He wanted to go for a day's ride on the cycle. I said "Do NOT call me to pick you up from the hospital". He didn't, he called out neighbor. He managed to lay that EXPENSIVE cycle down in a rock field in one of our beautiful Utah canyons. He should have died, almost did.
I was so beyond angry. He went to 3 hospitals over the course of the next month, had 4 blood transfusions, has not been the same since the severe concussion, etc.....Needless to say I was not able to help my daughter nearly as much as she needed and DH was a complete ass about me not 'taking good care of him'.
I have spoken to a lawyer about divorce proceedings once. The time with his dad, I knew his dad wouldn't live much longer. The motorcycle? Just selfishness pure and simple and honestly? I still have not totally forgiven him. $12,000 JUST for the bike & helmet. Of course, he didn't opt for insurance---he was a GREAT motorcyclist.
"Power plays" are not what marriage is about. I have sacrificed so much so he could have the life he wanted--so he's had the married but single life. Guy trips, high adventure, you name it. He got to do it.
I'm am nowhere near as nice as I used to be. And he has learned his lesson.
I would not move out. Not unless and until you talk to a lawyer. Moving out may look like YOU are abandoning the marriage, him, the house. This may impact settlement when divorce is filed. Sound like I am jumping to conclusions, but I would be on the phone with a good lawyer. At this point HE can move out to care for mom
Beatty, I remember that poster who got the 'take care of MIL or I'll divorce you. Unbelievable. There's only one response to any spouse that makes such a demand.
Something was said to get your 50% of the money before filing for divorce. Once you file, its up to the court to determine who gets what. Even thought you share a bank account, a spouse can go and clean it out even though 50% may be the other spouses. So, take you share now and set it up in another acct.
Seems you have never been #1. Thats not a marriage. I have a couple of friends that divorced after 20 yrs and found wonderful men. Maybe its time.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If this total guess is anywhere near-ish, stick to your guns. Avoid calling him moma's boy to his face, though, I should.
What is MIL's situation and what are the better options?
This house is the wifes just as much as it is his. But, if wife doesn't want to care for MIL then she may want to move out. And when she does, she is entitled to half of everything. This really is something that needs a lawyer.
I am so sorry that you are going through this dilemma.
Your husband needs therapy and ASAP!
a. go see a lawyer, not necessarily for a divorce, but for advice about retaining your fair share of the assets.
b. go to Florida where it is warm. (I live in Northern Michigan and we had snow today)
c. I wonder what your husband will do when mamma dies?
MIL, now 92, began to go downhill from her 90th birthday or thereabouts. Once she began to show signs of unmistakeable decline, differences of opinion sprang up among the five children about what to do next. The OP's DH is the child who says the equivalent of "if my mommy wants a duck supper, she's gonna get a duck supper..." and marches himself into the oven as in the notorious child-scarring nightmare-creating Tom & Jerry episode. The OP says "er..?" and her DH, in a knee-jerk reaction, says back me or move out.
Fast forward 2 years, and he is more deeply entrenched. And instead of spending time researching and thinking it through and finding out what is needed and what might help, he is picking fights with OP.
CitCat - what would you *like* to happen? Care-sharing doesn't work, especially not when the older person has dementia - they can't cope with the changes of surroundings and it always breaks down rapidly anyway. So... what are the other choices? What does MIL want, for a start?
Yes, the situation is very uncomfortable for you. I think everyone sees this.
Best wishes to you and your family.
A divorce attorney will likely take up all that inheritance he expects to get, so start making some calls.
Many years ago, my Father, who is a wonderful caring man, wanted to take on the care of his elderly Mother.
The reality of that was pointed out ie: He would be at work. The care (99%) would fall on his wife. She was not & could not be a caregiver. The dynamics of his household would change. Cause stress due to limited number of bedrooms & only ONE bathroom. Would it suit the families needs? No. Would Grandma like to spend her sunset years rocking out to teen music? Maybe not.
So that plan did not work for everyone in it & did not go ahead.
