My husband was diagnosed with beginning stages of dementia in Dec. 2015. He is currently on Namenda XR. What I am currently seeing is some repeating of questions and the fact that when I go out, how soon will you be back. He often admits he does not like to be alone. One of the biggest issues is when I tell him that I am going out with a friend for lunch or dinner, he says sure you can go. Then when I am getting ready, he will ask where I'm going and yells that I never told him, when in fact I did. I even write things on the calendar. I am trying to figure out how do I deal with the fact that I told him, but he doesn't remember. He makes me feel like I'm telling a lie, which I am not. All help and suggestions appreciated, thank you.
I suspect the real issue isn't whether you told him or not. It is that you are going out and going to have fun and he is not. For him to put it that way would sound selfish, apparently even to him. So he finds another way to express his displeasure. Maybe you need to address both the "tell me" and "why can't I have fun" issues.
I wouldn't tell him very far in advance. He won't remember. Perhaps as you are getting ready is soon enough. "I'll be going to lunch with Alice and Greta. We are going to look at a puppy Alice is considering getting on the way home. I'll be back by 3:00 at the latest. I'll call you after lunch to make sure all is well here. And I'll write it on the white board." ... I really like spending time with my girlfriends. I'm so glad you understand! And I love spending time with you! Should we have lunch date tomorrow? Maybe see a movie afterward?"
He may need some things to do that don't involve you. My husband was able to bowl with a senior league well into his dementia. A neighbor picked him up and brought him home. It was his event and he didn't depend on me for it. He loved it! And the other seniors understood his impairments and were very helpful to him. He also golfed with a league for handicapped people sponsored by a local rehab center. You need fun things to do without him. He needs independent fun, too.
My husband went to an adult day health program a few days a week. This provided respite for me and social interaction for him. He wasn't too crazy about the whole idea but I could see it was really good for him.
You are at the beginning of this journey. (Ours lasted 10 years.) Before too long your dear husband will not be able to stay alone while you go out. Enjoy it while it lasts, even if there are some uncomfortable moments! Then plan to arrange for someone to stay with him, or for him to be in some safe and supervised environment while you do your things for fun and need. Don't stop going to the dentist or doctor or out to lunch ... but you will have to plan for hubby's needs as well.
If you haven't already, I urge you to find a local support group for persons whose loved ones have dementia. And come here often, too.
Lainer, this is not a journey any of wants to take. But it can be a very fulfilling and meaningful experience. I wish you both good things.
All advise is appreciated.....thank you.
It's sad because our visits are becoming increasingly difficult as her dementia escalates...I have a lot of patience, normally, but sometimes it wears thin when she accuses me of things that she imagines...what should I do?
You can't argue "Yes I told you about such and so". He does accept that his memory isn't as good as it used to be. I just tell him that at his age it's no big deal to forget something once in a while.
And his memory will get worse. My Hubby can't remember when he ate. He also gets the late afternoon confused with the morning. And he can't help it. It's the disease.
Continue to ask questions here at agingcare.com. Even if the question sounds stupid. We're here!
Do you have Long Term Care Insurance? If so, start the ball rolling.
Lainer, you have my prayers. The coming journey for you two will be difficult; but, honesty and patience will reign 99% of the time.
Has a physician documented he has dementia?
Use graphics and pictures as much as you can; they're more alluring and could be more tempting for your husband to check the calendar regularly.
You can also color code events - a certain color for going out to meet your friends, a different color for activities the two of you plan, and different colors for your husband's workouts. You might even pick up a men's weight lifting magazine and cut out photos from there, gluing them onto the calendar.
You might blue on a "pocket", similar to the calendars with fold over portions at the bottom. Put in slips of things he likes to do, places you can go, whether it's for a walk or out to eat. Cut out from magazines photos of parks, meals, etc.
He can pick out what he wants and tack it to the calendar. It will give him a sense of some control over his own schedule.
Perhaps, since he doesnt believe you-as would my mother, she would think I "just" wrote it on the calendar- You could have him write it on the calendar himself (get a HUGE desk calendar) I never argued with her, I always just pointed at it.... But large sharpie on a single piece of paper succinct and to the point note so he can re-read it as needed-- taped to table- I tried the wall and she didnt see it :P
Anger is fear being expressed...
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