Some days when I take him out for a ride, he becomes aggressive and hits me, pulls my hair, and even turns the key in the car, in which instance I had to turn the car on again in order to continue driving. He’s delusional and confused and at times doesn’t think I’m his wife. He thinks we are in a hotel when we are at home and this occurs in the morning as well. There really is no let up and I’m struggling to stay in one piece.
I wonder if memory care is better for him and for me. Unfortunately, the memory care facility here is awful.
What can I do? I want to live a normal life.
If he is as violent as you say, a MC facility at a distance may be a good thing. You may need to love him from afar.
It is beyond time. Take every moment you have to research facilities.
You are the most valuable resource he has. You need to get him placed so you can continue to advocate for him. If you are injured or killed you cannot help him. He does not recognize that fact.
His mind is deteriorating and the only way he can respond is by getting violent. You have a three year old in a large body.
I speak from experience. My DW called the police on me at 3am due to hallucinations.
My husband was not pleasant when he first developed sundowning. After 2 weeks of Seroquel, he is back to normal. Talk to your doctor.
There is no way I would stay with husband who is aggressive, you don’t deserve it, dementia or not.
Please don‘t drive with him.
Get him help right away. He might stop attacking you. It could get dangerous if you don't.
Sounds like you could both benefit from him being on a med to keep him calmer. His condition sounds quite advanced. If the MC near you is bad, get him in one further away. You don't have to and IMHO should not visit every day anyways.
Living a "normal life" with a dementia patient isn't possible..............you're both way past "normal." Time to take care of you.
It's wonderful to have a forum like this to get advice and to give advice. What works for one does not necessarily work for another. While your DH is 'lucky' to have you, YOU are not 'lucky' to have HIM in a violent mode acting out on YOU!!! Fix this situation before YOU become a statistic. Abuse is abuse, even when dementia and disease is the cause of that abuse. It's not okay nor is it excusable or warranted BECAUSE of the disease mechanism at play. It's your wake up call to say ENOUGH: it's time to place my husband now!! You know that when you hear yourself say "There really is no let up and I'm struggling to stay in one piece."
Please do not become a statistic OP! Please look into Memory Care for DH immediately! A Place for Mom here can help you, if you need it.
So funny, but no harm done. I love it. Cancel culture has sure extended its tentacles even to this little neck of the woods. Yet, for true, I realize the seriousness of the cord that's been struck and I am deeply sadden at the possibilities.
May I offer that my perspective is only my perspective. Among us there will always be some that are stronger and more experienced, and some who are weaker and less hands-on experienced than others.
Responders may not hit a poster’s question on the head but it may be useful to a random reader. I’ve read responses to questions I haven’t encountered yet and found it enlightening or simply enjoyed or admire how some folks clearly communicate heart wrenching thoughts that are not only new territories for them but also difficult to put into words.
I don’t blame anyone’s emotions or lack of control. This is a sensitive subject and way of life. It makes some of us blind to the obvious, and primitive in our reaction, but it can also bring to the surface that very best in us we weren’t even aware we had until challenged.
We’re all doing our very best under stress.
Warm regards.
Second, he is not doing these things to you, he is doing them to a stranger. The exact same thing happened with my Mom and Dad. Your husband's dementia has him living in a completely different world than we live in. Those "alternate you's" are his brains way of dealing with HIS reality
Third....it IS time for Memory Care. He needs professionals that know how to deal with this. Mom flourished when we moved her to Memory Care. Dad stayed away for 1 week. When he came to see her the 1st time after the week was up, Mom looked up and said "Sugarman! Where have you been? I missed you so much!" It was beautiful to see💜
A Place for Mom was Extremely helpful in finding her place and it has been a blessing.
Btw. Mom is in her last days in hospice AT the Memory Care now and we are all so blessed that they are a part of our lives now💜
When my husband complains or gets riled:
1) I agree with him and convincingly fuss about his complaint even more strongly than he does, and I mean it (in my voice) as if we were on the same side. I almost make like it was my idea to complain about whatever bothers him, ("That's what I thought too"), and I lean slightly into needing his support. Think in terms of allies in politicial philosophy.
For example, I become dead set on calling the doctor about the lunacy of taking a shower and to ask if we can stop taking them. "For G-d sakes afterall, we're grown people and we don't need them". He's calmed, feels supported and before he knows it the shower is over and done with. He won't remember that I supported his rage. What is important is that he's right. Being right about anything is the last grasp of control in the chaotic prison of his mind. Being right is very soothing.
