Some days when I take him out for a ride, he becomes aggressive and hits me, pulls my hair, and even turns the key in the car, in which instance I had to turn the car on again in order to continue driving. He’s delusional and confused and at times doesn’t think I’m his wife. He thinks we are in a hotel when we are at home and this occurs in the morning as well. There really is no let up and I’m struggling to stay in one piece.
I wonder if memory care is better for him and for me. Unfortunately, the memory care facility here is awful.
What can I do? I want to live a normal life.
Your husband's delusions are in line with dementia and Sundowning. Call his doctor to let him know what's going on and how agitated and aggressive he's become, so meds can be prescribed to calm him down. Definitely call 911 the very next time he TOUCHES you in an angry manner so he can be taken to the ER for a psych evaluation. Don't chalk things off to 'just dementia' and wind up dead as result, God forbid! Your husband needs medication to control his violent outbursts, and he needs it immediately.
Just as you'd get him to the hospital for a burst appendix or other medical emergency, your husband needs medical attention for THIS issue too b/c it also constitutes a medical emergency. Because YOUR safety is at risk right now. Make sure to hide the knives in the kitchen and be certain there are no firearms in the house, too. Violent outbursts happen all the time when dementia is at play, unfortunately.
Best of luck.
He is going to seriously hurt you or get you killed. This is a dangerous situation for both of you.
There is no time left for ‘considering’ memory care. It’s WAY past time!
Yes, time for Memory Care, but first your husband's doctor needs to get him on some type of calming medicine, otherwise Memory Care may not take him. I looked on the Internet, there are quite a few senior facilities in or near your area.
Take him for a walk if you want but not in a car. If you have to take him in the car he sits in the BACKSEAT and make sure that the child safety locks are engaged. And he sits on the passenger side not behind you.
I told myself that I would care for my Husband at home as long as it was SAFE.
SAFE for ME to care for him and SAFE for HIM for me to care for him at home.
It sounds to me as if it is no longer safe for you to be caring for him at home.
There has to be more than 1 Memory Care facility near you. Look again, tour them with an open mind.
If you are not ready for Memory Care now look into Adult Day programs where he will be out for a while.
Talk to his doctors about medication for the aggression and anxiety.
When my husband complains or gets riled:
1) I agree with him and convincingly fuss about his complaint even more strongly than he does, and I mean it (in my voice) as if we were on the same side. I almost make like it was my idea to complain about whatever bothers him, ("That's what I thought too"), and I lean slightly into needing his support. Think in terms of allies in politicial philosophy.
For example, I become dead set on calling the doctor about the lunacy of taking a shower and to ask if we can stop taking them. "For G-d sakes afterall, we're grown people and we don't need them". He's calmed, feels supported and before he knows it the shower is over and done with. He won't remember that I supported his rage. What is important is that he's right. Being right about anything is the last grasp of control in the chaotic prison of his mind. Being right is very soothing.
Another example, when he insists on wearing pj's to go shopping. I tell him okay, it's a style. I wait 10 minutes and put out a nice outfit without saying words. If he starts to percolate I tell him "Do Not put it on, I was just checking to see if it needs ironing or mending". "Yup, it looks to be okay". "Do you think it needs a belt?" And if you must just go out with him in his pj's, people will recognize the situation and know by your proper dress that you are a caregiver.
2) I give him cool water to drink, he may be cranky due to thirst. I always carry a insulated thermal bag with ice packs to keep a bottle of water chilled. Think diaper bags young moms always carry full of emergency stuff.
3) Go to a bathroom and tell him to pee.
4) Offer a delicious tiny guava flavored hard candy (H-Mart)or a little something he loves. I always keep some guava candies in my pocket. He is being served and/or given attention.
5) I told his neurologist about his behavior and that doctor has prescribed a medication to take as needed like 45 minutes before an outing, a shower, or hair cut. I often forget to give him the meds and use my back-up strategies.
I want to live a normal life as well. Many, many, many caregivers want that too, in the meantime, beside this great forum, contact a support group.
He depends on you to be in command. I hate it, but we git'er done or keep trying. It's not forever.
Find out if you can get respite care. You may need time off for a breather, to collect yourself, and research great teachers like Teepa Snow.