My mother is 78 and asked to move in with my husband and me 7 months ago. My husband used to have a good relationship with her but now has become bitter and resentful. He hibernates in the bedroom all day when he's off and immediately goes there when he gets off work. He knit picks about everything she says and does, " her tv is too loud, she put the wrong trash in the recyclable, she whistles too much, she talks too loud etc.. He doesn't dpesk to her (or me for that matter) except to say hi when he comes in from work. We have discussed and discussed tell our heads spin as to the reason why she is living here. She had to retire due to health problems and then she had to declare bankruptcy. She lived alone in a big house in a bad neighborhood and said she didn't want to be alone anymore. Could she have gone to assisted living facility? Maybe but doubtful she doesn't have much money. I'm just at my mental/emotional end here because I expected more support from my husband. He used to come home and have conversations with me and we'd laugh and talk all the time. Watch our favorite shows and snuggle. Now it's barely 10 words between us. My mother has to realize there's something wrong but she's never said anything. She also has some memory and hearing issues and her "senses" have declined quite a bit. It's like we're at an impasse. I'm so angry at him I refuse to visit him in his bedroom and he refuses to pay any attention to me. It has caused me to become resentful of my mother. I love her dearly and would never ask her to leave I find myself getting short with her and inpatient. I'm at a loss in every way. Can anyone relate?
I would choose my husband over my mom. Mom needs to move. I would help her apply for medicaid and go from there. She might be happier with people her age.
At what point did he change his mind about her living with you? Did you discuss that?
You say you've discussed the reasons she is living there. What else have you discussed? His feelings about it? The value of your marriage? If there are any changes that could be made that would make the living arrangements more acceptable to him?
Why can't your mother live independently? Is it just the money that is the issue, or does she need caregiving? What are her impairments?
"I love her dearly and would never ask her to leave." Really? Never? Not even if you got family counseling and it was clear that is the only way to save your marriage? If you have already absolutely made up your mind and nothing will change it, then I can't see why your husband would want to discuss the issue. It wouldn't be a discussion -- it would be you telling him you've already decided you value having your mother with you more than you value your marriage. I hope you really are a little more open-minded than that. If not, accept that your marriage is over and live happily ever after with your mother for the next twenty years. I think you should make it official, though, if that is your choice. Divide up your possessions, decide what to do with the house so you can split the equity, and let your husband go his separate way, in a place he won't need to barricade himself in his bedroom, where you refuse to visit him.
I approve of people taking care of their parents in their homes IF BOTH SPOUSES ARE OK WITH THAT.
Or is he telling you what the problem is and you are not hearing him, you are just telling him to buck up because there are no other options form your point of view?
And wait a minute - you are angry too, and withholding sex? ("not visiting him in his bedroom") What were yoru sleeping arrangements before and after Mom moved in? My gut feeling is you need marriage counseling now or your marriage is toast. Just moving mom out might not heal this rift.
To bad he is not here to tell his side of the story because we are only hearing your side. I think ya'll need to go talk with an objective third party person to work this out.
That he doesn't want to share his home with his mother-in-law does not at all mean that he would walk out if his wife were incapacitated. Maybe he would and maybe he wouldn't. The two situations are ENTIRELY different. So is caring for an incapacitated child.
Finding suitable living arrangements for a parent is NOT "kicking them to the curb." I resent that sweeping judgment.
I am very glad that cbear73 and her husband are now at least talking seriously about this situation.
It sounded to me as though your husband, having been initially happy to go along with the idea, rapidly found that he'd bitten off more than he could chew: it's a shame he couldn't say so, instead of sulking in his room; but then again admitting that someone we like is too much to cope with day in, day out is not an easy thing to do - especially when we're talking to that person's daughter. What's a nice way to say "I love your mother dearly but I can't stand her in the house a second longer?"
But never mind, the important thing is that you're talking. I really hope you find a way forward that's good for all three of you. Please let us know how it's going.