My husband was diagnosed with beginning stages of dementia in Dec. 2015. He is currently on Namenda XR. What I am currently seeing is some repeating of questions and the fact that when I go out, how soon will you be back. He often admits he does not like to be alone. One of the biggest issues is when I tell him that I am going out with a friend for lunch or dinner, he says sure you can go. Then when I am getting ready, he will ask where I'm going and yells that I never told him, when in fact I did. I even write things on the calendar. I am trying to figure out how do I deal with the fact that I told him, but he doesn't remember. He makes me feel like I'm telling a lie, which I am not. All help and suggestions appreciated, thank you.
Perhaps, since he doesnt believe you-as would my mother, she would think I "just" wrote it on the calendar- You could have him write it on the calendar himself (get a HUGE desk calendar) I never argued with her, I always just pointed at it.... But large sharpie on a single piece of paper succinct and to the point note so he can re-read it as needed-- taped to table- I tried the wall and she didnt see it :P
Anger is fear being expressed...
I know how very, very painful it can be to be accused of things by a loved one who has dementia. During that period my mantra became "It is not my loved one who is saying these things. It is the disease." Repeat that to yourself as often as necessary! Don't falsely admit anything, but also don't argue with your sister over these accusations. Be sympathetic and comforting. "Oh Lucy, you can't find your embroidered tea towels? I remember how nice they were. No wonder you want to find them. I haven't seen them for a long time. I'll look in the storage boxes for them tomorrow. If we can't find them, do you want to go buy some new tea towels?"
For some people with dementia the phase of accusations does not last long. Hang in there!
Coy had been an engineer and he had a good mind for this kind of thing. His form of dementia does not involve as much death of brain cells as some other kinds. Cognitive abilities fluctuate greatly in LBD. So our situation would not match all dementia situations, but in general I think allowing/encouraging/assisting persons with dementia in activities that challenge the skills they have left can be very rewarding. Obviously this shouldn't be done to the point of frustration.
You can't argue "Yes I told you about such and so". He does accept that his memory isn't as good as it used to be. I just tell him that at his age it's no big deal to forget something once in a while.
I might also discuss your sister's agitation with her doctor. If she's overly anxious and/or obsessed, medication might help her mood. I know that my cousin, who has dementia, used to be easily distressed and obsessed with certain things. It caused her to get anxious and agitated. Medication really helped her and she is now normally content. Also, it may that the things she is doing right now may pass as she progresses in the dementia. There is no way to predict that though.
I don't know of any way to convince someone with dementia that they are wrong, that you did tell them something before or that they are just not remembering things correctly. Even if you write it down and they can later look at it, it may not translate for them as proof. It's not just memory that is fleeting, it's also reasoning and focus.
What worked for me was to agree with my cousin with a short explanation. So, if she said, why are we doing this? I would say, it's what the doctor said and we have to follow doctor's orders. That's what you've always told me you wanted. And then change the subject. Even if I had told her 10 times, I wouldn't bring that up, since it didn't matter. She wouldn't recall it in 5 minutes anyway.
As far as patience goes, I was not able to care for my cousin in her home due to my own commitments, but I was able to have her placed in AL (now Memory Care AL). There is still much involved in being a caretaker, but having her cared for in that way did help relieve some of the stress. I would encourage you to explore the options now, while she is still functioning. Can you get some inhome care for her? The challenges and need for patience are much greater once they become incontinent, are wheelchair bound and require assistance with every single daily activity and to which they may be resistant.
Use graphics and pictures as much as you can; they're more alluring and could be more tempting for your husband to check the calendar regularly.
You can also color code events - a certain color for going out to meet your friends, a different color for activities the two of you plan, and different colors for your husband's workouts. You might even pick up a men's weight lifting magazine and cut out photos from there, gluing them onto the calendar.
You might blue on a "pocket", similar to the calendars with fold over portions at the bottom. Put in slips of things he likes to do, places you can go, whether it's for a walk or out to eat. Cut out from magazines photos of parks, meals, etc.
He can pick out what he wants and tack it to the calendar. It will give him a sense of some control over his own schedule.
It's sad because our visits are becoming increasingly difficult as her dementia escalates...I have a lot of patience, normally, but sometimes it wears thin when she accuses me of things that she imagines...what should I do?
All advise is appreciated.....thank you.
And his memory will get worse. My Hubby can't remember when he ate. He also gets the late afternoon confused with the morning. And he can't help it. It's the disease.
Continue to ask questions here at agingcare.com. Even if the question sounds stupid. We're here!
Do you have Long Term Care Insurance? If so, start the ball rolling.
Lainer, you have my prayers. The coming journey for you two will be difficult; but, honesty and patience will reign 99% of the time.
Has a physician documented he has dementia?
I suspect the real issue isn't whether you told him or not. It is that you are going out and going to have fun and he is not. For him to put it that way would sound selfish, apparently even to him. So he finds another way to express his displeasure. Maybe you need to address both the "tell me" and "why can't I have fun" issues.
I wouldn't tell him very far in advance. He won't remember. Perhaps as you are getting ready is soon enough. "I'll be going to lunch with Alice and Greta. We are going to look at a puppy Alice is considering getting on the way home. I'll be back by 3:00 at the latest. I'll call you after lunch to make sure all is well here. And I'll write it on the white board." ... I really like spending time with my girlfriends. I'm so glad you understand! And I love spending time with you! Should we have lunch date tomorrow? Maybe see a movie afterward?"
He may need some things to do that don't involve you. My husband was able to bowl with a senior league well into his dementia. A neighbor picked him up and brought him home. It was his event and he didn't depend on me for it. He loved it! And the other seniors understood his impairments and were very helpful to him. He also golfed with a league for handicapped people sponsored by a local rehab center. You need fun things to do without him. He needs independent fun, too.
My husband went to an adult day health program a few days a week. This provided respite for me and social interaction for him. He wasn't too crazy about the whole idea but I could see it was really good for him.
You are at the beginning of this journey. (Ours lasted 10 years.) Before too long your dear husband will not be able to stay alone while you go out. Enjoy it while it lasts, even if there are some uncomfortable moments! Then plan to arrange for someone to stay with him, or for him to be in some safe and supervised environment while you do your things for fun and need. Don't stop going to the dentist or doctor or out to lunch ... but you will have to plan for hubby's needs as well.
If you haven't already, I urge you to find a local support group for persons whose loved ones have dementia. And come here often, too.
Lainer, this is not a journey any of wants to take. But it can be a very fulfilling and meaningful experience. I wish you both good things.