I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do. My MIL is getting worse. For the last 10 years, my husband and I were basically left to take care of his mother because his sister refused to (it's all about money). Now that she has dementia, my husbands bitterness is at it's all time high. He has admitted that he is NOT CAPABLE of taking care of her. Nobody will help him. Neither of his siblings think there's any dire need for in-home care, or to get their mother in a long-term care facility. My husband (and I) cannot do it.
But the YELLING....ohhhh the yelling he does at her. It gets me so angry. I resent the woman, she's not my favorite person in the world (before she had dementia she was mean and miserable, and she's even more mean and miserable now), but I would NEVER EVER want to see her feeling or being neglected. My husband yells at her "leave me alone" - "go away". She has become EXTREMELY CLINGY. Even worse now than years ago. It's to the point we can't even leave the house.
I am not exaggerating. It's gotten THAT bad. When I talk to him about it he doesn't want to talk about it.
Yet, I told him that he's no different than his sister because he treats his mother like garbage when he yells at her.
He's got to get a grip. I just don't know how to help him. He won't stop. When I'm at work, Lord knows what he says to her or how much he yells at her. My anxiety is at an all time high and I can barely breathe.
I don't know what to do or say. Nobody will help us. His siblings say they have an action plan, but nobody has lifted a finger.
What happened when you contacted CCAC (now your local LHIN)? If you are stymied by lack of POA then work at that angle, but the only time I have been asked to show my paperwork was when mom was being admitted for care.
Since we do not have an equivalent to APS in Ontario you may want to explore this route:
Office of the Public Guardian and Trustee (www.attorneygeneral.jus.gov.on.ca/english/service_standards/service_standards_opgt.php)
Anyone may contact the Investigations Unit of the OPGT to report that they believe that a mentally incapable adult is at serious risk of harm. The telephone number is 416-327-6348 or toll-free at 1-800-366-0335.
Once a report is received, the Investigations Unit will respond by trying to contact the person who made the report to gather more information. This first step will help to determine whether the OPGT will initiate an investigation for the purpose of deciding whether the Office should apply to court for an order of guardianship
I know he doesn't intend it this way. I know you must both be at your wits' end over this. But what your husband is doing is uncomfortably close to being not just borderline abusive, but actually abusive.
I yelled at my mother too. She drove me bananas, and as she put it I have my father's temper. But that was before her dementia became apparent, and dementia changes everything.
You have done the right thing, which is to take the first step. What you need now is advice from somebody who's on the spot and in a position to help you. Your GP, a social worker, a local day care centre. Just anybody professional with the right network and the right skills to intervene constructively.
Impress on your husband that NOBODY who has been there is going to blame him, or fail to understand why he doesn't want to talk and why this is all so hard to face. You could do worse than refer him here, you know - there are several male caregivers on the forum, he won't be the only bloke.
Scroll down to the bottom of this page to the blue section... click on ALZHEIMER'S CARE... now see all the articles, read as much as you can, and let hubby read them, too. Maybe then he will realize what he is doing is only confusing his mother even more.
Another good article, https://www.agingcare.com/articles/not-everyone-cut-out-to-be-a-caregiver-162192.htm which was a life saver for me because I thought something was wrong with me.
If none of this works, does Mother-in-law have enough in savings to move into Assisted living/Memory Care? The cost is around $6k per month, depending on where you live, it could be less expensive. That way your hubby can once again be the "son" and not a "caregiver", and it would make life much calmer for you all.
I wasn't involved in the last time LHIN was involved. A case worker determined that she's eligible for home care. Nothing was ever done. No paperwork was ever filed.
I'll be the first to admit - she was never one of my favorite people, but I wouldn't even yell at a rabid dog the way he yelled at her yesterday.
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