She has dementia/Alzhiemer's. I just lost my mother and daddy 2 years ago. (7 wks. apart) I am still having a hard time dealing with this loss and feel lots of guilt because of the circumstances that I was in (not being able to be there for my mom). I have had some health issues but am now greatly improving. I love my husband but just am having a hard time with this one. He has a sister that is struggling with taking care of her mom by herself. We live 8 hours from them but try to visit every 1 to 2 months which is difficult on us. I just want to do the right thing as a wife and Christian, but this is emotionally difficult.
He and his sister need to talk about putting Mom in a facility where she can get the care she needs. He should have a serious talk with Sis about the reality of what 24/7 care is all about. This is going to keep getting worse. Mom is not going to get better.
SIs is becoming burnt out...do not let your husband now do it to you. If he is volunteering....then you make sure he is volunteering HIMSELF not you
I agree with Katiekate that your husband needs to have a heart-to-heart conversation with his sister and learn what her struggles are. If it can possibly be arranged, he should stay with Mom for several days in his sister's home while Sis takes a short break. People who haven't seen it up close and personal really can't comprehend what taking care of someone with dementia is like.
You may be a Christian and love your husband but you have recently experienced some health problems how did he treat you while you were ill? That will give you a very good idea of how much responsibility he will take for his mother after the first week she moves in. If you have children did he ever get up at 3am to feed the baby? I could go on but it's pointless you are intelligent enough to work it out for yourself. Don't do it and don't make Sis continue.
Do you want to do this? Do you know what is involved in taking care of an elder with these issues?
As often happens, it's the wife who ends up doing most of the care for the MIL. Again, do you want to do this?
What are the financial considerations? Is this a case of "no facility ever for Mama"? Does MIL have the resources to pay for a facility?
As a wife, I think you should do what is best for your marriage.
I don't know exactly what you consider your Christian duties to be, but I would think it also involves balancing everybody's needs. (Unless you think martyrdom is a good goal.)
We supported my mom in her apartment as long as she could get by with some outside help. Then she moved in with my sister and bil. That lasted 14 months. The dementia continued to worsen (as it always does) and she also had mobility issues, and we moved her into a nursing home that was reasonably close to 2 of my sisters. That year in sister's home was a wonderful transition for mother, between her apartment and a facility. The rest of us are very grateful that she could live with a daughter. But when her needs exceeded that, we didn't even consider "well now she should go live with someone else." That would have been crazy. Our mom needed around-the-clock supervision. We saw it as our duty to see that she got that. After an initial adjustment period, she was very content in the nursing home.
A typical progression for someone with dementia is 1) living with in-home care. 2) assisted living and 3) a higher level of care such as a nursing home.
For us, Mom living with my sis and bil served the function of assisted living.
I suspect that living with you sil was your mil's equivalent of assisted living. Now it is time for a higher level of care, not just a new setting for assisted living.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/living-with-elderly-parents-do-you-regret-the-decision-133798.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/caregiver-burnout
https://www.agingcare.com/alzheimers-dementia