Another example, when he insists on wearing pj's to go shopping. I tell him okay, it's a style. I wait 10 minutes and put out a nice outfit without saying words. If he starts to percolate I tell him "Do Not put it on, I was just checking to see if it needs ironing or mending". "Yup, it looks to be okay". "Do you think it needs a belt?" And if you must just go out with him in his pj's, people will recognize the situation and know by your proper dress that you are a caregiver.
2) I give him cool water to drink, he may be cranky due to thirst. I always carry a insulated thermal bag with ice packs to keep a bottle of water chilled. Think diaper bags young moms always carry full of emergency stuff.
3) Go to a bathroom and tell him to pee.
4) Offer a delicious tiny guava flavored hard candy (H-Mart)or a little something he loves. I always keep some guava candies in my pocket. He is being served and/or given attention.
5) I told his neurologist about his behavior and that doctor has prescribed a medication to take as needed like 45 minutes before an outing, a shower, or hair cut. I often forget to give him the meds and use my back-up strategies.
I want to live a normal life as well. Many, many, many caregivers want that too, in the meantime, beside this great forum, contact a support group.
He depends on you to be in command. I hate it, but we git'er done or keep trying. It's not forever.
Find out if you can get respite care. You may need time off for a breather, to collect yourself, and research great teachers like Teepa Snow.
call your county office of aged and disabilities office if you need more guidance.
You are in an unsafe environment… you know what you have to do
Also, you should be able to check with Social Security and also look into websites like 'A Place for Mom' (this is a referral service but was helpful to us in narrowing down choices).
Good luck - you need help and I will pray you find it.
●1st: Has your husband been evaluated about this severe dementiarelated behavior?they may be underlying medical condition*?
-2nd:During the day particularly early evening: planify Relaxing activity: no loud TV or violent TV program,soft relaxing music,herbal tea such as: camomile,..
*After evaluation: Can you ask his Dr for a medication to calm him down, to take as needed before taking him out for important appointment?
Can you get help for these apts?
If not and not absolutely needed for safety reasons don't obviously take him in the car..
ANY dementia helpline?
-For other necessary outing you may "prepare" him before and slowly:" dear we are going out ...
Ok?.."no rush..people with dementia can " loose" it quickly ...agressivity may be his way of reacting to a seemingly brutal change...
-3rd: don't Argue,or deny his claims..Rather in a mild and Calm voice: Acknowledge his fears,delusions etc..say something like:" you feel this way" etc..+:"I am sorry.. I understand".."can I help you?"....
-4th: Can you hire a part time care assistant?
To give you time to rest...
Hope these can help..
Ps: security tip: hide any sharp object: knives,scissors etc..
He is going to seriously hurt you or get you killed. This is a dangerous situation for both of you.
There is no time left for ‘considering’ memory care. It’s WAY past time!
Yes, time for Memory Care, but first your husband's doctor needs to get him on some type of calming medicine, otherwise Memory Care may not take him. I looked on the Internet, there are quite a few senior facilities in or near your area.
Your husband's delusions are in line with dementia and Sundowning. Call his doctor to let him know what's going on and how agitated and aggressive he's become, so meds can be prescribed to calm him down. Definitely call 911 the very next time he TOUCHES you in an angry manner so he can be taken to the ER for a psych evaluation. Don't chalk things off to 'just dementia' and wind up dead as result, God forbid! Your husband needs medication to control his violent outbursts, and he needs it immediately.
Just as you'd get him to the hospital for a burst appendix or other medical emergency, your husband needs medical attention for THIS issue too b/c it also constitutes a medical emergency. Because YOUR safety is at risk right now. Make sure to hide the knives in the kitchen and be certain there are no firearms in the house, too. Violent outbursts happen all the time when dementia is at play, unfortunately.
Best of luck.
Take him for a walk if you want but not in a car. If you have to take him in the car he sits in the BACKSEAT and make sure that the child safety locks are engaged. And he sits on the passenger side not behind you.
I told myself that I would care for my Husband at home as long as it was SAFE.
SAFE for ME to care for him and SAFE for HIM for me to care for him at home.
It sounds to me as if it is no longer safe for you to be caring for him at home.
There has to be more than 1 Memory Care facility near you. Look again, tour them with an open mind.
If you are not ready for Memory Care now look into Adult Day programs where he will be out for a while.
Talk to his doctors about medication for the aggression and anxiety.