It was a loving idea, to take care of his Mother but in the end common sense prevailed.
I strongly suggest marriage counselling so you can start to see the other's viewpoint. (ie He gets some third party input & sees some SENSE!)
My condolences over the loss of your father and getting little or no consideration from your loved ones over that loss.
I hope you can work this out with your husband, some way, some how. If not, I hope you can get help from a good attorney who can see to it that YOUR future is financially secure for YOUR sake. 20+ years is a long time to invest in a marriage and this is one heck of a way for it to end. Best of luck.
Yeah--this wouldn't have worked for many reasons, the main one being that although I loved his dad---Dh travels extensively for work and I would have been home alone with a very sick old man almost all the time...and the fact that had he just 'brought dad home to stay' one night, daughters and I were set to move OUT. And DH could have figured out what to do.
FIL died 17 years ago. I went out to his place 3xs a day for several months. Cleaned, cooked & doctored him. That was the 'compromise' and still took care of my kids and DH and to this day all I hear is how 'selfish' I was.
You stick to your guns. Seriously. I didn't have to go further than one huge blow up with DH in which I just completely lost it. He quickly opted to stick with being married rather than having no wife and dad living with him.
Oh---and I told him that I would clean him out, financially. Maybe that's hitting below the belt--but I gave up a career to stay him with his 5 kids and allow him to pursue HIS career w/o any worry about who is taking care of business.
To this day, I know this is THE angriest I ever got with my DH.
As a matter of fact, we have neighbors who just recently went through a very similar power play. He bought a motorbike, she insisted that he sell it or move out. He refused to move out, picked up everything in spoiled daughter’s special ‘lego room’, moved there with his swag, and just sat it out. Successfully. She went to a lawyer, and the reality of divorce finally dawned on her.
DH also needs to face reality. Perhaps in your case, you move out for a month. DH finds out the reality of caring for MIL, gets your lawyer’s letter re divorce (including asking for immediate details of his assets), gets the backlash from his siblings. Perhaps you clear out any joint bank accounts, at least take enough to live on now. Then with any luck, you both start again to negotiate a sensible outcome. This will be painful for you, but not as painful as giving in again and sitting permanently on the 4th burner.
He wanted to go for a day's ride on the cycle. I said "Do NOT call me to pick you up from the hospital". He didn't, he called out neighbor. He managed to lay that EXPENSIVE cycle down in a rock field in one of our beautiful Utah canyons. He should have died, almost did.
I was so beyond angry. He went to 3 hospitals over the course of the next month, had 4 blood transfusions, has not been the same since the severe concussion, etc.....Needless to say I was not able to help my daughter nearly as much as she needed and DH was a complete ass about me not 'taking good care of him'.
I have spoken to a lawyer about divorce proceedings once. The time with his dad, I knew his dad wouldn't live much longer. The motorcycle? Just selfishness pure and simple and honestly? I still have not totally forgiven him. $12,000 JUST for the bike & helmet. Of course, he didn't opt for insurance---he was a GREAT motorcyclist.
"Power plays" are not what marriage is about. I have sacrificed so much so he could have the life he wanted--so he's had the married but single life. Guy trips, high adventure, you name it. He got to do it.
I'm am nowhere near as nice as I used to be. And he has learned his lesson.
NOBODY gets everything they want!
Sound like I am jumping to conclusions, but I would be on the phone with a good lawyer.
At this point HE can move out to care for mom
Moving into a spare room until this is settled comes to mind. May be adding fuel to an already hot blaze though?
Maybe a girl's weekend away would do it?
I believe she took the kids & left for a long vacation at relatives.
I wonder if reality fell from the sky like a tonne of bricks (hope so).
This is different as the Husband says he will do the care. Hmmmm.
Choosing Mother over wife = no wife.
There's only one response to any spouse that makes such a demand.
Get a lawyer and see you in the divorce court.
Seems you have never been #1. Thats not a marriage. I have a couple of friends that divorced after 20 yrs and found wonderful men. Maybe its time.